Technically this didn't happen today, this happened over the span of the last three months. But hey, today was the day where it all culminated in a glorious finale.

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A few basics first; I am a college freshman who just moved out of his parents' home to start my academic demise in a different city. The last few years I've been a general fuck-up, so I guess at least my family is happy that I'm doing something partly useful now - until they remember that I am majoring in writing. So instead of recalibrating my old room into a fitness heaven like my dad always dreamt of, my mom already prepares for the day when I graduate and come back home unemployed. Or the day when I drop out. Whichever comes first; the bets are on and the odds are still 50/50.

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Anyway, starting college and it didn't take a week until I immediately crushed on this girl in one of my classes. Yeah, I'm that kinda guy. Mind you that I'm not necessarily a creep (I hope?), I'm usually a huge introvert who just keeps to himself and avoids others, so when during one of our introduction days I got paired up with this girl for an assignment and we started becoming immediate friends it somehow happened.

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Fast forward two months and we hung out more and more. Then, that one faithful night, we drank too much bud light, blurry got our sight; and when the Uber we alight, she invites me to her might, and me, - still high as a kite - went in with all smite, kissed and held her so tight! She turned off the light, it all felt so right; but the hours went down in a flight, and suddenly it crossed my mind: I just couldn't come in her clit (pls try to read the last one so it rhymes, I just couldn't figure out a good ending for the chain). In other words, even when going down on her for almost a fucking hour, neither of us could finish.

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"Okay," we thought, "maybe it's because we were absolutely hammered that night", and we tried again four more times over the coming week - but to no avail, the stiff dowsing rod simply couldn't find any water. It was my first time ever, so I had no clue what was going on. And usually I have no issues with that, when I'm on my own you couldn't even tell the difference between me going for a pee or wank as it literally takes the exact same time.

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So the whole situation got a toll on us; but especially on her, because she simply feels like I don't like her and don't want to sleep with her. As she said, something like this "never happened before". So we kinda immediately stopped seeing each other, which completely dragged me down. And while looking for reasons or possible solutions, one thing led to another, and I suddenly found myself completely out of place in a doctor's waiting room full of guys aged 50 to infinity, all with the purpose to talk about some random dude about the malfunctioning joke dangling between their legs.

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After this consultation session, it was determined that my problems are likely connected to anxiety and/or performance anxiety. But the doc wasn't specialized in that (or rather he didn't wanna waste time dealing with it); thus, the next step was for me to go an actual therapist and try to get things straight (and stiff).

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I have had 5 sessions so far and OH BOY, it went from "let's get your cock working again to please some ladies" to "let's fix your underlying mental issues so you can avoid your ultimate social demise". 5 sessions with the therapist, and it became clear that not just my cock isn't working, but my entire brain isn't. I talked about wayy more than I anticipated, and today, just as my 6th session started, my therapist shared his first verdict with me: Congratulations, it's a depression! (Likely bipolar disorder, for anyone interested). And I immediately got hooked on the line for some anti-depressants (not the heavy hitters tho), which I thought was overkill - but hey, I'm not the specialist. I just took my first pills and nothing's happening so far (which is expected), but I am now contemplating a lot about my mental and social health.

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Idk, I kinda never thought I had anything like that. And I never thought that talking to a specialist can change you so much (tbh, for the better!!). It has been only a few hours, but I already look back at so many things from my (young) life until now and see everything differently. I'll probably take some time to reflect, and this post is the first step for me to do so.

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To everyone who thinks there is something going on mentally with them: I know it's often difficult, but talking with someone does help. Like many many other people, I never thought I had anyone to talk to about my mental health, and I never actually wanted to talk about it. I only got "tricked" to talk about it because of some phallic malfunctioning. Without this, I would have never thought about seeing a therapist. Even if you think "everyone has problems like these": That's simply not true, as soon as you see a therapist you begin to understand that the baggage you carry culminated over many years and is entirely unique to you. Getting help indeed helps.

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And if someone is curious, I haven't slept with anyone since I started the therapy, so idk if it got better already. And no, I haven't told my crush about all this as we rarely speak these days.

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TL;DR: Could not come during my first time, now got diagnosed with depression