Number 7 was the only one I found actually funny and relevant to locals. And I live in Arlington

I feel like an actual onion headline would include VA-aligned DCrs secretly building a wall to keep Maryland out, and the two movements don't find out about each other until DC has been totally cut off from the rest of the country, in transit and utilities

The article ends with DC starting to descend into a Mad Max hellscape, with one commenter reporting that it's not like a split congress was going to get anything done anyway