TIFU by not being there for my girlfriend when she had a miscarriage

Submitted by Own-Middle3948 t3_zxuss6 in tifu

Before you think of me as a monster I need to explain. About 2 months back my girlfriend(18f) and I(19M) were very sexually active. We used protection and never had a problem before. She started feeling off and having starting symptoms of a pregnancy but we shrugged it off as something else because she had just had her period. Well a couple weeks later she has major bleeding spontaneously and has a gut wrenching feeling that she had a miscarriage. I was unsure at first due to reasons above but she wanted to go to a gynecologist to be certain and I obviously supported her doing that. A week later she went in for her appointment and was told she had a miscarriage. At this time I was struggling immensely with my mental health(depression, anxiety, possible ADHD) and my grades in college were slipping. I tried to support her and be there for her but I was so wrapped up in my shit that I didn’t see how bad she was struggling. I decided that I wanted to see a therapist and take some time to figure out what I needed to do mentally for myself and that’s really where I fucked up. We ended up trying to go on a break because neither of us felt we could support each other mentally and emotionally. It was a really shitty idea because she went through that and got support from other people and not from the person she needed it from the most. She was still supporting me and checking on me even though I didn’t do the same and I told myself that I couldn’t help her but now I feel like I should’ve put my things aside to be there for her. We are now about two months later grasping for straws at our relationship. She resents me and doesn’t think she will ever be able to forgive me and I just wish I could go back and change things or do something now to fix this. I feel like she’s about to decide she can’t be with me anymore and it scares me because I love her and I am scared what will happen if I don’t have her in my life. I want everything with her: kids, house, marriage. The whole 9 yards and she does or did want the same thing. How can I fix this if she can never forgive me?

TL;DR I wasn’t mentally stable to help my girlfriend through a miscarriage and it has ruined our relationship. I want to go back to fix it but I can’t.

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criminnn t1_j22f4ex wrote

You both were struggling at the same time, and while she always took the initiative to reach out to you first and see how you were doing all while carrying the pain of losing her child - you couldn’t do the same once in a while? Sent her a quick text, or a quick phone call to make sure she knew you were there for her?

At the same time, I understand that you had your own demons to deal with. I do believe you could have communicated with her at some point and let her know you needed time though. At this point, communication is key (always will be in any situation). Sit her down and talk to her.

Overall, shit happens.

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0INK_OG t1_j239a2l wrote

You both took a break, so why blame yourself for what she thinks of you?

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v-sys t1_j23c04f wrote

Since she respects your decision to have self-care and since she also took time to support herself, it would be helpful to ask her about her own thoughts by using most of what you said in the post.

We're internet strangers looking in on just a few details of your relationship. You're asking about what her thoughts and feelings are, not what we think hers are. It can be difficult to face emotionally, but asking her yourself is the option that would help the most right now if looking through a practical lens.

She likely will tell you what her actions already showed - she'll be supportive about you trying to patch any rough spots in the relationship and she'll still be open to supporting your break.

And if she does have any grievances to vent out to you, having this direct way to tell you can help her to feel comfortable.

Another important thing would be to tell her your own feelings about wanting to support her more and feeling off about how others had been mentally well enough to support her while you worked on yourself.

It's understandable to get second-opinions from the internet since it's an anonymous way to vent out. Though, some wording in the post seems like you're convinced you're a monster despite the first sentence denying it. Having a wealth of guilt is a common trait for anxiety, depression, and ADHD.

What's done is done. Don't take the judgment of internet strangers too personal when your relationship is all about you and your lover. If you're already looking for ways to ease her troubles, then you've already taken the first step. Good luck.

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Cute_Unit_3157 t1_j25i6tl wrote

You had a moment. You picked your poison. You can’t change that. You need to understand that… and she needs to accept that.

If you guys want to be together, then try it.

Tell her, and explain it. You screwed up big time.

If it were me I’d ask if you guys could at least take everything step by step and day by day. And, if I’m the end she can’t forgive you then it’s best you two separate. Neither of you need to be miserable at such a young age.

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Ocean_Spice t1_j28se2m wrote

>How can I fix this if she can never forgive me?

I’ve unfortunately been in a similar position as she’s in. It’s not about forgiving you. She maybe has forgiven you. But you proved she can’t trust you, you won’t be there for her if and when she needs you. And if you can’t trust someone, you don’t have a future with them.

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ThrowAwayDawns t1_j28xcnk wrote

From my past experience, it sounds like she found someone else and is just trying to find an excuse out of the relationship. She's shifting blame onto you as the cause so she doesn't need to feel guilty about ending the relationship and live with being the asshole that ended the relationship without a reason. I may be completely off here as there is only so much I can extract from your blurb there but as someone that was in a similar situation in a long term relationship with an ex that also had the intention of marriage, children etc. When she wanted out of the relationship she brought up something from months ago that was not a problem at the time and used it as an excuse to end the relationship. I tried to work it out with her but in the end decided to break things off with her as a way for the two of us to have some space and see how things go after awhile. When we broke up she claimed she would not date for a very long time. But soon after she started getting closer to a previous guy friend and lo and behold, a few short months later, I find out she was dating another guy and the years that followed she basically jumped from one bf to the next, she might have even slept around with a bunch of random guys for all I knew. The break up wasn't the most painful part, its the betrayal and the lie that she spun that ate at me while I blamed myself for the cause of the relationship to end which turned out to be a lie that killed me the most. So don't blame it all on yourself. To me based on what you said.. it sounds like bs... you guys were not expecting a child and she did not carry it long enough to form any bond with it.. so why is it such a big deal? She knew you were struggling too so why is this suddenly all your fault? It seems like she wanted attention, attention you weren't able to give her because you were struggling and she found someone else that gave her the attention she wanted during that time you guys were on a break. Now she wants out and is using the miscarriage as an excuse to do so. Like I said, I may be completely off base and I'm only this pessimistic due to my previous experience. As other's have said.. talk to her some more but don't fully blame yourself, don't let that eat away at you like it did me in the past.

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