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maun_jax t1_j2cww4b wrote

As a side topic, do people really still do the whole “ask for his blessing” thing? Seems awkward and uncomfortable to me. As a dad of two girls, if either of their partners approached me like this, I’d feel awkward, like it’s not really my business. My daughters happiness and consent is all that’s necessary here and I’m certainly not a gatekeeper on that. I’d probably be thrilled to get to know their partner better on a personal level if I knew there was a long term commitment but the whole “asking for blessing” part seems unnecessary to me. And for me, probably an activity like hiking or going to a ball game or something of that nature would be preferred. Just my two cents - good luck and congrats on your proposal!

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rotatingruhnama t1_j2ddseb wrote

My husband had a chat with my dad, which I knew about in advance and was fine with. Iirc it was just a quick thing while doing other stuff, not a formal lunch. If Dad had some sort of bizarre tantrum and said no, it's not like we would have called it off lol.

I never saw my dad as a "gatekeeper" and I'd been living on my own for about 15 years by that point.

It was just a nice gesture from my husband to my elderly dad. Less, "do I have your permission" (ick) and more, "I'd like your support in this marriage and to be welcomed into the family."

OP probably knows their girlfriend and this dad the best, and in this relationship and family it's considered a nice gesture.

If/when your daughters are ready for marriage I imagine they and their partners will talk about what traditions to keep and what to discard.

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yoyogogo111 t1_j2cxbsj wrote

100% agreed. I know men who have done this, and I know women who have been ok with it, but if my husband had done anything like this, we would not be married. OP, please make sure this is something your gf is ok with before doing it.

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rhnireland t1_j2d23xg wrote

Yep I agree. If my husband had felt the need to ask my father's permission before we got engaged I would have been really annoyed and may not have said yes.

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BreadDurst14 t1_j2dit7c wrote

This was nice to read. It’s one of those traditions that I’ve always found icky, personally, but everyone I’ve ever mentioned that to has disagreed.

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maun_jax t1_j2dkoc0 wrote

I’m surprised so many people disagree. It’s such a patriarchal tradition. There’s nothing equivalent or even similar involving the mothers or women.

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TaylorCurls t1_j2dzsv8 wrote

This. I notice all the people defending it completely miss the point.

Why not have the Mom AND Dad then? Or whoever your partner is closest too? (Grandma/ aunt etc) Why only dad? It’s such an incredibly outdated and patriarchal thing.

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Cool_Story_Bra t1_j2evunf wrote

I’ve heard of plenty of people asking the parents combined. And as someone else mentioned, asking for the blessing isn’t necessarily asking permission. It’s more like an FYI, and so they can lend support. And for most people it’s a formality for appeasing older parents who aren’t so progressive.

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crop_top t1_j2e065y wrote

My fiancé didn’t “ask” my dad, more so just called both of my parents to tell them he plans to propose and wants their support. He knew they’d be supportive but the gesture was much appreciated and not some weird, dated thing..

ETA: appreciated by my parents, I didn’t need such a call to happen.

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question_sunshine t1_j2fj807 wrote

My sister's boyfriend called my dad for his permission and my dad said "I don't know why don't you ask her?" Then he hung up, called my sister and ranted that the guy didn't respect her as an independent woman.

She did marry the guy. It lasted about six months before she realized my dad was right.

Every family and couple is different. It's best to know what the family and significant other will think of this in advance.

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crop_top t1_j2fjhsw wrote

Yeah the permission thing is weird and I wouldn’t have wanted him to ask. I like it was more so “I’m going to do this and I hope we have your support” but I don’t think their response would have changed anything.

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topher180 t1_j2ev0qu wrote

Great comment. It’s just common courtesy and a nice gesture. Not everything has to be cancelled for goodness sake.

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C0333 t1_j2def4e wrote

I did this as my partner’s family was very conservative religiously and she was nearly 20 years younger than me. I didn’t really care whether he gave me permission and she didn’t either but the upside was now whenever she has some kind of family issue with them I just tell them how it’s going to be and as “the head of my household” they accept it no issues. It’s like all their control freak shit backfired on them.

I would suggest Joes Stone Crab or the Palm.

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se_puede t1_j2e3ftm wrote

I can't wipe the cheshire cat smile off my face after reading that. Bravo.

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blissfully_chilling t1_j2dnssy wrote

I think the nature of how this conversation is framed shows a lot about people’s views on the relationship between a man and a woman in society. I ironically just had this type of conversation with my long term girlfriends dad - I asked him for his blessings and support, but I was never about to ask him for his direct permission. That’s way too patriarchal for me (and GF was completely on the same page). We did it over a pretty casual breakfast (this seems too fancy for me but just my .02) and I was more looking for any advice that he had as I respect him a lot and obviously, he’s been in this situation before so it was a learning opportunity for me too. I think phrasing it as permission is creepy and weird. I also think that if I didn’t have his support it wouldn’t have changed things but him giving his support made me feel more valued and more welcomed into their family which was important as we live on opposite sides of the country and do not see each other often at all.

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KT421 t1_j2dorqz wrote

My husband did and it pissed me off. It's so weird, like why would my dad's opinion matter? What would you do if he said no? Why even ask in the first place?

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yoyogogo111 t1_j2frw10 wrote

My feeling has always been that if I’m going to get engaged, then the number of people who know that before I do should be either 0 or 1. People here are talking about it being a “respect” thing to ask for the dad’s blessing (but don’t worry, not permission, just support!), but to me it seems hugely disrespectful to the proposee. I get that everyone is different and some people don’t mind it, or even prefer it - I just want to stress the importance of making sure someone is on the same page as their SO before doing this, because it is by no means guaranteed that that’s what someone wants.

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BellbergDC t1_j2deeh8 wrote

This generation a real lack of standard - Uncle Junior from the Sopranos.

In all seriousness, it’s a respect thing. Especially if the father and daughter have a healthy relationship.

The man is asking for blessing, not permission. Maybe it’s too traditional for some, but the male typically explains he plans for the future with the guys daughter and says it would mean a lot if he would be happy for the couple.

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rotatingruhnama t1_j2djv32 wrote

My husband basically framed it as, "Your daughter and I are in a serious relationship, we've been discussing marriage for a few months now, I'm planning on proposing soon and would appreciate your support as we move forward with our life together."

My dad appreciated the gesture, but we certainly weren't treating his approval as a requirement.

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No-Lunch4249 t1_j2dlp2h wrote

Strong emphasis on the relationship between them being an important aspect.

I had always planned to have that conversation but my now-wife and her father had a big argument and falling out where her father lost both her respect and mine. It would have been silly at that point for me to ask his blessing haha.

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BellbergDC t1_j2docdm wrote

Agreed, it’s not a one size fits all approach. Depending on the dynamic having the partners family on board makes things a lot easier for the couple.

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dynospectrum7 t1_j2drw5r wrote

South of the border. Down Mexico way….

Probably respect or cultural. But leave it to people to call other traditions icky or whatever.

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DinosaurKevin t1_j2e6xd9 wrote

I never felt the need before proposing, and after doing it, my fiancé asked if I asked her dad for his blessing. She was very relieved I didn’t, because we’d been together awhile and that wasn’t a tradition where my now FIL grew up. Hoping that OP actually has confirmation this will be expected or appreciated by his GF’s dad, because you can avoid spending money on an unnecessary and potentially awkward lunch.

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