Pssssht ;)

"BOOOOYAAH!"

Micky's voice rang through the office hall.

"First place! 13k minutes in stealth, 6k without interruption, employee of the month. And a sweet bonus for vacation in a five star hotel of my choice."

Everyone rolled their eyes. At least inside. Everyone knew how Micky was the favourite of the Clanhead. Donny sighed. Unbelievable, that the chaotic Micky would have the greatest stealth score.

"C'mon Micky, sneaking around is all you do. Have you seen my report? I sabotaged five top secret operations and delayed them untill our clients released their products" Leon chimmed in.

Kaboom

El had thrown his disciple through a shoji blind. The Clan would deduce the damage from El's paycheck. Did he even receive one? The last time he was tasked to tail a high profile CEO it ended in a fistfight. But for a ninja El wasn't low-key enough. It is 2023. Instead of wearing some hoodies or jogging pants, he still insisted on his very eye-catching black robe. The Clan had to pay a hefty sum to let this accident disappear.

Donny smiled at the surveilance camera. Surely their father was having a headache.

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. That was how their Clan survived untill now. As the ties and loyalty grew thin, money held them together. And the best way to motivate Gen Z ninjas was gamification. Let them compete against each other. Tracking their times, their achievements, their progress. Paying them a bonus if they did well. Of course, with all those drones and cams all around it became hard to hide. But nowadays their disguise were disgruntled teenagers. Some kids hanging out on the street. Nobody bat an eye, if they were recording with their devices or taking pictures. Everyone does that. Also. Hacking was a part of their education. Firearm training, drone racing, doing things from a distant. Much safer than swordfights, like in the past.

To those who didn't know they were a modern family business working in the field of IT consulting. A very good pretense to meet their targets.

Life sure changes all the time. But that their family was a family of ninjas wasn't one of these changes.

Hither in these ruins I standeth, a marker to remind of what hath transpired here. This place, once a village, now lieth in ruins.

A dragon of great might once made her abode nigh unto here, abiding by an ancient pledge that she would cause no harm unto the folk of this land.

Becoming accustomed to the sight of the ancient beast, the village folk began to harass her. Time passed, and new generations were born, and soon the foolish villagers forgot why dragons are held in such high esteem. The harassment turned to violence, the violence to arson, and the arson to attempts at murder. Yet, despite it all, the dragon never retaliated, and the townfolk felt emboldened to bully a creature that was supposed to be a force beyond compare. But they went too far.

I am a sign, a tale-teller, a warning to take heed. For even the most gentle heart may be broken. Blinded by wrath, the dragon chose to teach them a lesson, one far crueler than simple destruction. She chose to seek justice through the law.

The village's expansion, which included felling of the forest? A violation of tree law.

The attempted murder? Guilt was established.

Arson? Endangered species law was invoked.

The taking of water from the lake? Theft and trespassing.

The road? Constructed in violation of state laws.

The treehouse for children? Ye should not trifle with fricking tree laws. The list is longer than I can recount, but as a result, the villagers found themselves drowning in debt, facing legal fees and fines, with some even sent to prison. And finally, the town was built too near to the dragon's lair, and was found in contravention of the wildlife protection laws. And so, it was decreed to be disbanded forthwith.

Verily, ye should not mess with dragons.

Thank you :)

The mission was easy: Infiltrate, observe, kill. The crown prince wasn't willing to abdicate? For only a few ducats Mr. Uncatchable took the job. This was too easy. He was a master of blending in. Nobody noticed, when he sneaked in. Nobody noticed that while the other servants vacated the floor to let the newly appointed heir rest, he stayed behind.

Mr. Uncatchable located him soon enough. He only needed to follow the sobbing sounds. A delicate placate indicated the room he was looking for.

Silently Mr. Uncatchable slipped in. He didn't need to open the door much. Like liquid he pressed himself through the crack. Too easy. After this job was done he would go on a lengthy vacation. The prince sat on the ground. He was crying. Scattered around him were pictures of him and his brother. The brother who had sent Mr. Uncatchable to kill. 'Didn't the royal family educate the crown prince better? What a mess' the silent killer thought, when he casted his little evocation spell: Eradicating Knive.

Being an assassin meant, that Mr. Uncatchable was a man of focus commitment and sheer will and of course dedication. Always keep your eyes on the target.

So where did it went wrong? Nothing indicated, that the mission would fail. But failure as assassin always implicated terrible fates. Mr. Uncatchable replicated this moment many times. Sneak in, ready the weapon, aaaand. The obfuscating scent of a strange medication. He would fail this assignment 10/10 times.

"What is this smell?" he cried out unvoluntary.

Startled by the sound the prince would look around and grab him. Thanks to the scent Mr. Uncatchable had lost his concentration. His weapons were gone. Desperately he defended himself barehanded but was soon overwhelmed by his target. There was no way Mr. Uncatchable could communicate with his allies asking for help.

Now he was cuddling in the arms of his victim who had found the letter Mr. Uncatchable's client gave him. His plan was to leave this letter over the crown prince's dead body. But now it would serve as evidence of his failed assassination attempt.

'Dear Brother,

I am sorry I screamed at you, when you were appointed as heir. I never meant to harm you, and while I spoke threats in rage I still love and care for you. As as apology I sent you someone I found while I was out in the city. He likes shiny objects, so I thought you might want to spoil him a bit. I went to your room earlier to bring another present and to apologize in person. You weren't here, so I left it under the bed. Your companion will love it.

It's Catnip.

I hope you can forgive me.

Love.

Your Brother'

Hahaha, true. It just felt like the most relatable choice.

Fools. Pathetic. Army surplus stores? Loser.

My time has come. I was chosen by heaven. This specific scenario. I had it all played out in my mind. Often I would mind my business and imagine how I'd save the day if a zombie apocalypse broke out. Don't you fear, for I am here.

The first thing I do is stacking chainmail and blades. What numerous simulations taught me was, that guns were too loud and would attract the masses. I've seen enough MMA clips on Youtube to be confident that I could fend them all off, but it would look way more heroic, if I just sliced through them from the get go. Also a fullbody chainmail protects your whole body.

This war of mine showed me, that while canned food was quick and practical, I'd need some sustainable food source. But don't worry pal. Thanks to grounded I can proudly call myself a gardening expert. A few hours is all it will take to harvest plentiful.

As for a fortress? Hah, hours of Anno qualify me as an engineer. I will build a whole city. You guys are safe with me. I'll be a wise ruler. Through my experience as reddit mod I am great fit for this job.

Yours truly

Your average edgy teenager

u/Hunter62610 This one's a bit messy and I will change the name if you are uncomfortable. (Just skip to the last paragraph of the story if it's too much text) You gave me some ideas, so I added a little gimmick at the end

Part 2

"So the cuckoo attacked some people and I kid you not, he hammered some of theminto the ground" The officer, who had watched the video more than a dozentimes already glanced at the pits in the floor. It took them many hair dryersto remove those unlucky souls.

The turtle spins straight at the mouse. However last second the mouse kicks the turtle. The Officer was pretty sure many prestigious soccer clubs would love to sign a contract with this mouse. Redirected the turtle hits the cuckoo that was pecking its latest victim. Feathers. Everywhere.The officer looked up. On Hunters left shoulder was his so-called feathered friend that barely concealed its bottom half with feathers it collected of the ground. 

"And here is the banana peel again. Let me get this straight. The mouse slipped and used the overabundant energy to run up the wall." "Exactly. And as a patron saw the mouse, they ditched the anvil. Which resulted inanother hole." Another hole. True, there was a hole even before the turtle dropped. “Mr. Scherer was aware of the mouse infestation. He insisted, that the cat, anotherhealth and safety risk I might add, was enough to deal with it.”

Rewind. The turtle collides with the cuckoo and comes to a halt. An old lady who is way too focused on the music her Walkman is playing stumbles over the turtle shell. She races straightagainst the gym doors which offer no resistance. They fly open and the lady falls down the stairs. “I don’t want to say ‘told you so’-“ “-but you warned Mr. Scherer of placing the door right in front of the staircase.” The officer’s head began to hurt. He would have to work overtime to include everything thatwas wrong with this case.

“And the first hole was…” The Officer starts the record again “… created by a piano. How ironic.” “Despite my best efforts the gym owner insisted that the glass floor could hold the piano.Who could have foreseen, that one of the people pecked by the cuckoo was an opera singer. Her screeching reached heights I didn’t know humans were capable of. The floor could hold piano but coupled with her voice it was too much. Fortunately, only the part where the piano was placed collapsed, instead of the whole second floor.” “Which resulted into Mr. Scherer’s current condition.” “To save some room he tore down the walls to the storage room. That is why the janitors kept their tools in that corner. Mr. Scherer didn’t mind his steps and unintentionally stepped on a rake. The screaming and the loss of his valuable piano was too much for him. He went for the emergency exit. You know? The one door that is blocked by janitor utensils. This is so dangerous and illegal, but nobody ever asks the health and safety officer.” Hunter turned his head towards his boss who was still out cold, after the rake hit hishead.

“When his shady neighbour, whom Mr. Scherer hired to cut the tree in front of the gym, something long overdue as it was just a matter of months until this rotten old tree would snap and slam into this building, saw how Mr. Scherer went down, he yelled something along the line of ‘ain’t do no work for  dead men’, packed up and left.” But Mr. Scherer wasn’t dead. Just unconscious. “That is why the half cut tree collapsed” The officer watched the part again, where amidst the chaos and panic a tree hits through the window.

The dog gets scared by the tree and starts to run, dragging the table where its owner bound the leash with it. Clank. Everything that was on the table was now scattered on the floor. Only because he watched this video so many times he caught a glimpse of the mouse trying to steal some of the food that just dropped. The cat immediately jumps up and chases the mouse. The tree had hit a pipe as it destroyed the wall. A pipe that was already old. Something Hunter remarked many loops ago. The dog obviously scared by the mouse proceeds to retreat onto a chair. Pause.

“Am I free to go Officer?” The Officer sighs. Incredibly no one was hurt badly. Even the old lady landed without evena scratch. “Yea. I will make sure Mr. Scherer receives a fine for this… mess. Some gym members already voiced they might sue, but this shouldn’t concern you.” Just before Hunter stepped out of the door the officer raised his voice again. “Hunter? Do me a favour and take a few days off before you go job hunting again.This is already the third chain of mishaps that involves you this year. And it is still january. I am done with writing unbelievable reports.” Hunter grinned. “Almost as if a god had his hands in it.”

The unknown treadmill runner sat in a pub. It was already late so the only other person there was the barkeeper when Hunter entered. “You look terrible. Here, I already ordered a beer for you. And let me help you fix your hair” Thebarkeeper put another beer on the table. “It was to be expected that something was bound to happen if no one ever listens to me. Iam the safety and health officer after all, Dave.” “Sure. You always have the greatest ideas. Remember the black hole one? I might try it outone day…”

Part 1

In front of the officer was a laptop. No matter how many times the video played, it just didn’t make any sense at all. A brown mouse chases a grey cat around a chair. Standing on the chair a dog that looked terrified.  "So you really expect me to believe this was all just an innocent accident?" The officer gestures at the room. If he hadn't seen the video, he would never believe it. But just a few hours ago this was just a normal gym like every other. The officer pointed at a corner that was covered in rust. What once were parts of a treadmill was now spread all over the ground. A treadmill that clearly exploded. Next to the Officer sat Hunter. His left arm was in sling, while his right hand absentmindedly tried to get the dust out of his burned hair.

"Well yes. The dog jumped onto the person on the treadmill. Unfortunately, they seem tohave some backache as everyone present could hear a crack and them shouting 'Oh, My Back'. I advised the gym owner not to allow pets into the fitness area as they might becomehazards"

"So this..." The officer looked at the laptop "unknown person with exaggerating back pain noises tried to support himself by grabbing the treadmill and accidently pushed some buttons. Which triggered a self-destruct function?" "Oh no, Officer. I asked the gym owner several times to repair this treadmill. It surely was a malfunction. What treadmill has a self-destruct button, please?" Hunter laughed. While he tried to hide his nervousness, the officer was correct to think Hunter might be the root of everything that happened today.

Another replay. The mouse finally catches the tail of the cat. With unexplainable strength the mouse pulls the cat and bites it. "Ouch" Hunter felt sorry for that poor cat. Still Hunter didn't dare to say more than answers to the officer’s questions. While Hunter was confident that no lawyer was needed, he also knew that everything he said could and would be held against him. Of course, only if the officer was determined to arrest somebody today. "So, it all started with that banana peel that you dropped" The officer raised an eyebrow. Hunter coughed. "Ahem, see, I am somewhat an officer myself-" "Health and safety officer" "-yes, and I would never ever drop a banana peel maliciously." The officer checked his notes.

"Several witnesses claimed you just had an argument with the owner." "I was having a friendly discussion with Mr. Scherer regarding cutting costs and how I felt like he was neglecting the gym’s safety." "And this involved dropping a banana peel." "No, but instead of buying trash bags He designated a trash corner. Everyone just throws their garbage there and the poor cleaning crew has to deal with it." "And accidentally the flowerpot above Mr. Scherer dropped and as he dodged, he steppedon the banana peel. I want to add-" "-that you advised Mr. Scherer not to hang flowerpots on the ceiling for decoration." Hunter nodded. 

"And the reason, why that dog jumped from the chair onto the treadmill persons back, is, that an anvil dropped from the second floor?" "Oh yes. Mr. Scherer promised me he would use some extra sturdy glass as floor for the second floor, or the ceiling of this floor, if you want to put it that way." "Which he didn't" Hunter chuckled. Despite the ashes on his face, he was in a great mood. "Never would he dreamed, that those anvils, which he called weight for true men, would shatter the floor, if accidently dropped. He got them from an old blacksmith who retired and sold them discounted."

A cat knot. As the cat tries to escape from the mouse it bends and entangles itself. Almost as if it was made of rubber. A few moments later it unravels itself mid-air and runs around the chair. Another loop.

"Back to the topic. Officer, as Mr. Scherer slipped, the banana peel was flung against the cuckoo clock. Startled by this the feathered friend broke free and attacked various gym members. A cuckoo is such a health hazard. They have various diseases they carry and don't mention the hygiene... " The Officer shook his head. Tired he took another sip of his coffee. Who in his right mindwould put a living bird in a clock?

 A huge turtle dropped from the ceiling hole and crushing the mouse under its belly.Another animal. Was he at a gym or was this a visit to the zoo?  Another loop.

Water bursting out of the damaged wall. Hunter runs and grabs some tools. Fixing the hole with some planks. Miraculously it works. Despite his fast actions, the ground is floored with water. "Heating is very expensive. Also repairing the ventilation system costs too much, so instead Mr. Scherer opened the windows. To let some fresh air in he says.“ Hunter looked over the Officers shoulder. Right as the ground was freezing. The officer gave himself an inner facepalm. No heating and open Windows. In January. In Alaska...

A mousechasing cat slides on the ice and crashes into the mouse. Pretty angry themouse bites back. Oh, the turntables. Now the mouse chases the cat. 

Fast forward. The cat grabs the turtle, aims, and rolls it knock out the flat, but still conscious mouse.

Welcome to your first day at school. Here you will learn how to be proper gods to the planet assigned to you after your graduation. My name is Mr. Wibawa and I am the headmaster of this prestigious institution.

It really makes me proud to see the faces of the future deities. Every year it's exciting to see the next generation. And Dave. This school will help you develop a sense of responsibilty, teach you how to use your powers properly and of curse show you how to take care of your planet.

Most of you will graduate at the end of the year. You are gods after all. You are omiscient and omnipotent. Well, most of you. We will help you to develop some commomsense. Don't worry. For some it may take a bit longer, but our graduate who took the longest yet, did it after two years. That's perfectly fine.

Ahem, as you may be aware of the incident three years ago. I am obligated to remind you of Amemdment #5327. Many of you are still very young and eager to achieve great deeds and while I highly compliment this spirit, no one is allowed to seed lifeless planets with life. None of you are authorised or qualified for terraforming until your graduation. Especially not you, Dave. Just as a reminder. Not every planet is suitable for living creatures. It takes meticulous planning to prepare a planet. While lifeforms sure need to struggle a bit, so they remember to worship us, it is not reasonable to plant humans without any adjustment of their biology onto an ice planet. With no resources other than ice. That poor fella Gautama is working overtime to save the people. Many of you prefer to govern human or humanlike species as they are the easiest to plant. But remember those are really frail.

I also remind you of the edit of Amemdment #5327 that was added two years ago. Seeding lifeless planets with life is prohibited. This includes moons too. This is just a gentle reminder, that many species need oxygen. Which most moons don't provide. We had to evacuate a whole moon. This wrecked the 5 millenia plans many gods have had for their planets as the sudden overpopulation was more than their systems could handle. Also, if you seed life after your graduation, remember to give them space to move. It is not desireble to Cover every inch of a moon with sentient species, Dave.

Lastly I am sure you all are aware of the incident last year, which led to another adjustment of Amemdment #5327. No seeding any celestial object if you are not qualified yet. We all felt a great disturbance, as if billions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Seriously Dave, how did you and what possessed you to seed a star???