Submitted by Fireblade09 t3_zwobwm in tifu
I, like most 23 year old males, occasionally partake in the sinful activity known as masturbation. In addition to damning myself to hell for such behavior, I was also blessed with the worst tonsils known to man. For the past decade, I have gotten strep at least 4-5 times a year. Got the flu? Strep. Got COVID? Strep. Slightly run down? Strep. Stiff breeze blows in my direction? You guessed it--hard-on and strep.
After getting mono, I started having tonsil stones, which finally prompted me to pull the trigger and remove the bastards. So, this Christmas, my gift was two big holes in my mouth and pain medicine. Shoutout to my family, they have been absolute angels and taken great care of me.
The surgery went fine and the pain was all-in-all miserable but manageable. I spent the first 4 days essentially fading in and out of a light coma with occasional breaks for Narco and applesauce. On Day 5 (Christmas!), I woke up around 7 AM feeling like I had turnt a corner. I got up, and while in the shower, decided to engage in some tom-foolery.
Here's what you need to know about tonsillectomies. There are a lot (emphasis on a lot) of arteries and veins back there. Lots of blood flow to the area. As such, ENT docs cauterize the ever-loving shit out of the back of your throat and warn against any kind physical activity for 2 weeks . One of the biggest complications is bleeding, which happens to about 10% of people. It is considered a medical emergency and necessitates a visit to the ER.
Had I done some due diligence before beating my meat like it owes me money, I would have found several similar TIFUs within the great scrolls of Reddit (example here). Alas, I did not. And as such, I raised my heart rate and blood pressure while in a hot shower.
I finished the deed and got dressed. As soon as I pulled on clothes, I started bleeding.
When my doc warned against bleeding, I assumed a little ooze. A much more accurate term would have been "burst pipe" or perhaps "geyser." I am actively hemorrhaging. Blood fills my mouth instantly. I spit it out and it immediately fills up again. Instantly, my heart rate spikes and I feel faint. Holy fuck--I'm going to die. I yell for my parents and, as my mom pulls on her shoes and grabs keys, I spit up more blood than I thought humanly possible.
On the way to the ER, I continued spitting up and gurgling ice water. The ice water slowed the bleeding significantly, to the point where, by the time we got to the ER, the doctor was unable to find the source. He cauterized all around my scabs with some silver nitrate, then sent me home. The bleeding seemed to have stopped.
That evening, I was playing some video games and still spitting up small amounts of blood, and nothing puts me in the mood like Halo Infinite and bloody saliva. Not putting two and two together, I went for Round 2. As I was getting close, the geyser erupted again. Back to the ER (with blue balls this time!) I finally realized the extent of my fuck up.
At the ER, they paged my ENT doc. Since the bleeding could be slowed with ice water and the docs couldn't find the source, they sent me home again, with plans to see my ENT in the morning.
What followed was the absolute worst night of my life. I would lay in bed as still as possible and without swallowing (out of fear of triggering another bleed) for about an hour, the clot would burst, I would bleed profusely for 30 minutes, then repeat. I couldn't take my pain or nausea medicine out of fear of triggering another bleed. I couldn't eat or drink anything, so I slowly felt more and more faint. I bled 7 times total.
By the time we got to my ENT's office at 8 AM, I was in rough, rough shape. Pale as a ghost, sleep-deprived, blood-deprived, having diarrhea from swallowing too much blood, and completely mentally and emotionally shot. My ENT gave me a choice--we could either go under general anesthesia for another surgery, or he could do his best to cauterize it locally. I went with Option #2: a terrible choice considering my awful gag reflex.
Sitting in my ENT's office, the bleeding was in a slow period, making it tough for my ENT to find the exact spot. Suddenly, I had a genius idea on how to trigger the bleeding. I excused myself to the bathroom, pulled up my trusty NSFW Reddit account, and a few seconds later, had a nice bleed going.
The procedure was miserable. I coughed and spat up a ton of blood. I had a burst artery in a really difficult spot to access--it took my ENT a full 20 minutes of gagging and cauterizing to close it up. Doc was a trooper--I coughed a ton of blood on the poor guy. Nonetheless, after the worst 20 minutes of my life, the bleeding was stopped and my doc checked me into the hospital to get a few bags of IV and to monitor for a bit. I was completely and utterly exhausted.
Today, my spit is blood-free. I can eat, drink, sleep, and take medicine again. I appear to be in the clear, except for the fact that I'm stuck at home for 2 full weeks just in case I bleed again, meaning I'll miss the first day of class for my graduate program (and I am essentially doing No Nut Holiday Season). All the same, the relief I'm feeling is immaculate. Lesson learned.
TL;DR: A few days after my tonsil removal surgery, I raised my blood pressure by masturbating, triggering a burst artery and turning myself into a bloody Old Faithful.
Hugues-Guy t1_j1vuhxm wrote
I must say, that was an excellent read. I would be lying if I said I didn't laugh the whole time. Glad to know you're better though, I hope you'll get well soon!