My daughter sounds verrrrrry similar and it took until she was 8 to be diagnosed. First it was misdiagnosed as OCD and anxiety, then settled on autism, ADHD and anxiety. A lot of the ocd and anxiety behaviours fall under the autism umbrella. ODD is so common with ADHD and it's tough as hell to deal with, the kids are hardest on parents. Even with the diagnosis it took a long time to get to a manageable level with the right meds and behaviour management, it felt like nothing in our home was safe from her and every day we were walking on eggshells. We're at a great place now but it could be a changing situation as she gets older and hormones factor in.

The whole thing is a process that even the professionals screw up, so don't beat yourself up for missing things. My kids grew up in an "ideal family environment" and genetics are just a crapshoot. A lot of the typical symptoms for mental issues are based on the behaviours of boys, and since girls often present differently they get dismissed. It's hard, especially doing all this yourself with other small kids. If you have other family help, lean on them if you can. Give yourself what breaks you can, and know that you are doing your best. It feels so overwhelming now but you'll get to the other side of this eventually.