Fontaigne

Fontaigne t1_iycg6wr wrote

Reply to comment by WIHachillies in [WP] You are a superhero whose civilian identity is a teacher. One student asked if you could tutor them after school, and you agreed. After it was over, you escorted them to the front of the school for their parent to pick them up... and you see your nemesis waiting by the car. by SomeSortOfUser

Okay, some pronoun confusion at the start. "Their" could have been "Inanoi Middle school's", and "she" would reference Nox. If you reorder it a bit, you can eliminate that kathunk.

Something on the order of

>Nox watched Nay as she blah blah.

However, two characters with three letter non-gendered names in a single paragraph is an unnecessary barrier to the reader for a flash story. Ah, looks like you changed to Amber and missed the first paragraph?

>playfully ruffled

Nope nope nope. Teachers do not touch kids.

>rubbed against her leg

WTF. Your "hero" is a molester? And has convinced the kid to change her name?

SMDH.

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Fontaigne t1_iyce4br wrote

Reply to comment by nohemi_trevino in [WP] You are a superhero whose civilian identity is a teacher. One student asked if you could tutor them after school, and you agreed. After it was over, you escorted them to the front of the school for their parent to pick them up... and you see your nemesis waiting by the car. by SomeSortOfUser

This arc would need more than one conversation. I'd like to see a three parter, with actual villainy and actual conflict.

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Fontaigne t1_iy8gi16 wrote

Reply to comment by RhetoricalRaph in [WP] An eldritch horror disguised as a human is on a date. An angel disguised as a pigeon lands nearby. "Hello, unworldly abomination." "Hello, self-righteous vermin." by Affectionate_Bit_722

This is a writing focused subReddit. The assumption is that people want to improve their writing.

If it was not useful to you, that's fine. Other writers may appreciate the tip, and still others may disagree.

All advice is offered without warranty and without obligation. Ignore it with my blessing.

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Fontaigne t1_iy8g0qq wrote

Reply to comment by TheDarkAngel135790 in [WP] An eldritch horror disguised as a human is on a date. An angel disguised as a pigeon lands nearby. "Hello, unworldly abomination." "Hello, self-righteous vermin." by Affectionate_Bit_722

A major issue with using King James badly is that it is using King James badly.

There is no internal logic to do so...no reason that an immortal being would use language like that poorly or ironically. When Deadpool does it, it's funny, because you know he knows they know he knows.

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Fontaigne t1_ixrntru wrote

Reply to comment by RhetoricalRaph in [WP] An eldritch horror disguised as a human is on a date. An angel disguised as a pigeon lands nearby. "Hello, unworldly abomination." "Hello, self-righteous vermin." by Affectionate_Bit_722

>Thy make me want to vomit.

That would be

>Thou makest me desire to vomit.

similar to the Lord's Prayer

>Thou makest me lay down in green pastures.

The pronouns "thy" and "thine" rhyme with "my" and "mine" because they have the same functions as each other, respectively.

>Thou will drink thy soup and I will drink mine.

>I will eat my bread and thou will eat thine.

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Fontaigne t1_itvlss4 wrote

Reply to comment by sadnesslaughs in [WP] All your life, mythological beings have tried to pick you up. Childhood? Forced adoption. Teenagehood/Adulthood? Marriage. For example, selkies purposefully left their skins where you'd find them; banshees serenade you outside every night. Now at 30, you've learned why you attract them all... by MidgardWyrm

Somehow, it seems like the next chapter will bring new meaning to the term "swipe left".

His best bet is to hope for a human with a hint of Fae blood.

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