Ahhh, I miss the days when friends would come over to try on my clothes... Now I'm old, and while I have more/nicer clothes, I live too far from my closest friends for this to work.

Was it possibly the kindness that broke you? When my dad was dying his ex-girlfriend/caretaker kidnapped him, took him over state lines, forced him into a quickie marriage (he had dementia and said she threatened him), brought a disbarred attorney into his home to rewrite his will, and then gradually upped his meds until he died, months before he was supposed to. It was the most stressful thing in my entire life (including my near death). And everytime someone was kind to me, I lost it. With complete strangers sometimes. I was living in a world where I was having to watch my front, back, and sides (the ex's friends had warned me that harming me might be easier than fighting me) and surrounded by so much toxicity that the smallest bits of kindness left me undone. It sounds like you've been to hell and back these last months. So if it was the sandwich, that's a-ok. We've almost all been there and you've more than earned your moment. But I just wondered if maybe it was actually the kindness that got you. Either way, I'm glad things are looking up overall, now I hope you start having better days and can enjoy yourself again.

Especially with an open bar. We had one guest drink so much he wound up in the ER (he was fine, it was indigestion) and that was with hors d'oeuvres, full dinner, multiple desserts and cake.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry this is a struggle for you. If the universe was kinder it wouldn't make taking your necessary meds also the trigger for your substance abuse struggle.

I'm a long term prescription pain medication patient. At one point I was using a crazy amount a day, all as prescribed (Drs were just trying to keep me from losing my mind after ending up with 24/7 migraines following a stroke). I know how blessed I am that I was able to make the decision to reduce the meds and then do it without my brain and body chemistry working against me at every step. I'm sorry you don't have that luck. But I believe you can find an answer.

I do agree that your Dr needs to know. And I hope she can help you find an effective med that isn't such a siren call to you. GL <3