My natural mentality is to be a provider. It's part of the reason I don't drink often. I'm ready, at a moment's notice, to provide help to any of my friends and family. I'm sober enough to drive and capable to handling almost anything. My weakness has always been finances. In the pursuit of being ready to assist and having reliable equipment on hand and things that won't break when I really need them, I tend to buy very durable (read, costly) items, so they don't have functional problems when I need them to function. Additionally, I tend to have a backup, or some solution I can Jerry rig as a stand in for the tools and components I have. I can cobble together what I need to get any job done.

On top of that, I've been building my life skills up, deep diving into electrical, plumbing, construction, automotive, etc. So I have a full set of tools for working on vehicles, wiring, construction, etc.... There's overlap, which provides redundancy and efficiencies in redundancies. When I have money to spend I'm usually spending it on something to perform a function that will benefit me, my family and friends. I'm becoming what my dad was for me. I'm everyone's safety net, which is why I've never expressed my dread and fear about all this to anyone in those circles. This was my first time talking about it and really admitting it "out loud".

I'm ill equipped financially, but I'm almost fully outfitted for almost every other life challenge short of full scale civil war, or worse.

I'm certified in standard first aid, I do IT as my day job, I have a passable understanding of construction and general repair, as well as electrical and plumbing, I can do most light to medium work on automobiles, short of pulling an engine, or a complete rebuild/overhaul.

I've been renovating my own place, painting and doing flooring, which, up to 6 months ago, I had no idea how to do. It's going okay, but slow.

I'm not trying to boast at all, I'm still far and away an idiot in most things (non-IT) compared to anyone working in those fields. My point is that I have spent almost all my time, effort, and money, on being an extremely helpful person. Someone you can call regardless of the problem and I can usually fix it, or patch something together to get by until a professional can make a visit.

This effort has left me with no personal safety net financially. I'm at a loss if my financial situation takes a downturn. I won't have another choice but to ask for help. I'm never too proud to ask for help, but I almost never need it, and I don't like being in a position where I might, which is actually where I sit financially right now. I'm trying to work with the people I live with to help build a buffer of funds to lean on if something goes critically wrong. I'm at a turning point in my life where my skills are being more fully utilized than ever before. I've invested almost everything I have, financially, and removed any buffer that could have been a safety net for me. I'll build it back up, but I'm very very vulnerable right now, and it's not a good feeling. I'm worried all the time, and while you're absolutely right, I have friends who will step up if I ask them to (some already did without me asking), my mindset is to be the provider of security, not the recipient; and right now, that's not the case. It's uncomfortable.

Yep. This. I'm living this now.

All my life I've had a lifeline with my father. He's always given me a roof over my head, food on the table, and a warm bed to sleep in, no matter what. He was my safety net.

He died a year ago, it's been a sobering realization while living paycheck to paycheck, that if I take the wrong step... If I take a chance and lose, I'm destitute, with nobody to lean on.

Then friends, even family, look at me strangely when I don't even touch alcohol, and don't take dumb risks at all, and don't go out and spend money on partying or going out for drinks or whatever..... Literally anything could happen and put me in the poor house. I could lose everything and it scares the shit out of me at every turn.

I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to dig myself into debt, or worse and not have anyone who is able to give me a lifeline like my dad did. I don't want to rely on anyone the way I haphazardly relied on him for so long. I must stand on my own two feet, and right now, if shit hit the fan, I couldn't. I need things to go well right now until I find some measure of security. I can't lose it. Not now. I don't have the luxury of being able to up and quit my job, if I haven't already lined up another. One missed payment and I could be out on the street.

I'm scared.