tifu by ruining the relationship with my best friend with sex

Submitted by forever-lost435 t3_10pk7p1 in tifu

so this has been going on for a month, and i have no one to talk to about this besides him. my best friend is a guy and we talk about everything together and every day i am excited to either talk with him or just hang out. if something funny happens at home or i find a meme online, hes the first person I tell about it. he had a girlfriend for about a year and i always thought they were really cute together. sometimes the three of us would hang out and i would joke that they're like my parents and im their adopted child.

recently he had been venting to me about their arguments, which started out like petty stuff like when he didnt text back right away while he was at work, or when he mixed up takeout orders. they were rly dumb arguments but they started happening more and more.

cut to like 2 months ago, she breaks up with him out of the blue, and he is a wreck. i dont drive yet but i was trying to cheer him up and sent him cat videos and memes just to at least be a distraction. one day he mentioned he was dropping off furniture to his aunt who actually lives like 2 blocks from me so i say hey come pick me up let's go out for food or something. i didnt mean like as a date or anything cuz we've hung out before plenty of times.

anyways the vibe was off the whole time and i told him it's ok to not feel like he has to entertain me. he picked me up from my home and we went to get pho and boba tea but the place was crowded so we were eating at his place. we were watching netflix while we ate and soon after his mom left to go to work so we were home alone.

when we were done eating, we had been watching for a bit and i noticed he just was like barely paying attention so i did something iv never done and super regret it, i moved closer to him and cuddled with him. idk why i did it and i really just wanted to make him feel better. so we sat there cuddling and i feel his hand moving down my back. the next part we started kissing and then it turned to stuff iv never done before, and that's definitely not how i ever imaged it would go and i regret it really.

he took me home and kissed me in the car when we got to my place. i kissed him back and went inside and after i was inside I just felt really weird about it. there it happened two more times, i will skip details cuz its not about that.

over this past month our conversations aren't as fun as they used to be but im afraid if say anything ill lose the closest friend I have. also im worried for him because i don't want to abandon him. i feel like i started this and i have no idea what to do next. anyways i just wanted to vent, thank u for coming to my ted talk .

TL:DR i cuddled with my best friend after his breakup which led to sex eventually, and now our friendship kind of sucks and im too dumb to talk to him about it

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MSGRiley t1_j6kxkh1 wrote

If you like him, really like him that way, just tell him "hey, let's date, exclusively, girlfriend boyfriend, I want to, I like you."

If you don't, then give him a lot of space because he probably wants to date you. Just saying.

If you're not sure, ask.

Your situation is already bad, better for it to get better, or worse and get it over with instead of making it stay where it is.

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chaos021 t1_j6kz19j wrote

This. Staying in the gray right now is not where y'all need to be.

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forever-lost435 OP t1_j6lyc5v wrote

yeah that makes sense ty

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cannibitches t1_j6mcm3x wrote

Something new just hit your friendship. You need to communicate at the very least. Your primary concern from what you said is that you'll lose him. Talk to him about that. Be straightforward. He's probably thinking the same thing you are.

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tallerthanu17 t1_j6mz9l9 wrote

Are we not concerned at all about the clear rebound? OP is going to come across as a home wrecker or a rebound, and neither one is a solid start for a relationship.

I’m not saying it won’t work, but it’s something they will need to work through and be aware of

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MSGRiley t1_j6n0zi7 wrote

You can come up with an infinite list of reasons not to get into a relationship with someone you care about and want to be with. Then you're 50 and alone and no one is calling you asking for a date.

When I was younger I had all these rules and considerations in my head and I'm glad I didn't let that keep me from taking a chance on a totally screwed up situation that turned out to be the love of my life.

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Korgon213 t1_j6l22p8 wrote

Talk to him, then report back in 10 years after you’ve gotten married and had a few kids and are happy you married your best friend.

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[deleted] t1_j6lkgrr wrote

[deleted]

−38

MaximumSpinach t1_j6lx2bo wrote

This many downvotes suggest to me, the reddit boys here really believe these bad roms coms where THE GUY was here all along.

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Sinelas t1_j6m3n9o wrote

Because statistically, two thirds of romantic relationships start as long-term friendship.

Source : https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/19485506211026992

Of course everyone has a different story, but this many downvotes just show that acting like his own story is how it works for everyone is a mistake.

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yumirow t1_j6mknfl wrote

I'm sorry but there's no mention of long term. Meeting people through friends is very efficient, but I would argue that the more long term, the more display of affection are just emotional dump on the other person, and not interest.

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dusty_boots t1_j6l4u4a wrote

I think the best thing you can do is be honest and open about your feelings. Speaking personally, If I were this guy and I cared for you as much as it sounds like he does, I’d want to make sure we’re on the same page. Tell him how much you value your friendship and how despite the fact that you don’t really know how to sort your feelings out regarding this new development you definitely want to work things through.

The hardest part of talking about this kind of stuff is usually just starting to talk about it. I usually build it up in my head to be a great big scary thing, but it’s just a real conversation between two friends about their emotions. No matter what, you’ll be fine. You got this.

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amplify06 t1_j6lf217 wrote

Conversation feels weird because you're both avoiding talking about it. You should bring it up, especially if you've enjoyed the intimacy. It could be the beginning of your best relationship ever.

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TommyTuttle t1_j6lh9nr wrote

Um… ok your best friend is a guy and you’ve just found out there’s sexual chemistry. Your next step is obvious, no? I mean, that’s the kind of thing that results in really good lasting marriages right there. I’m pretty sure the fact that you don’t know what to do next is the main reason he’s confused.

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forever-lost435 OP t1_j6m9ooi wrote

lol im not getting married anytime soon. but yeah after i figure out dumb emotions, i will need to get the difficult conversation done and over with

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Data_lord t1_j6n9hpb wrote

Try to think of it as a good conversation. You two both just found out your best friend is sexually attracted attracted to you. Happy days! Talk like you normally do, but finish it with sex. What's not to like?!

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warlock415 t1_j6odk9c wrote

My advice is don't let it sit too long. It's valid to say "I'm having emotions over this and I'm still figuring myself out." and it's much better than waiting too long to have the difficult conversation.

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aoechamp t1_j6m79b6 wrote

Yeah, the obvious next step is to post on Reddit and act really naively.

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boomtown405 t1_j6l7ngh wrote

Try to talk to them before it’s too late. I lost a really close friend of 15 years recently because of things getting weird after pursuing something romantically and it broke my heart. If you feel like the balls in your court reach out!

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No_Love_1353 t1_j6lqelv wrote

It’s the “I don’t drive yet” part that worries me. You guys are kids, aren’t you?

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KN_Knoxxius t1_j6lv1th wrote

The lack of structure in the post didn't give it away huh?

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regalAugur t1_j6mq4hn wrote

they obviously are but if you live in an area with decent transit you don't really need to drive. i'm 25 and don't have my license because i can walk everywhere i want to go

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RebelLemurs t1_j6lw43s wrote

Whether or not a romantic relationship with him is in your future, make sure that paragraphs are.

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4_Legged_Duck t1_j6l98i2 wrote

In addition to all this advice, explore what you're feeling. We often lack the emotional language to understand and name what we're feeling when we first feel it. Why are conversations and time spent together different? Sometimes dating can move into a "comfort" stage where things are and they're safe and warm and not goofy or silly and it can be really jarring or alien.

He may be feeling as awkward as you are. Talk it out and take it step by step.

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cowboysfan68 t1_j6lak6s wrote

I agree with everyone else here who has been saying to explore your feelings and be honest with your friend.

One thing I would add here is that your friend is probably grieving and your friend must go through the grieving process to heal from the loss of his long-term relationship. How long it takes him to grieve is anybody's guess, but that will most certainly affect any new relationship. Allow him to grieve and give him that space to do it. If you two do pursue a relationship, it will be much better off when he is over his old relationship.

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keeperkairos t1_j6lkl9f wrote

Was he being pushy about it or no? You say you felt weird about it but did you express that in anyway at the time? This is important because it tells us if he is being a bit manipulative. If nothing like that was going on, it’s probably just a bit awkward between you atm. Also there is no reason you can’t date this guy. This whole ‘don’t date a friend’ mindset is nonsense. A lot of life long relationships start as good friends.

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forever-lost435 OP t1_j6lt6dt wrote

no he wasnt at all. i think im just putting all the pressure on myself idk why i'm like this lol

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keeperkairos t1_j6m5umv wrote

Like you said, you have never done stuff like this before. You are understandably just a bit emotionally overwhelmed.

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fredsam25 t1_j6mdnsa wrote

He's on the rebound. Do you really want to be his rebound fling? If you don't want to eventually marry him, then knock it off and tell him that can't happen again.

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P41N4U t1_j6lbdxq wrote

Looks like you are a potentially great couple but you guys are too insecure about "ruining" the friendship.

It seems he like you and you like him, you are best friends which is something great as you usually want your couple to be a "best friend" who you can talk anything and trust.

This can go many ways. Imo you should consider you feelings, and be honest with him and yourself.

So... start dating! Good luck

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lunelily t1_j6lser0 wrote

You’re not too dumb to talk to him, you’re too scared to talk to him. Grow some guts and do it. You’ll be glad you did. Anything will be better than this cloudy, anxiety-filled tension.

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Getdeded t1_j6mf2am wrote

Having been here multiple times as a dude I almost guarantee you he’s nervous he’ll say/do something dumb now because he wants to date you and doesn’t want to lose you. After a while he’ll return to normal. I’d give him a chance

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ShiftlessGuardian94 t1_j6lm5j4 wrote

Just Talk to each other about what you want! A good relationship has three key components for the base: 1. Trust and Respect- this one is earned, it’s a two way street. 2. Communication- Talk to each other AND LISTEN! 3. Honesty- This building block will be the key to the first one! Just remember this and all will be well.

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The_Earnest_Crow t1_j6m2weq wrote

It's only as werid as you make it. I've slept with a few of my close friends and years later we're all still friends.

I think open and honest communication is best.. For sure write down what you want to say before you say it. You sound young and there's a good possibility of miscommunication.

You also mentioned that it's the first time doing that. Part of the weridness could be that you rushed in without fully knowing your feelings for him. Take a night and think about it. When you picture the two of you together hanging out going to a movie or laughing at random dumb stuff, are you happy? Do you feel a dumb grin across your face thinking about him? Do you feel the warmth in you? If not then you can always just talk about it and try to stay friends.

It might be smart to not wait too long though, incase the ex comes back, that'll be a bit of heart break and confusion.

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Spring_Assembly t1_j6maopz wrote

Yeah that's not easy. Talk about what you both really want and be honest. I have friends that I had sex with before, and could still be close to afterwards, but it only really works if you both exactly want the same. If there's feelings from either side that are unanswered then it's not a good friendship.

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kmhekd t1_j6mm720 wrote

I had this happen when I was younger. We had grown up together, been friends since we were kids. He didn't want to get serious with me, but would others. It ended up making me a little crazy, while we never did while he was actively dating, he would still call me. It messed with my head a lot. I would look deep down and see if this is something you would both want to pursue and go through with, or decide if you want to try to stop it now and potentially stay as friends. It's hard when you get into this place. He clearly enjoys your company and you so maybe his answer will surprise you.

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[deleted] t1_j6mz7zh wrote

You need to talk to him. Give him your feelings and that you never want to loose him. Be honest

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REDmonster333 t1_j6lneod wrote

Im sorry but its gonna be reaaally hard to stay friends again. The weirdness is there, the awkwardness, no matter how much you both talk etc. If you guys end up together nice, but there will come a time you guys would break up.

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DorianGuey t1_j6m4tk1 wrote

OP, he may also feel the same way: awkward and regretful. Talk to him and figure it out.

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Saugeen-Uwo t1_j6m5msa wrote

You guys are HS kids. You almost certainly won't end up together or friends post college anyways. Just talk it out

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theycallme_JT_ t1_j6mh9jy wrote

That's not true. Know several people still with their highschool significant other. All are happy, successful, and have beautiful families. And that's just in my own friend group.

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Polybutadiene t1_j6n0fvx wrote

its certainly abnormal. that said, i have a coworker that married his middle school girlfriend and hes in his mid 40’s now.

honestly its wild talkin to him. it’s like he lives in a different universe from the rest of us. it’s like being emotionally wealthy and never knowing what its like to not be set emotionally.

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tyreka13 t1_j6nha36 wrote

I started going out with my husband when we were 15 (me) and 14 (him). About to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary soon :) It just depends on the couple.

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wouterv101 t1_j6m9twr wrote

Sounds like a <18 story with a whole lot of emotions and easy fixes

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evonebo t1_j6mltnl wrote

I am guessing you guys are probably 16 to 18 based on living at home and not much communication.

Should just have a conversation with him about how you feel.

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Ipride362 t1_j6mp73z wrote

What you’re experiencing is love unconnected to sex. The Greeks called it PHILLIA, or friendship love.

You’re confused as it has now added an EROS element of sexual passion. Modern Western society has a habit of combining PHILLIA and EROS into one, as a habit of smoothing the path to long term relationship where both are necessary for success.

You both need time off to figure out whether EROS erotic love is something you want to share or walk it back. This takes time to think about.

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TsuZaki969 t1_j6npfc3 wrote

I actually wrote like 2 paragraphs about openly talking about the situation with him and being direct without sugar coating it. Which I still believe is the correct decision.

But as a person who's rebounded and has been a rebound. There's nothing wrong with that and the stigma placed on it isn't really true half the time. If you're in a shitty relationship and it ends why wouldn't you want to go next. Some people decide to live single for a bit, I did that after one relationship. Some people already see a failing relationship but aren't driven enough to end it till the other person does, at this point both parties are looking for the next.

She didn't break up with him out of the blue. Dumb arguments etc are signs of a failing relationship. Sure they happen in all relationships, but if you're venting about them rather than joking; I feel like it's on a dead course. If you're worried about being a rebound, you're correct in thinking that. But you've made your move, regardless if you're happy with it or not. You like the guy. Just have an open conversation about how you liked the person he was and not who he is now. Straight up ask why he is like that. Remember that you were his pseudo-therapist and now he can't say things about you to you.

Rebounding doesn't automatically mean a doomed relationship.

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M4DM1ND t1_j6nxr44 wrote

I am a guy with a female best friend as well. I've known her since college and she is the the I go to talk to after my wife, who she also has a great friendship with. Unfortunately, I don't think what you guys did was an accident. If both of you were willing to go through with this, there were underlying feelings on both sides. I love my best friend second only to my wife but I would never do anything sexual with her. I know she feels the same way. You should pursue a relationship with your friend and if that doesn't work out, that's life.

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ziplin19 t1_j6o1819 wrote

If you do not learn to communicate, you end up being alone

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Sea_Calligrapher_986 t1_j6o3482 wrote

He's on the rebound so have to becareful I have seen this happen where either they truly liked the friend or they were close so it helped heal their broken heart but then broke the friends heart.

Either way whatever you want a talk needs to be had so you don't lose a friend.

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kyle_bautista t1_j6o39kl wrote

a true story on tifu involving sex for once ?? I didn’t think I’d see the day

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Christpopher1244 t1_j6o6kht wrote

"I'm too dumb to talk to him about it" says it all, friend. Talk to him!

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PaysOutAllNight t1_j6ooomt wrote

Go for it, or tell him "we tried FWB, I really enjoyed it but would rather be friends like before".

You were both exploring. You can't figure out what the other person found without talking about it. Close friends talk things over. Time to get to it.

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Fingerlessman13x t1_j6pbfju wrote

the couch is already on fire if u want to save it. you'll have to decide if u want to be in a relationship with him, couse he obviously do.

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