And now the kids will learn it from her.

Oof. That right there is a big red flag. I stand by my previous statement - you deserve better.

If you’re willing to talk about it with people on the internet you should probably be willing to talk about it with the other person involved.

Yes. Whether she’s doing it deliberately or whether it’s some subconscious mechanism - it is manipulative. Another word I would use here is “abusive”.

You need to have a frank discussion with her about this behavior. It is clearly not healthy for you. If you can’t resolve this issue between the two of you in a manner that leads to her not abusing you it would be a good idea to seek professional assistance with a therapist - jointly and individually.

You deserve better.

Rationally, you both know you shouldn’t sleep together. Emotionally/physically you both aren’t quite as sure about it.

Maybe it’s time to set some healthy boundaries - for instance “if either one of us has been drinking we probably shouldn’t sleep in the same bed”.