Submitted by Melodic-Spite-5918 t3_zv8nqi in tifu
Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1ntyf6 wrote
Reply to comment by mp_phantom in TIFU: I molested the girl I like and now I don't know how to live with myself by Melodic-Spite-5918
As much as I appreciate the sentiment, I do not think that we will just both get over this. She doesn't understand that I meant no harm because when I started to text her about wanting to apologize she immediately told me off and said that I can't fix it with an apology. So I did not even attempt to explain that I meant no harm, even though I would like to make that clear to her, because I did not want to seem pushy. If I did, it probably would have come off as me making excuses. So we left things at her telling me that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore and me accepting that. And I don't think it matters if I meant no harm because she probably just feels like I should have known she wouldn't be comfortable with that and that it doesn't change what happened and how she felt. Thank you though
cornichoens t1_j1p1ddi wrote
so… she had to tell you to stop physically assaulting her twice, you broke down and made it about you when she was the wronged party and she comforted you(!!!) you tried to apologize and she didn’t accept it, and asked you to leave her alone. and here you are again, disrespecting her boundaries because of YOUR feelings and agenda. notice a pattern here? if you want to “make things better” leave her alone. go to therapy. own up to your shit, and for the love of god stop drinking.
edit: it doesn’t matter if you “meant no harm”. you literally assaulted someone who did not want to be touched by you repeatedly. that was the harm.
Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1pa5di wrote
I know I am not the victim, my intention is not to come across as such. I also know that, just because there was no harmful intent, that doesn't negate the damage I have done. I do however think that I am within my rights to talk about this as long as I don't lose sight of me being at fault and her being the victim. I have given her anonimty by changing her name and I have only talked about this with my best friend and no one else for multiple reasons, of which a major one is my genuine wish to not disrespect her boundaries from here on out. If she was to see this post and to tell me that I should delete it, I would. I she was to press charges, I would confess on the spot. I she was to ask anything at all from me ever again I would not hesitate for a second to do as she asked. I would give her everything I have if that is what she asked me to do, be it money, be it any act of punishment. I want to own up to this so bad, but I am unsure of how to do that which is why I opened this thread, to gain perspective, not to get myself sympathy for something I am obviously at fault for.
winston2552 t1_j1poj2k wrote
And that's why everyone keeps telling you to go to therapy.
JusticeIsBlind t1_j1pybpa wrote
You are not within your rights to make her talk to you about this. Women arent free therapists. Go hire a professional and leave her alone
Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1pz1jj wrote
Are you talking about my best friend or about Becky? If you mean Becky, she has told me that she wants to be left alone so I am doing that. It is entirely her decision and if she does not want to talk to me again then I won't talk to her again. That's the pill I'm trying to swallow. If you mean my best friend, I called her up and told her about all of this because I had to get it off my chest and I was afraid to be left alone with my thoughts. I am not making her talk about this though, I am telling her something and she responds how she sees fit. If she does not feel comfortable to talk about it then she should not feel any obligation to do so. I have told her that one or two times right at the beginning when I called her up to tell her but I will make sure to remind her of that again. She obviously is not a free therapist, she is my friend and if she does not/can not offer me support than she is in her rights to not do so.
JusticeIsBlind t1_j1pznjn wrote
So this reads as you assaulting one woman, finally realizing that you cant make her talk to you about it and going to a different woman to make her do emotional labor. If you cant be alone with your thoughts, there are professionals to assist and hotlines for when you cant get an appointment. My whole point is stop asking women to do emotional labor for you. “If she doesnt feel comfortable to talk about it then she should not feel any obligation”. My dude, you are saying that you have active ideations of suicide right now. There are few people who would not “feel an obligation” in that situation. 988 is free and appears to be international. Call them.
Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1q1ahx wrote
I did not intend for her to do "emotional labor" I am merely spending time with her to distract myself and telling her how I feel and what happened so she knows what's going on. I have done the same for other people numerous times and I have done it for her too. I have supported her when she told me about feeling suicidal and had battles to fight. I have always repeatedly reassured her to not shy away from reaching out to me because if she needs my support, I want to be there for her as much as I can, as friends do. Since I felt capable of doing that and comfortable with doing so, I do not think of this as something that is completely off-limits because from my experience it is reasonably manageable. I am however aware of how sensitive of a topic this is (this referring both to the incident, as well as suicidality) and that there are definitely people who do not know how to deal with it and just have to do so because they feel obligated. But she told me numerous times that she needs me to promise to reach out to her if I am going through something or struggling with mental health and so I trust her to know how much she is comfortable with if she made me promise that. If she does not feel comfortable than it is perfectly ok for her to just decline that, there are other ways how she can be there for me and even if she doesn't have the time or energy to do so, it is not and never was her responsibility to take care of me, I am an adult and I am willing to work on any problems that come my way or that are inherent to me by myself. I am trying so hard to not make her feel obligated to take care of me and beyond my first initial call, she has been reaching out to me to check up on me on her own which I am infinitely thankful for but I do not expect her or anyone to do so. This does obviously not replace professional help, I know that.
JusticeIsBlind t1_j1q1x4j wrote
Then make an appointment or call a hotline. If i knew someone was suicidal, i would reach out too. If only so i wouldnt feel guilty if something happened. And btw “spending time with her to distract myself etc etc etc” is asking her to do emotional labor. The words you use dont matter when it is clear what you are asking. A suicidal person saying “oh just tell me if it is too much but let me share my feelings and distract myself” is asking her to shoulder the burden.
If you are an adult, take the steps you need and be an adult
Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1q324n wrote
I am always working on myself and on becoming a better person, so don't worry I was always planning on taking the necessary steps myself. Staying away from alcohol, seeking professional help and maybe at least finding a way to help prevent this from happening to others since I can't fix the damage I have done with Becky. And you're right, I shouldn't have asked this much of my best friend, that was unreasonable of me. Thanks for reminding me of that.
mall_goth420 t1_j1ramm1 wrote
Talk about it to the police. Don’t put the burden on her to report it knowing full well that most women don’t out of fear that nothing will happen about it. Turn yourself in and pay your debt to society
Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1ro63m wrote
I would just get some mild charges for this (it's pretty fucked tbh, there should be a more sever punishment imo) and again, I'm genuinely worried that it would draw attention to her and put her in another situation she is not comfortable in. I don't want to burden her with it but at the same time I don't want to make any more decisions that effect her in any way without clear feedback from her ever again, be it compensation through the legal system or anything else. I'm scared shitless that it's gonna be the wrong decision.
mall_goth420 t1_j1rogn5 wrote
So you get to traumatize her and go away scot free? You’re a rapist.
Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1rq3mr wrote
I don't want to go away scot free, I really do not. And I am thinking about turning myself in. I don't mind having to pay charges, I am fine with getting an entry in my criminal records for this and I am also willing to tell my family and friends about this as soon as I am ready to, which I am moving towards. I'm so afraid of causing any more harm, of making her relive it again. You don't have to tell me that I deserve punishment, that's not the part I'm questioning, it's really really not. But do you truly believe that it would be in her best interest? Because if so, I want to do it. I want to do whatever I can. I'm just not sure about anything anymore is all
mall_goth420 t1_j1rqauj wrote
Generally speaking, it’s in everybody’s best interest for a rapist to be held accountable and actually get punishment yeah
Melodic-Spite-5918 OP t1_j1rqi1b wrote
Ok, thank you. Hearing this helps so much. Thank you, really.
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