thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbly9jq wrote
Kinda off topic and I apologize.
I never understood people who run into marriage. I’ve known women who married a resume then the husbands are surprised they sleep around and women who married their mentor figure and wonder why they feel like someone is alway telling them what to do.
If you are in a marriage and you and your partner can’t communicate without a third party well enough to work shit out, that person may not be an ideal life partner. Do you really want to go through your adult life with a good enough person. You deserve better. If you haven’t found that person keep looking and if you can never find that person, the problem was probably you to start with.
Life is too short to waste any of it on bad relationships.
With that said, sorry you are having a shitty time, I don’t know any therapists in the UV, but I wish you the best of luck.
Unique-Public-8594 t1_jbm177n wrote
No harm trying to learn new communication skills before giving up though. Geez.
thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbm2bt0 wrote
I see your point, just disagree I guess. 38% of folks who see a marriage counselor are divorced in 4 years so the success rate is better than 50%, if you goal is to avoid divorce. There are no readily available stats about how many people are happier after. I think the need for a marriage counselor shows the person in not right for you and I think everyone deserves someone who is a match for them rather that just “we can make it work”.
whaletacochamp t1_jblz117 wrote
Sounds like you have some personal issues around marriage that you need to unpack….or maybe are starting to unpack here?
futurecharacter3041 t1_jbvcchu wrote
Is this what gaslighting looks like?
thisoneisnotasbad t1_jblzt07 wrote
Not at all. I think the idea that a third party needs to facilitate a good relationship means it is not a good relationship. I think a lot of people rush into marriage as an institution due to social pressure and I think that if more people would focus on finding someone who is more compatible as a human being rather that someone with the same short term goals (ie marriage as a goal) the divorce rate would go down and people would generally have longer more fulfilling lives and relationships.
How many people do you know who see marriage as a goal rather than finding true love as a goal.
Impossible_Bonus_746 t1_jbmatuk wrote
The biggest indicator that a healthy relationship will last is how willing each person is to work on it together (and (not or) possibly on themselves alone). If you expect a healthy long term relationship to just happen you’re going to be disappointed. It’s like walking into a gym and expecting the swole to just happen. It takes intention and effort.
whaletacochamp t1_jbo4n56 wrote
This is the single most important thing anyone can understand about any relationship
Sudden_Dragonfly2638 t1_jbmz9x1 wrote
I've gotta be honest, your take seems incredibly naive. I don't think you find true love at all. I think true deep meaningful love is built and earned and communicated. Two people have to endeavor together to create it. Sometimes a therapist can help someone who never learned how to do that, especially if they never got to see a healthy working relationship in their life.
thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbnqp9j wrote
I think you are incredibly unfortunate. Your take will leave you with a good enough relationship your whole life and you will never get that feeling that the person you go to bed next to at night is the right person for you. There will always be a seed of doubt.
With that said I never said relationships are not a lot of work. I said if you need a third party to mediate the chances are the core differences between you and your partner will always be there. They may be simple things like how affection is expressed or received. They may be things like pet peeves that lead to resentment or they maybe big things like lingering issues of past abuse or negligence.
The need for a marriage counselor points out to a lack of ability to communicate on a basic level. The lack of one person or both to be able to express their concerns and be heard by the other.
Again, do you want to go through life with good enough? There are billions of people out there in the world. Don’t you think there is one who can hear you without needing a mediator.
Sudden_Dragonfly2638 t1_jbror6f wrote
That comes off as even more naive. Communication is a learned skill. Some people are never taught to communicate properly in a relationship or have poor examples to learn from. Needing a couples counselor to help facilitate that communication and learn how to do it effectively doesn't negate their love and can often strengthen it.
To your question: I'm going to go through life with the woman I love who lights up my day and I can't imagine being without. I am not going to presume it'll be a smooth ride forever. That just reeks of arrogance.
thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbsons7 wrote
Your response sounds even more unfortunate. Again, nobody ever said it will be a smooth ride forever. You continue to pretend I said that for some reason. It is rather strange you feel the need to do so.
I said, if you need a 3rd party to facilitate communication your partner is not and never will be compatible enough for a long term relationship that is not based, to at least some degree, on settling.
Since you are still going to find this woman I assume you are young and haven’t yet. I assure you, you won’t need to pay someone to assist you in communicating with that person when you find her. If you do, 1/2 those days will be wondering if you settled out of fear of being alone.
Your whole post reeks of justification.
KatJen76 t1_jbmb852 wrote
I see your general point, but as we have no idea what's going on with OP, I don't feel this was the place to make it.
futurecharacter3041 t1_jbnsrki wrote
That self-awareness gets me quite often.
IMO, it would all depend on the specific practitioner. Could be a fun thing almost like dancing lessons.
If I were to get into a relationship I’d probably want to have a some kind of sounding board that isn’t this place to give me reality checks or maybe just a personal trainer..
thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbr5jet wrote
> If I were to get into a relationship I’d probably want to have a some kind of sounding board that isn’t this place to give me reality checks or maybe just a personal trainer..
Don’t you have friends you hang out with and talk to about stuff that this?
futurecharacter3041 t1_jbr84we wrote
Thanks for the follow up question friend. YMMV
thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbsorvg wrote
You’re welcome, it’s a valid question as your immediate response went to paying someone for input because you didn’t want to bounce stuff off Reddit. Seems you were missing the whole “real life friendship” part so wanted to make sure.
futurecharacter3041 t1_jbv9qh4 wrote
Good day! Wising you the most excellent. Just remember there was advice on meta to lubricate automobile brakes for increased horsepower. From the after photos, it appeared greasing up the brakes resulted in a motor vehicle accident after a chicane for the individual involved.
YMMV-Your Mileage May Vary was a cheeky 🙃way of saying that people and relationships are highly variable I would be careful who you tell your problems to and even more careful who’s input you consider given the human condition.
I said what I said because I’ve met some dynamic people along the way who happen to be community support workers and valued their intelligence, authenticity, approach to life, relationships, and conflict - and willingness to share. I support people like that.
In fact I might feel stupid believing anything or listening to free advice from [comment with your favourite characterization of Reddit for good karma]
thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbv9zb6 wrote
> In fact I might feel stupid believing anything or listening to free advice from [comment with your favourite characterization of Reddit for good karma]
In this case we can totally agree. This is a website for entertainment purposes only. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
thisoneisnotasbad t1_jbntfty wrote
That is a fair critique. I disagree, obviously, but I do understand your point of view.
[deleted] OP t1_jbmzsra wrote
[deleted]
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