This might help or add to the confusion but sheds some light into the FDA's thought process on the matter:

https://www.fda.gov/regulatory-information/search-fda-guidance-documents/draft-guidance-industry-and-fda-staff-whole-grain-label-statements

Note:

Link is the opposite of ELI5

I do nutritional labeling...the FDA's(U.S.) stance on this(wheat) is merely a recommendation and does not decipher how the wheat was processed, just that it was used at some point during production.

Reading the ingredients/nutritional facts is the only way to determine "health."

It comes down to lack of regulation, lazy consumerism and nothing but a buzz word/phrase, the front of the package is to lure you, the back is to inform you.

Edit:

I own a printing company who's main focus is the printing. It is not my job to consult nor verify the proposed information on the label/packaging as this is the sole responsibility of the manufacturer.

What we will not do is veer from the nutritional facts and ingredients that have been approved in regards to the information on the back of the product.

The front is another animal and considered "free" space where all kinds of phrases can be used hence the recommendation comment. Essentially the "advertising" does not necessarily reflect the quality or amount you're receiving let alone health benefit claims to a certain extent. Claims like lowers cholesterol, heart attack risk, cancer are pretty much regulated but saying "daily dose of fiber, protein, whatever" is not. It just has to contain fiber or protein to fly because it's technically true.

It always amazes me what customers will request to make things appear healthier than they are.

Like u/stowgood alluded to, a dye-sub printer is absolutely the way to go here and in range budget wise...

Pros:

• Longer Warranties(some 5 years)
• Support
• Simple(hardware/software)
• Robust
• Repairable
• Faster
• Better Quality(color)
• Form Factor
• Tried and true(commercial/residential)
• Travel well
• Workhorses
• Withstand environmental changes
• Set it and forget it
• Low maintenance
• Straightforward(easy to compare models)

Cons:

• Limited features
• Limited page sizes(kind of)
• Limited media(kind of)
• One trick pony
• Upfront cost

You'll find them in labs, photo booths, kiosks, retail establishments etc. and made to take a beating. In a residential setting, should last a long time.

Just get one, it's your only option before making a very large investment or getting them printed by a 3rd party. They're basic and featureless which is what you want in a BIFL scenario(less crap to go wrong). No consumer grade inkjet or laser printer can touch them within your budget.

Great machines.

Ignore the Brother's, Selphys and Printoss's in this list(sort high to low and work down):

https://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/buy/Dye-Sub-Thermal-Printers/ci/1108