> I don't want to be a man like this.

Hate to break it to you, but an individual is defined by their actions - you are a man like this. But you're young, and there's plenty of time to change. Stop hiding, from yourself and others; come to terms with your decisions, admit to them, and accept the consequences (and no, the consequences won't be fun). And if you're sincere about your desire to change, keep that in mind next time you feel the impulse to flirt while already committed.