just looked up the symtoms of this and they all seem pretty spot on... ill look into it some more for sure

i'm in midwestern america, live in a suburb of likely its shittiest town. i had no idea that depression actually caused problems with your brain, thought it just messed with your conscious approach to the day and thought process, however you're right as every bone and organ in our bodies can be damaged. alcohol is something i originally tried for this issue and it was a trememdous failure. sure in the present moment i felt calmed and worry free, but i quickly became dependent on it, where after only drinking 3 days straight i tried to stop for a week and couldnt even carry out simple tasks lucidly, as the desire to drink was causing my hands to shake and mind to spin. seems like you're right about the "giving up on things too easily", reflecting, it does look like an actual pattern. only problem is, even as you may be correct, im still terribly scared of antidepressents. its like im giving in to the helplessness and deciding that im too much of a lost cause for a personal fix so i need to use (side effect prone, creativity altering, energy reducing) pills that, god for bid i do not want to become dependent on, and one day try to go off them and experience withdrawal.

//This is a rat's tail with no end unless you find help.

i dont know where to start. i tried to pick up religion (i was baptized but we never practiced) and it didn't really change anything just couldnt commit to or believe in it. i did therapy once, didnt work. i tried to work out, as thats what people are always saying, and i became quickly bored of it and disinterested (also turned off by the overall gym environment, seemed like a mosh pit of narcacissts obsessed with their appearances and edgy buff guys on steroids and pre workouts.) i tried guided meditation youtube videos and found no peace from it, i tried to keep a notebook to write feelings of anxiety in to calm nerves and it hasnt been a net positive, and of course i tried relationships hoping there was some girl out there willing to accept me for the depressed degenerate i am and try to work with me to improve my personality and life; and i did find several of them but none worked out! last thing i want to do is go on antidepressants and endure the sideffects of those, become dependent on them for day to day life and become sterilized by them and lose creativity and free thoughts in day to day life, so i am comig before you humbled and humiliated to say to you, please tell me how i can help myself.

yes perhaps ive been screwed over in several different areas of life by lots of different people and institutions. but im not entirely sure what the acknowledgement of this really accomplishes. free will free judgement free thinking and logical decision making seems to work flawlessly for everyone else around me and i know im not a very good person, often being rude, mean, selfish, and self destructive, but i have to be capable of choosing the right actions without getting sterilized with antidepressents right???

i know this is likely unrelated but i grew up with (and still have) a super rare esophagus disease called eosiniphilic esophagidas, which affects my digestion of foods and causes me to be unable to eat any gluten, dairy, wheat, eggs, nuts, soy, pork, fish, and some fruits and vegetables, with an anaphylaxis to egg. when i eat the foods im allergic too i cant digest them and it slowly burns a hole in my esophagus and raises my red blood cell counts. the vast majority of people who have this disease are on feeding tubes. i am not. because when i was 7 i went off all food for an entire year and had only formula drinks, then would go to a hospital once every 3 months, been given knockout gas (everytime had fear of never waking up lots of anxiety attacks), get an upper endoscopy, and then they would test around 3-5 foods on me to see if they would make me tick, and if i didnt react to them i would get to add them to my diet. this lasted until i was 15.

i have had a couple of near death experiences with anaphylactic attacks, even one where my throat was completely closed shut. childhood was pretty alienating with being so different to everyone around me but i guess we made it work.

my parents, they also raised me with the ideals of a core belief that “mood is a choice”. which may be true but no matter how much they insulted me, if I even showed the slightest reaction of anger I would be mocked for it “ohhh did those words hurt you” “are you gonna cry little baby” and my personal favorite “quit being such a pantsy ass bitch and shut up”. in a perfect world of theres people never cry and only the weak are sensitive.

That made it hard for me when i first started experiencing real depression around 7th grade. just one day i guess i just lost all ability to enjoy life. nothing in my life brought me any sort of pleasure joy or satisfaction, I felt like I was just purely existing as the world turned. then go home and get berated for throwing a pity party feeling sorry for myself and being a weak lazy unmotivated loser. Well enough time went on and after my father trying to beat me into submission and consistent beration from my mother... i guess thats where i lost nearly all respect for them and the relationship truly crumbled in my eyes.

but fuck what do i know, im just out here throwing a pity party feeling sorry for myself right? if only i could just "quit being a pantsy ass bitch get my shit together and quit being the victim" i could function normally

its actuallt literal although im unsure what its called or if its even a common thing for people. and yeah manic episodes have lead to some of the worst mistakes of my life, getting kicked out of high school getting criminally charged and put on probation, unfiltered rudeness leading to offending people loss of long time friendships, having embellished stories about myself to somehow seek sympathy from others while really only making myself look worse, and coming across crazily and making people around me uncomfortable on several occasions. its just too hard to stay consistently good. but i have to believe that, as long as i have my own volition, i have 100% control of my actions so, if i choose the right courses of action i can get out of this hole im in, right? but ive been trying and failing for far too long

i went to a therapist once back when i was a junior in high school, she was "supposedly" one of the best but after 4 sessions she cut me off, refunded my parents and said she felt guilty taking they're money as it wasn't working at all and a complete waste of time. i was emotionally dulled, in that state of depression where life felt synthetic, nothing brought me any sort of happiness or pleasure, had no energy at all and i felt like i was merely existing in a world where everyone else was doing (if that makes sense). now its worse because its 100% all bottled up, that terrible frontal headache you get where you're about to cry i have that every minute of every day but nobody can tell.

Edit: i also have been prescribed antidepressants several times but i fear becoming dependent on pills to live life. theres got to be a way through right?