I better get a f* move on though, I've had cancer twice since 2020, it feels like it's got me in its crosshairs. In March 2020 I had 50cm of my ass removed (bowel cancer, no colon left at all, which as a software developer makes me laugh at the irony of not having a colon) and then it came back and last Sep (2022) I had 70% of my liver cut out as there was a 5cm, tumour in it, lucky for me it was in the lobe and they took the fecking lot out. Lucky to not be shitting in a bag, I told the surgeon not to bother waking me up if that's what they were gong to do, I meant it as well.

My biggest problem is I am always harsh on myself. All my life I have always set myself hhuge goals because then I know I can fail and tell myself it wasn't doable anyway. I am mentally mental I think. I often wonder if I'd pass 'a normal' test.

Thanks u/RedditUser000aaa, strangers can sometimes give each other some hope when our closest ones try but annoy us!

Fucking A dude. I need that myself. I've let myself go too far the wrong side of comfortable. Keep it up. I will think of you tomorrow as I try to begin my redemption again.

Same here. The other term for this awareness is called 'The Human Condition', which I see as the following conditions

(a) Knowing you are going to die(b) Knowing that life is random and meaningless

Therefore, as you rightly say, the only real meaning in life is the one you personally ascribe to it. I am 57, I know too much, acheived too little, and fully recognise that when I die, I will be like an ice cube melting back into the ocean of nothing-ness, for are we not just temporary cubes of sentiences for a short brief period?

I hope you can find something personally satisfying to make you want to get out of bed every day, maybe consider altruism as a direction, assuming you don't already do things for the sheer kindness and pleasure already.

Study quantum physics to truly appreciate how smart we have become but how trivial we are in the grand scheme of things! :D