iisoprene

iisoprene t1_isq13rv wrote

Yup. I decided at the age of 10 that I wanted to be a chemist. Pursued that goal with pretty much all available energy and got my PhD at age 28, and then burnt out (wound up in the ER) at age 30. I'm now 33 and I haven't worked since.

Signs were there since about age 20 that being a chemist wasn't what I wanted- I wanted to know chemistry, which is completely different from being a chemist. I never gave myself room to slow down or honestly reflect of what I was aiming for, and if it aligned with what I cared about most in life. Persuing it anyway (I had to- too many loans) slowly started to break be and I began having serious mental issues starting around age 25.

The last 3 years I have been living with my grandparents and doing nothing... which is what I have so badly needed for so long. I've really gotten in touch with myself and what I want out of life, and have grown SO much as a person since. I would not have been able to do so if I still had a job and a lot of responsibilities.

The sad part is through this time... I have realized that what I want out of life I can't access (no money, nor a functional world for me to do stuff in), and even then I am kinda "done" and don't really want to do anything anymore. So it's bitter sweet in the sense that I really did figure so much stuff out, but am also just kind of passively waiting for my demise.

At least I did get to do a core set of things I wanted to get out of life, and that is not nothing.

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