whaletacochamp t1_jblz117 wrote on March 10, 2023 at 12:07 AM

Reply to comment by thisoneisnotasbad in Recommend any Marriage Counsellors in the UV? by [deleted]

Sounds like you have some personal issues around marriage that you need to unpack….or maybe are starting to unpack here?

futurecharacter3041 t1_jbvcchu wrote on March 12, 2023 at 12:25 AM

Is this what gaslighting looks like?

thisoneisnotasbad t1_jblzt07 wrote on March 10, 2023 at 12:12 AM

Not at all. I think the idea that a third party needs to facilitate a good relationship means it is not a good relationship. I think a lot of people rush into marriage as an institution due to social pressure and I think that if more people would focus on finding someone who is more compatible as a human being rather that someone with the same short term goals (ie marriage as a goal) the divorce rate would go down and people would generally have longer more fulfilling lives and relationships.

How many people do you know who see marriage as a goal rather than finding true love as a goal.

Impossible_Bonus_746 t1_jbmatuk wrote on March 10, 2023 at 1:35 AM

The biggest indicator that a healthy relationship will last is how willing each person is to work on it together (and (not or) possibly on themselves alone). If you expect a healthy long term relationship to just happen you’re going to be disappointed. It’s like walking into a gym and expecting the swole to just happen. It takes intention and effort.

whaletacochamp t1_jbo4n56 wrote on March 10, 2023 at 1:15 PM

This is the single most important thing anyone can understand about any relationship

Sudden_Dragonfly2638 t1_jbmz9x1 wrote on March 10, 2023 at 4:58 AM

I've gotta be honest, your take seems incredibly naive. I don't think you find true love at all. I think true deep meaningful love is built and earned and communicated. Two people have to endeavor together to create it. Sometimes a therapist can help someone who never learned how to do that, especially if they never got to see a healthy working relationship in their life.

thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbnqp9j wrote on March 10, 2023 at 10:43 AM

I think you are incredibly unfortunate. Your take will leave you with a good enough relationship your whole life and you will never get that feeling that the person you go to bed next to at night is the right person for you. There will always be a seed of doubt.

With that said I never said relationships are not a lot of work. I said if you need a third party to mediate the chances are the core differences between you and your partner will always be there. They may be simple things like how affection is expressed or received. They may be things like pet peeves that lead to resentment or they maybe big things like lingering issues of past abuse or negligence.

The need for a marriage counselor points out to a lack of ability to communicate on a basic level. The lack of one person or both to be able to express their concerns and be heard by the other.

Again, do you want to go through life with good enough? There are billions of people out there in the world. Don’t you think there is one who can hear you without needing a mediator.

Sudden_Dragonfly2638 t1_jbror6f wrote on March 11, 2023 at 4:34 AM

That comes off as even more naive. Communication is a learned skill. Some people are never taught to communicate properly in a relationship or have poor examples to learn from. Needing a couples counselor to help facilitate that communication and learn how to do it effectively doesn't negate their love and can often strengthen it.

To your question: I'm going to go through life with the woman I love who lights up my day and I can't imagine being without. I am not going to presume it'll be a smooth ride forever. That just reeks of arrogance.

thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbsons7 wrote on March 11, 2023 at 12:12 PM

Your response sounds even more unfortunate. Again, nobody ever said it will be a smooth ride forever. You continue to pretend I said that for some reason. It is rather strange you feel the need to do so.

I said, if you need a 3rd party to facilitate communication your partner is not and never will be compatible enough for a long term relationship that is not based, to at least some degree, on settling.

Since you are still going to find this woman I assume you are young and haven’t yet. I assure you, you won’t need to pay someone to assist you in communicating with that person when you find her. If you do, 1/2 those days will be wondering if you settled out of fear of being alone.

Your whole post reeks of justification.