oh, what I'd give to God to go back to junior high

The aberration on this old photo just gives it a very unique charm. C'est magnifique, monsieur. C'etait meilleures annees.

Believe me, it's pretty good. t I would suggest you read the novelization of the poem first and then read Gardner's novel, if you haven't read it already, that is. that's what I did all those years ago. But the newer satire really makes a hilarious and thoughtful twist on the source material, and you'd not even get half the story if you didn't know the story of Beowulf first. So whenever you decide to get to it, take them both with some pleasure, it's not disappointing.

I wrote an alternative to Chapter Five of the 1971 political satire novel "Grendel", by John Gardner. This book takes the source material of the earliest and most well-known ancient Epic poem Beowulf, and puts an era-relative (the 1960s) philosophical narrative and political satire theme over the narration of the originally unspoken antagonist, Grendel, the monster.

I recently rediscovered it from back when I read it in junior high English. I just had to include it when I heard talk of a dragon, who is likely the most philosophically influential character in the book.

The dragon is only a small part of this book; it only appears in one chapter. If you want to give up I'll let you know, though. I honestly don't see many getting this right

No... I Specifically avoided using the name of the narrator since it is the namesake of the novel itself; that's all I'll give you

(bonus points to anyone who can guess the source material correctly...)

​

"Be Still!" he bellowed again. But this time I was not going to let this six-ton geezer of a fire-breathing lizard tell me what to do anymore. He says I should seek gold and sit on it but not take his. Well, why not? I could kill him like I killed the men, he's only bigger. He's slow and unbecoming. I'm not afraid of this lazy blundering serpent anymore; I know he's bluffing this time. I pick up the same little emerald as before and whip it at his glassy eyeballs.

"your gold will be my gold, flaming snake!" I say, snatching up another glimmering object to pelt this beast with. The caverns shake as he rises and blows flame from every orifice of his ugly skull. he doesn't scare me anymore. The lazy bastard won't even try.

"perhaps, tiny angry beast, I did not make myself clear. You didn't find my discipline easy to follow, perhaps you feel like what man does when he sees you, but now you must know the same pain if you are to listen! I know all, and you know nothing! Feel the wrath of omniscience!" He rises to his full height saying this.

Maybe, just maybe, this old angry ball of fur did not contemplate just how large an immortal serpent really is. But I suppose I can't run away now. He rears back, his internal furnace explodes with flames that eject from his wrinkled old snout, and I dive behind a pile of coins to avoid his fire. It still singes the hair of my back off, it nearly burns me entirely, and I can barely move as it engulfs the fur on my back. I recovered, but what I didn't expect from this geriatric monster was him to try and crush me with his elder paw, but I surprised myself with how much I could lift of him, but he quickly bats me away with his wing, I tumble into the cave walls. Pain shoots through my entire back as I let out a furious bellow.

"Go back to your bed of gold, beast! I want nothing more of your lazy and contradicting advice, if you say I shall take gold, then you should protect yours better!" I shout at him. I know I will lose. Fighting a dragon is surprisingly harder than ripping Danes in half. I grab gold pieces and pelter him with as many as I can before trying to escape the cave. I think I finally realized I was wrong in my entire life, that repulsive ancient serpent was but a frail elder when I walked in, still terrifying me for the first half, and undoubtedly teaching me quite the lesson, but I suppose my nature took over and I mistakenly tried to kill a 75 foot tall fire-breathing cynic. Now I am running for my life for the first time in it. Oops. I thought i could make it, surely I am faster than he, but I did not calculate his ability to grab me, however. I was locked in his scaly, crusty claws before could run out.

"Take this as your only warning, and your sign never to return", he yelled, "You asked for my help and then you just assault your teacher? tiny monster, you have much to learn. perhaps the dirt will teach you manners."

He throws me at incredible speed out the mouth of the cave, and all I recall after that is waking up back near the cliffside. That damned ram is still standing there. I'm going to push it over for hell's sake, finally. I'll show that dragon one day.

"Go go go! Cut that one open!" screamed Mr. M, returning fire at the SWAT to keep them at bay.
Clang! Mr. T. pries open the first wall locker, and out spill several vials of a frozen, white substance. They shatter on the ground.

"Aw, shit, the fuck is that?" yells Mr. F, running over to Mr. T. Mr. F. Slips and falls on the now re-liquidated substance, cracking his skull on the concrete floor.

"God... DAMNIT you shitbag!" Mr. M explodes over his shoulder, nearly catching rounds to his head, "Don't tell me you kook-headed fucks plotted a heist of a goddamn SPERM BANK!"

The SWAT teams rush in as the fire from the three bank robbers ceases. They are all taken into custody, and the event where three legendary bank robbers from Los Angeles robbed a sperm bank goes down in history as the one time they ever were caught.