Measure your face with the croissant.

Croissants would be an excellent new unit of measurement

It will look like they're trying to telepathically connect with the croissant

I read the TLDR and I'm confused

Have you considered measuring tape and therapy?

I read the whole thing and I'm still confused.

when your mom comes down to the kitchen in the morning, place the croissant on your face but when she looks at your funny, put it against your ear like you are on the phone.. then walk away while talking into the croissant