Don't worry my guy, I already sent her ten thousand dick pics and eggplant emojis. I GOT this😎

Yeah I shapeshift into a charming pool boy slash fitness trainer and prowl around restaurants serving brunch

I won't be in CT for those, my man. The Connecticut Cougar Christmas Chronicles are finished for the year. Thank you for your support <3

I would love to be passed around between charming cougars. If they feed me steak and potatoes in between hand holding sessions - even better

Lmao I'm headed out rn I wonder if she's "definitely not trying to meet me" out there

Shame on those who do not observe Cougar Christmas

I was inconsolable, but your mom cheered me up <3

Come on out, fellow chad, I'm thinking you and me 50/50 split of Milfford

We'd fuck with all the lights on if you know what I mean😉

There'd be a certain spark to our relationship

It's the season of miracles. The Almighty is wingmanning for me already😎

Yeah I only bang twenty a night... I'm the runt of my 6ft 3000 IQ litter

I'd love to be a Tesla-driving cougar's "just a friend". We'd have that electric chemistry

Hey babeee... my place has got power... What kinda dysfunctional-country-ass pickup line is this lol

I'd prefer the house to be dark anyway if you know what I mean ;););));););;);)););));););;);))

AAAAAAHHHH uuuh AAAAAH I hate that guuuuyyyyyy. - that guy, summarized

I'm still alive. Dropped the ball like a mf once, did the perreo with one of my bosses once. Somehow I'm not dead. Thank you all for your support, but now I need bacon and eggs

Woke up at 12.30pm just now, fuckin A