TIFU by turning down a guy I really liked because of my anxiety and now I can’t stop regretting it

Submitted by babysharkso t3_zz0y3y in tifu

For context, I’ve (22f) been single for a while and met this guy at a concert event, he invited me out for a drink afterwards. We hit it off instantly and it’s not often that I come across someone I felt this trust and connection with, on top of attraction. But me being the socially awkward anxious introvert I am, I panicked in the moment and made up an excuse to go somewhere else like an idiot. He seemed to take it as me turning him down and he kept his distance after that when I REALLY liked him. We didn’t get each other’s number during the event and now I’m so regretting being an idiot and wishing I could go back in that moment to just say yes. He was funny and sweet, not to mention my exact type. Still can’t for life figure out why I unconsciously sabotaged myself when the perfect opportunity was right in front of me. I don’t know if there’s another way for us to somehow connect again, but the regret is really eating away at me right now.

TL;DR: Unconsciously turned down a guy I really liked in the heat of the moment because of my anxiety. Spending Christmas and New Years alone regretting that decision.

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shadesofwolves t1_j28s4n0 wrote

Take it as a learning experience that you won't make the same mistake again, and there's 8 billion people in the world, you'll be okay.

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QuevedoDeMalVino t1_j28s577 wrote

Well, who knows, perhaps your subconscious registered something odd about him?

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thurrrst0n t1_j28t8r1 wrote

If he had a strong reaction to your rejection, you may have dodged a bullet. Otherwise, you appear to have recognized a self sabotaging behavior. You’ll have opportunities to be better in the future

−18

Lined_the_Street t1_j28uyrx wrote

Replying to thurrrst0n (#1,180,453)

This is my thought, what seems like a lose is a win one way or another. Either her intuition took over after her subconscious spotted something or she found something she can work on. Which hey, working on oneself is IMO the fastest way to find the best fitting partners

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thatjewboy t1_j28w2rn wrote

Inclined to agree with others here. I've (29m) made similar decisions in my past, mostly when I was around your age, and found later that it was because I had missed something about their personality and my subconscious caught me. Usually they'd display manipulative behaviours or neuroticism or something similar.

Like others have said, if by chance you actually did turn down a really good guy, it implies there's something about yourself that you're uncertain of or don't feel comfortable with and this gives you the opportunity to work on that/those trait(s) to avoid a repeat in the future.

Either way, try looking at this as a positive. It's a chance for growth. Wishing you the best.

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LordGoldenEagle t1_j28wxmz wrote

A concert is a sketchy way to meet someone ( ok you like similar music tick) but he was hitting on you. Hence he cold shouldered you when you nixed him. If he was genuine he would have settled for friend. As it was he avoided you because you wouldn't give out immediately to a stranger. He was a bum. You did good. This is your subconscious speaking

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bwobble12 t1_j28x5ef wrote

Don't be afraid to talk about it with friends and family and try to look inwards to find why you turned him down. It might be a difficult thing to do, but you'll feel grateful afterwards

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halilyankee t1_j28y1dl wrote

Replying to LordGoldenEagle (#1,181,352)

This is ridiculous/you have no idea what you're talking about. Was the guy supposed to act the same after being turned down and come off as clingy/creepy?

I think being on the internet too much has led you to forget how the real world works, you see someone you like, you start a chat and if they show interest the dynamic continues, if they don't you readjust and act accordingly in order to keep them from feeling uncomfortable around you.

There was absolutely no bum behavior showed by this guy.

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kenlasalle t1_j28y33h wrote

Speaking as someone who was once ruled by his regrets, allow me to share this advice I was once told: Every regret holds you back from a better future. Regrets are our past tripping us up and preventing us from moving on. Finding a way to shut down your regret response is not easy and it takes patience but the more you try the better you will get at ignoring regret.

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atomicitalian t1_j28znpc wrote

Replying to thurrrst0n (#1,180,453)

Is there any evidence he had a "strong reaction" ?

I mean op can clarify, but wanting to keep your distance from someone who just turned you down isn't weird, especially if you're a dude and you don't want to come off as a weirdo. She didn't say he freaked out on her, just that he kept his distance, which makes sense considering he was probably embarrassed.

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atomicitalian t1_j2900re wrote

Replying to LordGoldenEagle (#1,181,352)

Not everyone is looking to fill out their friend roster. Sometimes people are looking for something more, and that's ok. No one owes their friendship to anyone else. Just like she can turn down his romantic advances he has every right to withhold his companionship.

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MuddTank36 t1_j290ijn wrote

She said she had to go somewhere else. If he would have followed her that would be creepy. But he didn't. He let her go "somewhere else".

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Viciously-Good t1_j290wwg wrote

girl I've been speaking to is doing the same thing to me. She's telling me now that she regrets it but Idk if I wanna do this anymore.

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TheCornerGoblin t1_j291yc9 wrote

I really really hope he has a reddit account and likes TIFU

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Chrysalisair t1_j294x4y wrote

Its easy to think someone is your perfect type and see this as a massive missed opportunity. But turns out life isn't that simple at all.

There's no one right person for you. There are people that will be different levels of good and despite that you'll still have to fight to make things work. And often the kind of person people think will be right for them isn't.

Basically there's very little to regret because there was no definite positive outcome. But there's an opportunity to realise a few things about yourself here, and maybe look into that anxiety/awkwardness.

(Maybe ask: What was your subconscious scared of?)

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eatshoney t1_j299lwx wrote

I think the right person includes many things, including timing. He may have been the perfect guy for you at some point but obviously not the perfect guy for you at this time. I would take this as an indication that the anxiety you mentioned is now interfering with what you want for your life and do something about it. Therapy, medication, try different but healthy coping mechanisms, etc. Whatever you need to not be filled with gut churning regret.

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jakkiljr t1_j29behg wrote

You fucked up...we all have at one time or another...oh well...move on.

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gsc187 t1_j29eki6 wrote

Just hit him back up and explain that

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Jesse_jessy t1_j29evac wrote

Sometimes just say, 'fuck it, what do I have to loose?'

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dantodd t1_j29k5tv wrote

"Why don't guys know that I'm still interested even though I have trouble recording myself" . .

"Why don't guys take a hint when I don't show interest after they ask me out "

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SirSteve1968 t1_j29krzv wrote

Maybe try a "missed connections" personal ad or posting on a local fan site for the band ? If you can't let go in a few days ?

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Maju92 t1_j29n1nx wrote

I don’t want to be a hole in da ass but when you have anxietys on that level you are not ready to have a serious relationship and should work on yourself first. Figure out why you are like this and what triggered it because I am sure beside your problems you are a wonderful person that will find alot of happiness in it’s life.

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E-Reezy420 t1_j29nj87 wrote

Maybe the event has some sort of social media page and he's on there? It's a bit of a stretch but you never know. What's meant to be will be, if you don't see him again there will be others 😊

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Gryioup t1_j29nmpo wrote

"been single for a while"

Just because the past was a certain way doesn't mean the future will be the same.

Appreciate the moment and the feelings you had then accept that part of the beauty is how temporary it was.

Be open to the idea that the world is full of people that are your type.

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gabriel_is t1_j29q3ez wrote

Here's the thing. Today you, has no clue what fiture you wants or needs.

Remember when you were 5, and Johnny Two Shoes didn't invite you to his bday party? Sucked right? But 22 yo you know Johnny Two Shoes ended up marrying Sarah whats her name and they're already divorced! Bullet dodged.

My point is, you end up where you're supposed to end up. You don't know where that is, it is very often not where you think you want to go. But after a certain point in lofe you start looking back and seeing how that relationship endi g or not getting the job enabled, some beautiful favorite part of your life.

Its all about perspective.

Maybe concert guy would've been great, but maybe the best outcome is that you challenge your anxiety, and when baseball game guy comes along, you're not with concert guy, and you're not held back by your anxiety, and you fall madly in love. Turns oit he's perfect for you fr.

This is how life works. You will see it if you look for it.

Don't bother with regret, it is at most you not YET understanding the value of the path you're on. That's ok, that's the fun of it, some would say that's the point.

And I mean look at you reading this, considering a mental map that eliminates regret and makes the future always infinitely hopeful.

Seems a tad more valuable than concert guy doesn't it.

;)

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chmtastic t1_j29rzi5 wrote

As someone with anxiety I feel like thinking that this was some sort of self sabotage is exactly what my anxiety brain would tell me. As others have said, you have no idea what the outcome would’ve been, and there will be plenty of opportunities in the future!

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ConvivialKat t1_j29wx2t wrote

First you sabotaged yourself in the moment and now you are continuing that sabotage by focusing on regret. I suspect you have also built this person up in your mind, increasing your regret. Because, you only spent a few minutes with the guy, so you really have no idea of who or what he is.

The expression "live and learn" exists for a reason. Move on and try to learn how to better deal with your anxiety.

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SuperDoodooHead t1_j29y57z wrote

I’ve self sabotaged myself before and I still regret that shit to this day. For any of you who struggle to be completely honest with yourself or those unsure about what you want, please be shameless and put away your pride. You don’t want to wonder, “what if…” everyday, wishing you could just go back and slap yourself. Please let yourself live in the moment.

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Magnusg t1_j29yvyf wrote

It's ok. You're young, you'll turn down others you like equally as much because of anxiety still.

Maybe see a therapist.

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Spanky_Ikkala t1_j2a0c41 wrote

Listen take this one as a practice run for the day you feel ready to say 'yes'. If you were ready today you would have said yes. Be compassionate with yourself hug

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pizzahutbuffet t1_j2a1nzu wrote

Chin up, you will have another chance. When it comes to regret like this, you learn from it, attempt to adjust accordingly, and don’t forget what it taught you. Don’t dwell upon it and beat yourself up.

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zorggalacticus t1_j2a4bfh wrote

I have a saying: Until you put the past behind you, it will always be an obstacle in front of you.

That being said, if you spend all of your time looking at what's already happened, you miss the opportunities that are right in front of you simply because you're looking in the wrong direction. Chalk it up to experience, remember that feeling of regret, and use it as fuel to push past your anxiety and not make the same mistake again. Like, next time focus your anxiety on "what if I don't talk to that guy, and I miss my chance?" Use your anxiety like a superpower, kind of like the hulk directs his anger towards the bad guys. It doesn't always work, you'll still have bad days, but focus on what will happen if you DON'T do that thing that you're having anxiety about doing. Use it to talk yourself INTO doing it, instead of OUT of doing it if that makes sense. Now I realize this doesn't help with your current situation, but In the future it may help you like it has me.

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babysharkso OP t1_j2a7wag wrote

Replying to thurrrst0n (#1,180,453)

He didn’t react strongly. He was actually respectful and I could feel him pulling back after I made that comment. He just got quiet and kept a distance afterwards. I didn’t mean to turn him down at all but I only later realised what I said came across as it and probably made him think I wasn’t interested. Smh why am I like this

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MemphisAl901 t1_j2a80sv wrote

He'll somehow be put back into your orbit if its meant to be mama.

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BradleyQuest t1_j2a9urn wrote

Try not to beat yourself up about this. Let this just be a reminder that there are people out there that you can totally mesh with and connect on all levels. He isn't the only one out there I promise. I have adapted the idea that we all have numerous soul mates, people that we can just connect with differently than others. This can either be romantic or just in a friendly way. I have met many girls where I thought they could've been the one or they would have been great to date but something happened either similar to you, me or them were dating someone else, or some other weird circumstance. I used to let it eat at me that I might have messed up but after it happening so often, I felt validated in the fact that I was able to find people that I wanted to spend time around and viewed as potential partners.

If you don't find him I promise you will find someone else that will make you feel some way, if not more. What you did and you handled it is not your fault or mistake. We are all learning daily and always trying to get better. Everything is gonna work out.

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StairwellTO t1_j2ad0es wrote

There are so many what ifs in my life. Use them as tools to guide you towards what you don’t want to do in the future. Missed opportunities and regrets are just beacons to finding where you belong and are truly comfortable

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Rockyjohnson90 t1_j2ae08f wrote

Get over it. Now that you have identified mistake, u promise urself to not do it again when the opportunity comes.. We all make mistakes!

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FakinFunk t1_j2aefvx wrote

Second chances exist. Take the time to work on you, and it’ll be intuitive when/if you run across the right one. I’ve beaten myself up about a million “ones that got away,” but I always met someone else. Let yourself feel bad for a while, and then build on what you’ve learned. 👍

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blackjesus t1_j2amiub wrote

Omg I read “going down on guy” completely different story.

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Pandering_Panda7879 t1_j2an3g0 wrote

Just ask on the concert event FB page (or any other social media page). It's super common. There are tons of "anyone know who this cute boy/girl was that I met at X?" Maybe you'll be able to find him.

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Lil-CBD t1_j2aogd4 wrote

Why not just tell him that you were anxious at the time?

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blameline t1_j2aonaz wrote

I'm predicting that one day, you'll run into him again and you'll be unattached and the time will be right. When that happens, please be sure to update...

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DenseVoigt t1_j2arfts wrote

Just tell him straight!!! If you can, tell him exactly how it went down.

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schnager t1_j2atd7r wrote

If your gut told you to back off, then it was very likely saving your life

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Doankee t1_j2b0glb wrote

Unconscious and subconscious are VERY different things my friend.

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dumbgenius42 t1_j2b2n3d wrote

Replying to schnager (#1,198,008)

Do you have an anxiety disorder because I do my gut tells me a simple drive to go get snacks will get me into an accident sadly for people with anxiety our gut can't be trusted as much

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sl1mlim t1_j2b4j8v wrote

Surely Reddit sleuths can find him?

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Givemeurhats t1_j2b5o6f wrote

You don't think you deserve it, is why you did that. Know that you deserve more than nothing, you and everyone else deserves love and happiness. Value yourself more, and you won't sabotage good things coming to you. It's not always bad to be a little selfish

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braveabandon t1_j2b5qus wrote

Breaking the habit of being yourself book talked about how your body can become addicted to stress hormones. Your normal state is solitude and comfort.

Anything that breaks that pattern may feel like a threat. if you never take risks and always run away from anything uncomfortable, well, good luck ever changing your circumstances, because your habit is to be ruled by fear. Every time you choose to escape instead of confrontating and overcoming what youre afraid of, strengthens that habit of escaping. Step 1 get therapy Step 2 read books about overcoming worry and fear and being courageous Step 3 challenge yourself to do things outside your comfort zone to build your courage and confidence a minimum of 1x per week

So many people would rather talk about their problems rather than actually do something to solve them.

Don't be one of them or you will continue to suffer the same results for potentially the rest of your life. 6 months from now, you could make significant progress in minimizing the impact anxiety has over your life...

Could? Should? Would? Or won't?

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queen_of_potato t1_j2ba1s0 wrote

Don't worry, everyone does stuff like that sometimes.. try going to a page for the event or the band and posting about it? Hope you find them!

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Downtown_Report1646 t1_j2bapxl wrote

You should say your name cause he might know your name than he can see this post and than do it

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borderliar t1_j2bejkq wrote

Maybe next time you'll step up to the plate

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loki518 t1_j2bemn5 wrote

Replying to kenlasalle (#1,195,883)

Thank you :)

I mean unfortunately that's not my actual problem lol but that's at least how I try to work out those situations. Just doing what seems right and if it wasn't then I reflect on it and try to learn.

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Penyrolewen1970 t1_j2benxs wrote

We’ve all done this. It’ll be ok. It’s going to work out. Just keep on keeping on and it’ll be fine.

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edgy_secular_memes t1_j2bql00 wrote

As someone with anxiety and suffering from OCD, I feel you so much. I had a girl offer me a first kiss this year when we were playing Never have I never and I turned her down in the moment as we were in a group setting. I didn’t want her to feel pressured or be seen as bad as my anxiety made me believe if I acted upon it. When I talked to people later about it, they called me an idiot and I should have seized the moment. Le sigh. I can relate to you so much

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Only-Tree7132 t1_j2bvrpt wrote

I did this when I was 26. I waved someone in on the beltway in DC and smiled. He smiled back and then stayed in front of me motioning for me to pull Over and doing the please I’m begging you motion with his hands. I didn’t do it. Why? Because I didn’t have any self confidence in my looks and I thought, what if he gets close up and regrets it? Now I realized how cute that 26 YO girl was and how I should have loved myself. I’ve regretted it on and off for…wait for it…30 years! I’m 56 now- I’ve had a life, marriage, career, kids, but then tragedy hit my life, my husband had issues that I never knew about and he passed away. I fantasize about the guy who ‘got away’ - it’s fun and perfect in my mind. But would it have been? No because nothing ever is. But in my mind it always could have been. All this to say that’s what you’re regretting, the what could have been. So remember this feeling so that next time you take the chance. You’re wonderful today, remember that ❤️

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Environmental-Tea4u t1_j2bvyw7 wrote

Wasn’t meant to be. Timing is everything and anxiety can be our gut just telling us the timing isn’t right. Give yourself grace and time. I think you did the right thing.

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Horror_Quick t1_j2bzy1e wrote

Lmao. Don't stress it, dudes fumble the bag all the time, but yikes 😅

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Jeannette311 t1_j2c457e wrote

I did something similar when I was younger. Years later I found out he sexually abused his own son. You could have dodged a bullet.

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danzbboy t1_j2cbk3k wrote

Do you know his full name? These days pretty easy to find someone phone via Instagram, FB, TikTok, etc. I had many missed opportunities in the past, and I knew that living in a big city, if I didn't get that girl's number or email/IG something, chances are we will never meet again. The thought of that always reminds me and gives me the courage to get the contact before we leave each other so there is a second chance of sorts.

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WhatTheKai t1_j2ce7m1 wrote

Don’t regret things like these take it as learning experiences , still young don’t let shit like this tear you down

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Sufficient-Function8 t1_j2cywb7 wrote

I feel for you OP. I'm a 56M, and can still remember times at parties or gigs, or whatever, 30 or 40 years ago, where my anxiety felt like a physical restraint on me. And we'd go our separate ways, some lovely human thinking that she'd read it wrong, that I want interested after all, when in fact I so desperately was.

But the past is the past, so don't beat yourself up over things you can't change. There's always a next time, and one of those next times you'll get it right!

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berend1989 t1_j2dabyj wrote

i once turned down a girl i liked cuz her ogre of a girl friend asked me for her cuz she was shy, week later they left the club💀 i still.remember her eyes 15 years later😂 people are stupid

−1

PoolObjective2733 t1_j2dbruf wrote

Sounds like you not only have anxiety but BPD (boarderline personality disorder) we tend to self sabotage. If there is no way to find him fb, twit, insta, then you gotta learn how to forgive yourself for this things and learn to be more open. I am unipolar, bpd, anxiety, ptsd, introvert. I learned how to open up to people by just treating everyone that I was talking to by acting like I've known them for years. When its one on one its a little easier

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