Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

AndyR001 t1_j1ny9la wrote

Ok...

She said it was ok for you to touch her breasts? Was there some interaction before that, that lead to that?

Was she trying to normalize the situation as a coping mechanism?

Idk dude, If you started touching her without any form of previous consent, she shouldnt trust you ever again. Being drunk is not a justification.

If... And this is a big IF... you started making out and she was not ready for that kind of touching and she made it clear, that would be just two people getting frisky and finding each others bounderies.

I think you should write to her letting her know what you think happened. What ever she decides to do, you got to live with that.

If it really went as you said and you just started groping her from nothing, you need to work out your shit, man. If you cant trust yourself, drunk or not, you shouldnt be around that girl or any until you learn to control yourself.

Edit: i forgot to say, its a good thing you Stoped when she asked. Dont feel suicidal, take this as a formative experience.

PLEASE look for help If you cant control your depression.

84

Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1o0yzl wrote

I am perfectly aware that being drunk is not a justification, just mentioned it so that the full picture would come across. Obviously I myself am responsible for my mistakes, and that includes this horrible event, I know that.

As I already said in a response to another comment I refrained from telling her how I perceived the situation because she made clear that she does not want an apology and I don't want her to feel like she is urged to understand someone who hurt her. She doesn't want to talk to me, which does mean I can not tell her how I feel but it's only natural that she wants to be left alone so I respect that.

As for my depression, I was having it under control pretty well, this one experience just makes me feel worse than I have felt in years in so many ways, maybe worse than I have ever felt. I don't intend to harm myself but the intrusive thoughts are definitely there and I am trying my best to fight them off. In part because I don't want her to feel like her perfectly reasonable reaction to my fuck up makes her responsible for what would happen to me if I did so something to myself.

0

[deleted] t1_j1ps1o0 wrote

[removed]

−15

Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1pscga wrote

I am not depressed because I am a "douche bag", I am depressed because I am depressed and on top of that I turned into a "douche bag" somewhere along the line. I have been depressed since the age of 13, at which I was still an innocent kid. But stopping to be a "douche bag" is something I have to do either way so that's what I'll be working on.

5

Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1nzx93 wrote

We were not making out, we were just laying in bed and I think snuggling although I honestly don't remember it that well. I am entirely unsure why she said that it would be ok for me to touch her breasts, we were pretty close to each other and at least emotionally pretty intimate with each other, to the point where it would maybe even look like something was going on between us if other people were to read our chats and/or listen to our phone calls. That has been to varying degrees over the months however and she did show romantic interest in other people a few times, during which we were way less intimate with each other. So it's somewhat unclear how exactly she felt about me but as far as I know she just thought of me as a close friend, maybe an inbetween of that and a romantic interest but that is not something I know for sure. She had also told me beforehand that when I was to visit her I could use her lap or her breasts as pillow if I wanted to so it might be that she just didn't mind with people she is close to being intimate with her to that exact point and that she wouldn't have thought anything of it. My guess would probably be that it was a mixture of genuine comfortableness with that in particular and also panic response/coping at the same time but again, this is just pure assumption.

−23

MsWinterbourne t1_j1prvhx wrote

It was her way to defend herself safely from a person who doesn't understand consent, was drunk and unpredictable, and could over power her. She didn't want you to touch her chest but you were touching her vagina which was scarier and wuickly heading towards rape in her eyes, or fingering which is extremely violating and physically violent. She told you to touch her chest as a way to stop you from raping or assaulting her further without reacting violently in anger at her rejecting you. Not because she WANTED you to touch her chest. It was just the safer of the two assaults.

41

MARYAMQUSSIM t1_j1q1yp2 wrote

I agree w you specially that I was shocked when she said that she's not comfortable talking to him when he texted her later cuz it doesn't flatter the fact that she told him that it was ok to touch her tatas so what you're saying makes perfect sense! I really wish I would give her a hug and at the same time I feel the OP's regret and wish he would seek for needed help and personally I don't think I'd be ok w this friendship after something like that even if I fully forgive the person so I'm only hoping for both their comfort within themselves

1

Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1q2dcw wrote

Yeah you're probably right. I do want to mention that I probably am physically weaker then her but at the of the day that doesn't really matter. It was a scary, fucked up situation for her and I can't imagine how much damage I must have caused.

−13

SlabOmir t1_j1qn051 wrote

Man you seem to have an answer to everything, reading your comments I am getting a politician vibe from you. Just the way you are responding to questions.

7