I went on Twitter for the first time in a month and was surprised how shitty it has become. No reason to return.

I believe that's what they call Fantasy Football.

Invented by bosses to keep your hands on the keyboard and typing at all times. I like it, but haha too.

He means the ones in the zoo there.

Hey! That was my joke!

"I never said that". -Albert Einstein

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

dr dre

I heard it as a clown and a little boy.

I once had a job where I got paid based on people inquiring online and then showing up in person. I was asked if I got paid on internet shows...

Yes, but only on the weekends.

Yes, but mostly they just pay me to put my clothes back on.

Yes, but it's area restricted so you'll never find me.

This is awful. Fucking take my upvote and leave before I punch you. /s

Savage! I like it!!!

No no no. It's definitely got to be one or the other. /s

Man, nicely done! I can't tell if this is stupid or funny and that's amusing to me!

Well, if you must know, I'd say it's was lying religious nutters and the many religions that justify it.

Well, since this is a joke sub -

Exactly how often have you put your ear up to a butthole?

I never heard of this Pele guy, but if you ever saw the clips of that Gayle Sayers guy taking a handoff...

You're right. Sometimes I forget which sub I'm in. Especially when I'm bouncing from one to the next.

That's not the reason.

Religious women cheat all the time. Just like the religious men do. Their religion gives them a free pass to do horrible shit because "God will forgive them". If you think about that, it's a horrible message. No, there is no god that will forgive your sins. If you are an asshole, everybody will know you're an asshole and you will someday die an asshole and be buried as an asshole and your god is make-believe, so you'll just be an asshole for eternity and that will be your only legacy on Earth. So consider your actions wisely.

There was once a criminal whose name was Atomic Green. His brother also got in trouble. His name was Nuclear.

Still not as funny as the time I met a lady named Sharon Micucci.

I'd like a credible source for this because, while I'm not at all religious, I will repeat this fact every chance I get. But I need to know it's true.

I had a threesome planned for last Friday. Two of them didn't show up, but I still had a good time.

>Male dominated? I'm pretty sure it's just Ben Gibbard and Jenny Lewis.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he used the capital letters for emphasis.

What the hell? Where did this dog with long paws come from?

You're not wrong, but I'd lean towards SWATted because SWAT is normally capitalized so you aren't just selling the punchline, you're kind of also using the right symbology/phraseology/capitalization/idfk so if anybody who cares is actually looking into your craft in that much detail they probably need to get laid.

Edit: I'm not lying there.

(Long paws)

Edit too: I'm over here, baby!