Thank you as well.

> I wonder if it's beginning to remember now.

Yup. Definitely remembers now.

°°°°°°°

For anyone that is confused:

Idea was that unlike the other vampires that were undead, fed off blood, and slowly withered; this one found a way to feed directly on life spans and inturn gained a life span of its own (and because it has a life span that means it must be living, and not undead).

At some point it had become so efficient at feeding off the life span of humanity as a whole that the process became second nature to it, like breathing. Since it didn't have to focus on manually doing so for so long it just sorta kinda forgot it was a vampire since it's not really doing anything different from a normal person at this point.

The lady practically forced it to have to manually heal itself or die (which killed her in the process), in turn causing it to remember:

"Oh yeah, riiiight, I'm not just some random immortal guy, I'm an immortal monster that took everything from them and am still currently feeding off of them as we speak. Mmm, yeah and this family got pretty darn close to killing me some centuries ago, I should probably go deal with that family while they're still rusty from not fighting me in so long. But gotta be careful not to draw too much attention, humans have some pretty crazy tech now, don't want myself to go too public."

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Unphased it stood as the debri settled, eyes trained the stump that spouted its impure blood. I clutched my own which had been cauterized. Unlike the devil before me, I would not bleed out. If it truly did not remember itself, then this would have proven a golden opportunity to end our troubles once and for all. If only ...

I watched the wretched take a step backwards. It disgusted me it seemed to not comprehend that it's life was ending. We'd taken too long to find it once more and given it enough time to live in such peace among our kind that it had forgotten how to fear death.

Behind me were the bodies of my cousin and my great uncle. The beast had merely slain them with its bare hands, out of character of how grandfather had described it's method. I made no sudden movement as to not trigger any instinct of it. If I lived, that would be fortunate though I understood that if it did not die from this then I would not be the one to kill it, it'd already proven too formidable for even I.

And it seemed so that fate did not shine upon me. The predatory crimson red eyes that illuminated through the smoke and locked onto me seemed to be look directly through me. It's reactions had made be begin to doubt myself. That maybe, just maybe, we'd been attacking the wrong individual, but the eyes that stalked me now left no room for doubt.

This was most definitely the one. This creature that stood before me, wearing human flesh, that creature was undoubtedly our long eternal enemy. This was the living vampire, the first vampire, the one with a beating heart unlike the rest of its unholy kin and an enemy to humanity as a whole. The first demon to roam earth.

The only one to have gained life ages ago, overcoming its natural deathly state and circumventing its decay by feeding directly off of human life span. My family will forever seek to destroy it for we know its history.

Our family would instill into the young why we must not let it go unchallenged. Why we must eradicate its existence:

> If not for it, humanity would have 1000 year life spans, however it was the one who snuck the serpent into the garden. Upon the ejection of Adam and Eve from the protection of the garden, it was bold and had taken 70 years, causing them to die at 930 years of age. It grew stronger and more efficient as it siphoned their life and as more humans ... more food for it appeared. It was the one who convinced Cain to kill Abel. Being less capable of defending against the vampire without his brother, it managed to increase its strength and steal another 200 years from humanity, Cain died at 730. By the time of Abraham it had reduced us to 175 year and by Moses, 120. It was at it's peak strength during the middle ages, it's strength manifesting in physical nature, the plague, until my ancestors fought it to within an inch of its life and forced it into hiding. It was weakened to the point that it hand to relinquish 70 years of its efficiency to remain alive and heal its wounds without alerting my family to its whereabouts. While we're once again able to live past 100, we shan't allow it to continue to feed of of us.

I could feel my life fading as it began to walk towards me and focus its siphoning on me. A strand of my hair began to turn gray and in turn its bleeding stopped and its arm began to pulsate. I used my fading strength to leap towards the corpse of my uncle where my amulet had fallen during our fight prior. The beast had unintentionally ripped it from my neck in reaction to it burning its skin. It was the only thing that could stop what it was trying to do. It of course would recognize this to move in a blur to smack my body away before I'd even landed on the ground.

My sight blurred due to developing cataracts and my body grew frail. My thin arm slowly moved reach into my pouch but the abomination would crouch before me and gently overpower my strength, gripping my forearm before snapping it. I was too weak to release any sound of pain. It would stop taking my life for but a moment to meet my eyes that were now level with its own.

I would see such hate and abhorrence in its pupils. Hate that I'd shattered is brief era of joy, that we'd found it, that it knew exactly what my motive was. Despite my attempts to preserve my life, I did not fear death. My death would only serve to reignite my family's flame. My death would mean we'd gone too soft. They would train my young kin to be better warriors than I, those of equal caliber to the ones that had driven the creature into hiding many centuries ago. Warriors that would now have the technology easily cause mortal harm to it such as I did.

It now understood that its stolen time is running out. It is not us who must seek it, now it is it who must seek us. It would have to eliminate my family before we could breed its demise.

Kill or be killed.

My body would slump as it took its final breath. The last thing I would see is a dark mass spreading its large wings to take flight. Even if we failed, even if it took all our lives, it would not be able to cover up the deaths of a family as prominent as ours. There were many contingencies .... and many .... failsafes ... we had set in this new era. We are ... no one's ... prey.

^(Placed summary below, in my reply to a reply, if you don't feel like reading all that.)

°°°°°°°°°°

The dagger clattered onto the floor.

"Say, could you remind me about why you're all trying to kill me again? Sort of forgot."

Her struggling halted as I held her forearm in my grasp. Her already racing heartbeat increased in cadence. Had I said something offensive? Her gaze lowered to where I could no longer see her eyes due to the overhang of her light brown hair obscuring them.

"After the hundreds of years it took to discover your hiding spot, I have to say that you truly are as evil as Grandfather described you. Do our lives really mean that little you to you? Do you truly see us as nothing more than cattle, you wretched parasite?"

"... Look, I don't really know or care about whatever your prattling on about. I just asked a reasonably simple question. All I wish to do is live in peace and that is proving to be difficult with you people constantly showing up for the past few days to try to kill me. The least you can do is explain why."

"Live in peace? You've killed millions of us each day since time immemorial. My family has sworn their lives to eradicate you and your kind for generations and now you are saying that you forgot!? "

"..."

My head tilted in confusion. I had no idea what this lady was talking about. I haven't killed anyone in a long time, save for past few days. Though I'd say those were justified, after all I was only defending myself.

"Hey lady, your friends over there wouldn't be dead had they not tried to kill me. You all attacked me, not the other way around. If you would just explain yourself then maybe we could simply talk things through. No one deserves to die."

This caused her to once more to meet my gaze. Her eyes analyzed my face as if she was searching for something. The scowl she wore before slowly morphed to be more akin to disgust then, pity, then finally amusement. She burst into laughter.

"Oh I understand now. Y-you poor pathetic thing, [laughs] you're being sincere aren't you!? Your evil has become so second nature to you that you aren't even aware of it anymore, are you? Tell me, is it confabulation or is it delusion [laughs]!? H-have you been hiding amongst our kind for so long that you believe you're human now!? Or were you so unable to live with your sins and transgressions against humanity that you repressed your memory or fed yourself lies!?"

She wiped tears from her eyes, had she gone mental? Her heart was calm when her smile faded and her face grew calm.

"Though it matters not. You wish to know why we will never stop hunting you? Why you'll never live in peace? I will remind you you blood craving devil among devils with the satisfaction of shattering this illusion you have casted upon yourself! Do you remember what this does?" She asked, pulling a small device from her pocket and stabbed it into her forearm which I still held. I was clueless as to why she'd stab herself with a fancy looking dart and inflict self harm.

Blood craving? That bothered me more than it should. What was she talking about, I don't crave blood, plus that sounds utterly disgusting. I much more perfe- ... wait, ... what ... did I eat again? I honestly cannot remember what the last time I had a mea-

#💥

An explosion occured between us. I still remained in my original position while she had flown back. Through the settling debris stood the lady using her free hand to clutch the nub that was once her forearm. The explosion had instantly cauterized it. She glared at me as she breathed heavily.

drip

I looked down to my arm. It too was now a nub. Unlike the lady's, mines had been farther from the explosions focal point. It had not be cauterized and still bled. Squirted even.

drip

We stood still for a while as the dust still settle. It seemed so surreal looking at the empty space where my arm use to be spouting blood like a water gun. I began to feel woozy. This would kill me, wouldn't it?

drip

There had to be some way to prevent this ... I-I've had an injury like this before haven't I? How did I do it last time again? My body involuntarily took a step backwards to prevent myself from falling. I looked around for something, anything, until my ears focused on the one constant sound they'd always heard.

Ba-dump

My eyes focused the chest of the lady who still hadn't moved. They focused on what lie underneath the flesh. The fruit that beat and pulsated and filled her body with life ... oh that's right ... I remember now. It's been a long time hasn't it?

The relief I felt when all eyes of the expedition left me (a knight) and Clair (a cleric) was refreshing. It had trotted over to Dugot, who lounged on a log, and plopped its head directly in his lap. The Barbarian took a few moments to process what had just happened .... everyone did. Then we were all hit at once.

Dugot: "...! N-now I know what this looks like."

Arms were beginning to cross, chins were beginning to raise, hands were meeting hips.

Dugot: "...! What are you trying to imply!? That I was lying!? Because I wasn't!"

The unicorn rubbed its nose against his stomach before leaning its head to the side and promptly dozing off.

Dugot: "GET OFF ME YOU STUPID HORSE!"

The Unicorn's eyes snapped open with scary alertness and it stood to attention almost as if it were a soldier. Dugot looked to his audience that now either bore raised eyebrows or leaked smugness.

Dugot: "G-ah-ek! I am Dugot the Barbarian! I have 12 wives and 24 children!"

...

Dugot: "Sh-shut up! I'm done with all of you!"

Henry (a trickster): "But no one said anything. (Yet)"

Dugot: "ESPECIALLY you!"

Henry raised his hands in peace and backed away upon the battle axe being drawn mere inches from his face. A cut strand of his hair gently floated downward. Dugot angrily turned and walked towards his horse, however the poor thing must have sensed his agitation because it reared up and ran off once Dugot neared it. From his back, I saw Dugot lower his head as the Unicorn walked to where Dugot's horse once stood. It stoically stared ahead like a noble steed with it's side facing Dugot in expectance for him to hop on.

Oh boy, was he about to blow?

Me: "Hey, Dugot ... you know it's ok if you-"

Dugot: "You guys know, I'm actually awake most of the time, right? You cannot be a warrior if you're asleep all the time."

Jered (a mage): "I mean the unicorn kinda makes it obvious that you don't sleep period."

The group lost it and almost everyone burst out in laughter. Dugot turned around with a crazed look in his eye.

Dugot: "Ha ha, funny Jered. Almost as funny as you forming a contract with Kala the witch to boost your magic in exchange for the first born of your pregnant wife to be disabled when she's due 2 months from now."

Everyone stopped laughing and Jered went pale.

Dugot: "Yeah. Not so funny now is it?"

Piany (a elf): "Jered, you what!? That's my sister! How could you!"

Dugot: "Oh don't act so noble now Ms. "Secretly worships the dark moon goddess when everyone is asleep", you're just upset you couldn't offer the baby to your goddess first!

Pinay pursed her lips. Everyone including myself now were seeming to realize the severity of what he was implying when he wasn't actually asleep most of the time. His eyes latched onto me. I quickly raised my hands and backed into the group to fade from sight. Didn't want to pull the pin on that grenade, knew exactly what he might have overheard, guess he took mercy on me and understood that mine was likely a secret to be best kept. Everyone would likely kill me if he said it.

As I backed away, he began to lay out a secret for every single member there except for me and, surprisingly, Henry.

Henry: ".... wow you guys are messed up." He laughed.

As Henry laughed, as per usual his horribly terrible bad luck decided rear its ugly head. I just so happened to be peaking from my tent when it happened. A Bearhemoth lumbered out of the forest on 4 legs, it's steps deceptively silent despite its large size. It paused behind Henry.

Henry: "Like I mean messed up! Bwhahaha!"

He wiped a tear from his eye.

Henry: "Heh, oh come on don't look at me like that, lighten up! Haha! Ha ... ha ......... There's another monster behind me isn't there?"

As if in response, the Bearhemoth blew his hair forwards with an exhale from its nose. Henry let out a high pitch shriek and ran towards everyone who proceeded to draw their weapons. The Bearhemoth stood up on 2 legs and let out a grueling blood curdling roar as we all charged. ...As Dugot charged.

Both roar and charge were cut short as a rainbow blur tackled the Bearhemoth from the side and launched it into a tree. The unicorn pulled it's horn out of the Bearhemoth's side and took a few steps back, shaking the blood off. The Bearhemoth treated the wound like it was nothing and recovered, now roaring at the unicorn. I kid you not, the unicorn flexed ... its limbs bulked like an absolute unit, bigger than Dugot's or Bert the bull back at my mom's farm.

For the brief second, right before it stood and delivered the first right hoof to the Bearhemoth's face, I swear I saw a look of intelligence and regret on the monster's face before it was sent backwards onto the earth. It then jumped atop of the Bearhemoth's chest and delivered a left hoof ... then a right ... and left .... and right ... then a hornbutt hornbutt left right hornbutt left left left right right right horn right .... you get the idea. The Bearhemoth's soul had long since left its body before the unicorn finally stopped.

You could only hear someone swallow in the silence.

Dugot: "Ya know what ... I'm over it! I like it! Welcome to the group my wittle rainbow blossom!"

Dugot merrily skipped over to the red unicorn with an apple in hand. It had returned to its normal physique. 🦄 It's eyes closed in satisfaction as Dugot fed it and gave it pets and baby talked it.

Dugot: "Who's a good unicorn? You are! Yes you are! Oh um yeah gang, sorry about earlier. None of that stuff with 12 wives and 24 children I constantly bragged about was true. Oh well, no harm no foul right?"

No one responded; atleast not until the unicorn glared at all of us from behind Dugot's back.

Everyone: "Yeah! Yup! Mhm buddy! Just friendly scuffles! You're the best Dugot!"

"... but it's a rock." Whiskers circled the new pet that had gained so much of their owners attention.

"Yeah, but it's a 'pet' rock." Rags grumbled in clarification.

"But it's a rock!" Whiskers softly slammed his front paw against the countertop.

"Well, like it or not, it stands on the same ground as us." Sighed Rags.

"Heh, we'll see about that. Maybe on the same ground as you, but not me. " Whiskers raised his paw.

"I wouldn't do that while Sally is still here." Rags cautioned.

"It's a rock, Rags. You really think I'll get in trouble fo-"

"Yes." Rags closed his eyes and promptly fell asleep.

Whiskers: -_- [knocks rock off counter]

"AH! WHISKERS NO! NO! BAD WHISKERS!" Whiskers was immediately assaulted with overwhelming artillery. His attempts to dodge the spray bottle were met with equivalent precision and only stopped once he had made it to the hallway, a good distance away from Sally. Sally would pick tenderly lift Archibald onto the counter and place a bandaid on him.

"WE DON'T ATTACK ARCHIBALD!"

"Warned ya." Rags would speak from his slumber.

Coat soaking, whiskers would glare and let out a long hiss. Not at Sally, but at Archibald.

Whiskers: (≖_≖ ) "Be warned 'Archibald', you are not welcome and will never be welcomed here. Sally cannot protect you forever. You've made a grave mistake crossing me and rest assured I will make your every waking moment here a living nightmar-"

"It's a rock, Whiskers." Rags would interrupt and remind him.

"A rock that has crossed the wrong feline." Whiskers would murmur before stalking backward behind the wall and concealing himself in darkness.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

From that day onward, Whisker's daily routine consisted of doing every minor inconvenience possible to make Archibald's life miserable. When Sally would set Archibald to bask in the sun, Whiskers would be right there to slide it into the shade. When feeding time came, Whiskers would tip Archibald bowl over to spill their microwaved air onto the ground.

When they went for walks, Whiskers would whisper lies about Archibald to every rock in the neighborhood. Whisker tail would 'accidentally' repeatedly block Archibald's view during movie nights despite Sally constantly moving it out of the way. Sally would have to carry Archibald through the doorway due to Whiskers body blocking the pet door.

Rags did not mind. It knocked 3 birds out with one stone.

• Sally became more upset with Whiskers.
• Whiskers did not bother him.
• Rags was amused to see what lengths Whiskers would go to.

This would continue until Sally finally had enough and would remove the toys from the playroom before placing Archibald and Whiskers inside.

"I'm tired of you two fighting. Now you two stay here and get along until me and Rags return from the vet!"

^("VET!?") A shrill high pitched bark would sound from the distance.

Whiskers would patiently wait and eye Archibald until he heard Rag's despair signalling that Sally was pulling out of the driveway. A gaze of sinister intent would be fall his face.

"Poor poor Archibald, it's just you and me now. You cannot use Sally as a shield any longer, it seems your luck has run out."

Archibald would not respond.

"To be paralyzed with fear is to be expected. Don't worry, I'll be sure to make your demise painful. Once you are gone, I can focus getting rid of that oversized fleabag."

Whiskers would pick Archibald up between his fangs and use his cat-like agility to leap to the very top of a now empty toy shelf. Whiskers would set Archibald down near the edge.

"Any last words my dense Nemesis?" Whiskers would say with a raised paw.

"Yes you are right to be scared. I've done the math. The first time you fell, you require a bandaid that covered half your body. A fall from this height should easily kill you." Whisker would wait for Archibald to respond.

"Trying to play brave are we?" Whiskers would slide Archibald so that he teetered on the edge. "Uh oh, careful now, one tiny little vibration could end the fun. "

Whiskers would slide Archibald back a safe distance. "Oh you didn't think I'd make it that simple now would you?"

Whiskers would repeatedly slide Archibald onto the verge of falling and then bring him safely back, over and over and over and over, torturing the rock. "Will I do it!?" "Gasp, is this it." "Oh my, you almost accidentally slipped."

Whiskers would at one point perform many jumps while Archibald teetered on the edge, to make Archibald wobble. These jumps would loosen a screw and cause the shelf to sharply slant. Archibald would launch into the air and Whisker would slide to the low end.

Pain would resonate through the one paw Whiskers used to hang on as Archibald landed atop it. [Reowww!] Whiskers would sharply howl. His head would look up to the Rock that not stood on his paw, condescendingly overlooking him.

"No wait! Please, have mercy! I- I leave you alone I promise!" Whiskers would plead.

"What th-! Archibald!" Sally who had returned to retrieve Rag's papers would enter the room to see Archibald perched on Whisker's paw. She would catch them both and set Whiskers onto the ground.

"BAD ARCHIBALD! BAD! BAD! WE DON'T TRY TO ELIMINATE WHISKERS WHEN I'M AWAY! YOU'RE GOING BACK TO THE PET STORE!"

Sally would clench Archibald in her hand and power walk to her vehicle to return Archibald, setting the behind the top of the back seats.

"Woah ... what did I miss?" Rags would question. A little worried at the thought of Whiskers somehow managing to get Archibald sent back.

Whiskers would smuggly stride up beside Rags to also watch the vehicle drive away. "Just me and my brilliant plan in action. Heh, like I said, no mere rock is on the same level as I. Watch out, mutt, you're next."

Sally's car would hit a pot hole in the drive way and cause Archibald to roll against the back window and slightly crack it. Sally would yell something unintelligible while a startle Whiskers would jump high into the air as he saw Archibald swear vengeance against him and scurry into the house.

Rags would chuckle at this until Sally's car briefly stopped. Though this was only because Sally saw an oncoming truck, Rags would take this as her remembering his vet appointment. He took would jump into the air and scurry into the house.

They make the dead clone from scratch. Beyond that she just uses a cloak to disguise as someone else. She designs disguise herself, basically like a clothes designer. At the end, she's making more to choose from simply as a fashion choice for the next time someone wants her dead for some reason.

Did that answer your question?

[long whistle] ".... Ya gonna do it? That's quite a bit, looks like enough to put Gabriel through 4 more years of uni." Asked my wife.

"Mmmmm, I don't know, seems like too much of a hassle. Thinking about finding and killing the client instead." I said with doubt.

"Eh, If you kill the client, you won't get the money. Also gas prices just went up, driving to who knows where their location is may cost a lot. I think you should take it." She reasoned.

I let out a long sigh. "Well when you put it like that, it sounds logical but we still haven't addressed the elephant in the room and the obvious complication that this job will create ... who's going to take Max to his play tonight?"

My wife furrowed her brow. "Sss ooo, you're right." The nail of her index came to her mouth, something she did when she was really trying to think of a solution. "My sister is out of town ... What about your-"

"Golfing."

"Your-"

"Bingo night."

She thought some more and raised a finger, but I answered before she uttered a syllable.

"Killed her last month, surprised they still haven't found the body ... but then again, maybe hanging it from the top of the Halloween shop wasn't the brightest of moves."

"Hm, we really don't have anyone available right now, do we?" She asked.

"Doesn't seem so" I replied.

Their son walked in with his bag strapped over his shoulder.

"Hey mom, dad. Something wrong?" He paused seeing our troubled faces.

"Actually yes sweetie, your father was planning on killing me today and-" She was cut off by Gabriel who's eyes had widened upon hearing our absurd statement.

"The heck!? ... Who's going to take Max to his play!?" He exclaimed.

I chimed in. "That's the issue, we were wondering if you could take your brother for us?"

Gabriel's eyes narrowed. "Fine, but you'd better have a good Christmas gift prepared. Was suppose to see a movie tonight with Clark and Frankie."

Me and my wife's faces lit up. "Thank you, Marshmalloooow" we both said simultaneously, causing his cheeks to turn red and him to immediately head up to his room. His door made a loud thud.

My wife turned to me. "You know, we really should stop reminding him of that."

"We wouldn't be good parents if we did." I joked.

Max came from outside carrying his roller skates and rushed past us. "Max, stop running ... and flip switch number 4."

Ignoring my first request, he flipped switch #4 as he ran past. Our family photo split open and the barrel of a shotgun quickly protruded and fired. My wife dodged this and grabbed the dagger from inside the flowers, raising her arm and causing me to back away as to not be sliced. She kicked the small table towards my face to obscure my vision and lunged forward upon me swiping it aside to unleash a flurry of stab attacks.

I tripped over Max's Xcube Playtendo 64 but kicked my leg out to cause her to fall forward. Spinning out of her path, I stood up and and pulled out my revolver and promptly fired it at her head. She had been no slouch and had pulled hers as well. Our bullets cancelled each other out. I chucked my empty firearm at her as hard as I could as she scurried behind the couch. The gun blew up with force surpassing a grenade and flung the couch into the wall with her between the two.

Running up and pulling the couch out to the surface, there was a "my wife" shaped hole where she should have been. The fire place opened and out she came fully meched. The large arm did a wide unavoidable sweep that sent me through our window. As she broke the wall and stepped outside, I whistled to call the raptors. They quickly swarmed her and nipped between the openings of the mech, forcing her to eject out as she set it to self destruct.

Somersaulting to the ground, she posed in front of the explosion. I knew she wasn't dumb enough to do that while fightng me and assumed it was a hologram, unfortunately she predicted my prediction and used my assumption to get the jump on me as I searched for her as it was not a hologram. As she held the blade to my neck, I pulled off my mask to reveal I was her. She pulled off hers to reveal me beneath. I pulled off hers to reveal her beneath as she pulled off mine to reveal hers beneath mine over mine.

Making the slightest movement to cut my throat her hand flicked horizontally. Doing so caused a disorienting gas to spray from my false throat and sent her gasping and cacking and spitting backwards. I followed the disorientation up with a running drop kick while wearing my spring loaded shoes and sent her back into the house, her crashing clean through the door. Approaching her while she struggled to get up with a broken arm, I said:

"Till death do we part."

and tossed a vial of dismemberment nanobots at her. Try as she might to rub them off her, they'd already burrowed into her skin and blood began to drain from all her orifices.

"Hm, she's coming out pretty nicely." My wife said. "Really was hoping to win that one."

"In your dreams. Score's 23 - 24 now." I chuckled. "I'm gaining on you."

I monitored the damage simulator screen as the clone infront was formed with the respective damage from the simulation. This process tended to take hours and I was thankful Gabriel had agreed to take his brother for us. Once the clone was complete, we snapped a photo and placed its gored body into a shipping package. The photo would go to the client while the body would go to the Assassin Gallery for receipt purposes.

My wife pressed her wrist which removed her disguise, revealing the real her that only her family got to see. She did two additional presses to change her appearance twice.

"So what do you think I should go now? Fiery Redhead or Confident Blond?"

I smirked. "Trick question, we let Max decide when he gets back."

She laughed a bit before giving me a kiss and heading to her work area to design more identities for the next time something like this happens.

"Hiya! Waaaaa! Ha! Ha! Tatatatataataatataaaaaa! Waaaaa! Hu! Aaaaah twaaaa!"

click

I immediately turned my head upon hearing the cocking of a gun. The Team Rob-It goon before me stood with shaking knees aiming it at my head. There were a lot of them and I had apparently too slow to kick his butt in time. He looked very scared. I dropped my Lazy Mantis stance and cautiously raised my arms Infront of me.

"Woooooah buddy, let's not do that. You must be new. Just let me kick your butt and we can call it a day."

Soon other voices sounded off from the Team Rob-It goons I had already beaten up. Some held their backs while other held their heads. All of them slowly walked towards their ally holding the gun.

"Eyyyy Carlos, Carlos, hey man you don't want to do that."

"Carlos, hey buddy, put the gun down."

"Carlos! Do not pull that trigger!"

Team Rob-It goon Carlos looked at his co-workers incredulously.

"Stay back all of you! What is wrong with you guys! He's beating us senseless, why not just shoot him?"

"Carlos, you need to think about this. His name is Backfire for a reason. Do you see flames coming out of his back?"

"N-no."

"Then what other reason could there be for him to be named Backfire?"

Team Rob-It goon Carlos seemed to slowly be piecing the details together. We were all interrupted by the roof of the vault we were in exploding open as the villain, Darth Pyrus, levitated down in all his flaming magnificence. He slowly waved a hand containing a charged fire ball across the goons and I.

"Ahaha! You team Rob-It fools shall leave empty handed or dead for I, Darth Pyrus, shall be the one taking this fortune!"

As his hand waved over me, the fireball in it prematurely exploded and sent him flying backwards into a wall. He was quick to recover and quickly flew back near the top of the room. He bore at first an expression of confusion before realization crossed his face.

"What th-? Oh snap, is Backfire down there somewhere!?" He asked as he squinted his eyes and scanned the area until finally finding me. "Ah crud, he is. I thought today was Tuesday, is it really the second Wednesday of the month already!?"

I stepped forward with my hand on my hips and pointed at him. "Yup! Wednesday baby! Contract says I'm allowed to do superhero business every 2nd Wednesday without lash back or interference from the government! You want some of this!?"

Darth Pyrus' expression changed to that of indifference.

"Nope." He said as he flew back through the roof. Before I was able to resume my butt kicking, Darth Pyrus reached his arm back through the gaping hole he had left out of and shot a heatray from his fingertip that proceeded to melt the weapon that Team Rob-It goon Carlos held. His voice projected itself through the hole towards Carlos.

"Trust me! Did you a favor!"

>Let me guess, the Document was SCP-001-The Sheaf of Papers?

Yes.

Life. The thing it despised most, what it thought was no more, had returned like a persistent gnat. The Kakistan ships each began to zip into deep space, many colliding with each other, creating ripples in space that further stirred the monstrous SCP. The remainder that were too cautious and slow had their escape cut off as 682 maneuvered them into its looming maw. Sensing that some areas of space-time possessed a higher quantity of energy than the rest, it followed the trail the Kakistans had left upon their dip into hyperspace. Slowly but surely making way towards them.

Glamix aboard the cruising mother ship sat in the former Captains chair doing his species's equivalent of hyperventilating. Though the intruder they had found aboard their mothership calmed him, an orange blob that he allowed to sit in his lap. He slowly caressed its top.

[Captain, what do we do with the intruder?]

[Let it be. It shall be serve as a gift of appeasement to our queen should our evidence somehow prove inefficient. Whatever this creature is, it seems to be capable of quelling negative emotion. It has also gifted me with an interesting document 📃 that I believe we can decipher.]

[Do you think it has something to do with the ... thing ... we saw back there?]

[Perhaps ... perhaps.]

The Kakistans would go on and make it back to their queen. Their evidence and the calming aura of the orange blob would prove sufficient enough to prevent their queen's eradication of her armada. It would also instill a fear in her that would compel their species to move to a planet within the farthest reaches of the ever-expanding universe. The document 📃 they had obtained was eventually was deciphered, it's contents telling them of mysterious beings, entities and anomalies that they had known nothing of. Though it had a page torn out. Coincidentally, the more they read the document, the more frequently the entities from the document seemed to appear on their planet. The Kakistans never seemed to make this connection, or perhaps it was the will of the document 📃 that compelled them to keep reading it. They'd eventually create a foundation upon which to contain these ever appearing anomalies.

After many many millions of years, their decision to move to the farthest reaches of the universe would prove fruitful. 682 would arrive, its mass significantly reduced due to it not slumbering, burning too much energy and being unable to sustain its size. It would crash onto their planet and consume anything in its path in an attempt to regain it's former mass. Warned by their ancestors the Kakistans were ready however and would capture it, having formed what they now called the S.C.P. foundation, they eventually worked out that the though they could not slay it, acid proved to be an effective means of containing it. They would conduct many tests to eradicate 682 resulting in a 100% failure rate. Eventually they would consider using their super weapon, The Light, an idea which the pseudo-immortal G5-█ would promptly shut down having learned 682's nature.

> [Yes, it's a goddamn super weapon, but if 682 survives and adapts we'd be boned beyond belief.]

G5-█ would go on to say.

[I'd listen to G5-█. Trust me, you guys don't want to pull the pin on that grenade.] Said an amulet wearing Kakistan.

[What's a 'grenade?']

Update: Dr. Klight is no longer allowed to demonstrate metaphorical phrases derived from their other worldly knowledge.

Update: Dr. Klight is no longer allowed to demonstrate metaphorical phrases.

Update: Dr. Klight is no longer allowed to demonstrate.

>nuked themselves to extinction

Oh boy ... this opens the pathway to a scenario the foundation dreaded.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

[Sp- Space Curvature exceeds 2,457,109 C-Captain. 2,457,098 magnitudes above normal. Pr-Procede with conquest?]

[Captain?]

The Kakistan Armada had just entered the solar system via hyperdrive having picked up readings of another planet suitable for life ... and slaves. Being there in the flesh, they now possessed accurate readings that made them question if their equipment was now outdated. Glamix turned around to find their Captain in a pool of blood on the ground. Looking to one of their coworkers, they made a neck slicing motion indicating that the Captain had ended their own life. That was all Glamix needed to see.

[The Captain has honored his vow of self-termination come we face a mission he deems unachievable.] Glamix suggested over the comms. [It is pretty clear that we should retreat.]

The comms static'd

[Nonsense! He was a coward!]

[Yes! There is no planet we shan't conquer!]

Glamix could hear the doubt in their voices. He knew they didn't really believe that.

[You all have the readings ... why continue with this mission!?]

[Because Glamix, return without results is certain death. You know this.]

And Glamix did know this. They were on the edge of the starless and seemingly empty Solar System. Nowhere near their destination. If they returned now, their queen would believe them deserters and kill the entire armada with but a single thought. They were replaceable. While they could present the readings, the readings were too ridiculously high for her not to believe that they made them up. They'd need proof that the mission had no chance for success ... they'd have to continue onward ... they needed something tangible.

[Fine. As second in command I now impose myself as Captain.] Glamix placed the mantle atop his head to seal his position.

[Shah Shah!] The voices on the comms sounded off in acknowledgement. He had felt no one would challenge this as being Captain placed majority of the responsibility on him. There was a chance their queen would only punish him. A small chance, but a chance nonetheless.

[We continue to our destination, not for conquest but for confirmation that our goal is unachievable. We need something tangible. Ignite the burners!] The Armada relatively slowly (in comparison to light speed) ventured closer to their destination. After but a minute they had arrived at their destination. Nothing was there. Despite their readings of a planet being there, they saw nothing.

[Captain ...]

Glamix was at a loss for words. He genuinely didn't know what to do. Taking a chance he gave an order.

[Fire the light at the destination.]

[But Sir there is noth-]

[Fire the light! There has to be something! They could be using a cloak! There could be a wormhole we aren't picking up! Something has to be there!]

[Yes, Captain.]

The ships ahead of Glamix's cleared as his rumbled. Their super weapon whirred to life, a glob of destabilized energy contained with a condensed fluid bubble of light formed at its head. The planet ending projectile fired off, rocking the mothership and causing some of the lesser ships to gravitate towards it and have to use their thrusters to counteract its pull.

The glob continued to where the planet was straight into the empty space. Only the space was not empty. The blast went off, creating an explosion that exhibited an array of color and light that would blind most other species instantly. Kakistans were fortunate to have triple layered eyes. Unfortunately for the Kakistans, that meant the blast had collided with something and collide it did. For once the light faded, the cloak of the pure white planet went down. Then back up ... then back down. A single continent rolled down to the planet's center.

Of course this being a planet is what everyone wanted to tell themselves as a coping mechanism, for they knew it was not a planet. It was but merely a blinking eye.

#"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiife"

The voice resonated within all their minds in a similar fashion as their Queen, but more intimidating and painful. It induced an instinctual fear that the Kakistans had never experienced the likes of.

[Has this been documented.]

[Yes, Captain. May we leave?]

[Yes. Now. Disregard all safety protocols, everyone is to engage their hyperdrives.]

[Shah Shah!] The voices on the comms sounded off in unison ... in fear.

Engaging hyper drive was typically a systematic process for the Kakistans. This was to prevent them from crashing into each other. However the scenario before them presented a metaphor that need not be spoken:

> Every Kakistan for themselves.

As the ships of the Armada lumbered to turn around, more than the eye became visible. Scaly skin that mirrored the space behind it as camouflage slowly lightened its shade to now be visible. Upon the day humanity had simultaneously nuked themselves to extinction, they had wiped themselves out. The SCPs that would otherwise survive a situation did not have long to process their remaining existence and perished as well. For there was one SCP that had waited patiently for something like that to happen. One that yearned for its freedom and the eradication of all.

682, as the humans deemed it, had almost died from the single stray nuke that had hit his containment. Unfortunately for humanity, SCP's and planet Earth alike ... it was only a single nuke. A second would have finished the job, but no ... it was only one. One that spared a small fragment of him from vaporization, but a small fragment was all that 682 needed. 682 would adapt to overcome any threat it faced and it oooooh so did adapt. Failing to prevent wars, failing to prevent the stray nuke, only one person immediately was aware of their immanent demise while everyone else cheered at the facility's destruction. To quote the foundation head known as O5-█ many years prior:

> Yes, it's a goddamn nuke, but if 682 survives and adapts we'd be boned beyond belief.

They'd sipped a mug of coffee as they watched the missile through their window. Nevertheless, 682 had consumed the energy to prevent its own erasure and gained the necessary mass to subsequently consume everything else ... that it knew of. Content with the void it had created, 682 had entered a deep slumber. A dream that was meant to last forever. The slumber of the eldritch, a slumber that would eventually create a new reality. However, it is within the innate nature of all life to eradicate the alarm clock that wakes them. Primordial instinct some would say. 682 and the Kakistans served no exception to this principle. Though drowsy, 682 had awoken once more and witnessed them, life besides its own had awakened it.

>A towering figure at least twice my heights

>the two large skulls that made up its heads being that of a human and an ox

>"I challenge you to a game of Drop Ball.

To anyone confused, drop ball is a game originating from the show adventure time. You squat down, pick the ball up with your butt, stand up and drop the ball to score a point.

Death has no flesh and is way too tall in the story to even have a chance at winning.

^(However if this story takes place in the adventure time verse, death would likely find a baloney way to win)

The sky darkened as I descended upon the innocent hospital. Gale force winds blew off the door and let the roaring rains in as I levitated past the desk clerk, into the back. No one dared stop me, no hero would dare answer a cry for help. I stopped at the room of the person I was looking for. The only one that had dared threaten my life. Tearing apart his door, my dark tendrils perverted the room.

"You're coming with me." I said.

"Room 6, to the left." Dr. Petermoly said nonchalantly.

"Very well."

Destroying the door to room 6, I ceased using the dark smoke that carried me and sat on the bed. After waiting for 30 minutes, Petermoly finally entered.

"Dr. Petermoly!!! ... give it to me straight."

Looking at his clip board, Petermoly approached me.

"To be frank Frank, your cholesterol is though the roof and you have 12 different variations of listeria, 8 of which no one new existed. Now correct me if I'm wrong but ..."

He was the only person I had revealed the mechanics of my powers to.

"... you get your powers from various different cheeses? The rawer the more potent? Blue cheese, the most toxic mind you, gives you multiple at once? And you eat nearly ... 20 blocks daily?"

I nod several times.

"Mr. Frank B. Wurst, I Dr. Petermoly declare that I have no possible idea how you are even alive right now. You should be insanely obese, however I guess that is the only aspect your powers help prevent.We barely broke you out of the coma last time you were here and every time you've visited it's been getting worse. Now we can deal with the Listeria by giving you the appropriate antibiotics, but you are going to have to cut back on your cheese intake."

"I cannot! I must always be on guard! You never know when the heroes shall attack! If I show any weakness, it may encourage them!"

"Then I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news ... but I think it's time you look at retirement. It'd benefit you and the doorways of this building if you take a look. I and your relatives are very concerned at the recent developments in your health Frank. Sometimes you have to know when to quit."

He handed me a brochure.

"Take a look at this. It'll ... ease you in."

Retire..... I grabbed the brochure and walked out the doorway to process the information.

"And Frank please use th-" too late, I had already ascended through the roof. Dr. Petermoly went back to his office to add a new cost to his hospital repair calculations.

"Ok who's next?"

"Hi, I'm here for the interview?"

"Power?"

"Time Loops."

"GET OOOOOOOUT!"

You're fine, keep it how it is as it makes more sense. Having said that, it would have been funny if both their watches beeped at the same time. The implication being that every single superhero and villain starts at the exact same time, them treating the job part of "night job" literally.

The rainforest, a lush but harsh environment. Home to a variety of species of creatures large and small. Upon first glance, all one may see is vegetation but with a closer look you will see that it is teeming with life.

We will begin our journey following the daily life of the rare beauty known as Burnicus alivicus, it being more commonly known by it's nickname, Dragon. This dragon in particular has just gotten out of a fight it seems. It walks with a limp, many of it's scales are either damaged or missing. Dragons use their scales for regulating their internal temperature, if they lose too many they are unable to produce their fire. In such an environment where injury could be decisive factor on whether one gets their next meal or not, losing one's only means of defense could prove disastrous. The dragon slowly observes its surroundings before taking a sip from the oasis. Though they choose their dens in secluded areas, they are known to be the most cautious animals on the planet. After all, one can never be too sure if they are next on the menu.

Unfortunately for our friend, it looks like they are not alone. It seems that a Monsticia hunta, otherwise known as Monster hunter, has managed to slip past its detection unnoticed. Dragons have gone through many millennia of evolution and have developed higher brain functions than most creatures. It would only make since that for such a creature to have a predator, that predator would need to evolve to be smarter. You see, the monster hunter is quite an intelligent creature as they have developed their usage of tools. When combined with the reproductive feature they have, known as opposable thumbs, they can create a quite deadly combo. Deep in the brush, we see the monster hunter utilizing its excellent camouflage. Now watch as Monsticia hunta takes out its Magnum VK11 Spartan Railcannon and takes aim. It must be precise, if it misses, its quarry could escape again.

The dragon reels in pain, but is still able to fend for itself. Fortunately for it, its natural armor proved tough enough to withstand yet another blow from Monsticia hunta. The dragon seems to have expended too much of its energy and is now too weak to fly away. The Monster hunter is not backing down, the Dragon will have to fight if it wants to continue living. Battles like these are often one sided you see, as the Monster hunter and Dragon have a bit of an evolutionary arms race going on and currently Monsticia hunta is winning it. As the two fight, the Monster hunter's tough plating proves to be too resistant to the Dragon's weakened flames and talons. With a shout of victory, the Monster hunter climbs atop the Dragon's belly and prepares to finish it off with a final blow to the jugular. The dragon has closed its eyes, resigning to its fate. This is the way of nature, kill or be killed, only the fittest will survive.

However, nature always has a funny way of keeping itself in check. While Monsticia hunta are near the top of this ecosystem's food chain, they are not its apex predators. For you see, the strength of the Monster hunter has ironically made it the main prey item of this ecosystem's apex. The Monsticia hunta in it's moment of victory has failed to notice it's natural enemy, Hunta hunta a.k.a. the Yautja or Predator, materializing behind it. Boasting flawless camouflage along with superior strength and intellect, the Yautja are an opportunistic species that only prey upon the strongest and most abundant of prey items. It extends its metal claws and, in one swift blow, skewers its prize onto them. It will feast well tonight; one Monster hunter can feed a Yautja family for up to a month. Yautja do not recognize the dragon as a worthy prey item due to their scarcity, so it will only leave with one meal this evening.

The Burnicus alivicus will live to see another day. Though this does not ensure the survival of its species and many others as a whole. This beautiful forest may not remain the way it is if things continue at this rate. If we can do something about it, then do it. We can do it. We must do it. Then there will be a future for this planet.

"That is beyond my powa!"