TIFU by sitting down without looking first

Submitted by TheEmptiestVoid t3_z4gcy9 in tifu

I'm going to preface this by saying that I have pretty severe anxiety and have spent the majority of my life being overly cautious as to not do anything that could potentially harm me (except for smoking, idk, my brain is dumb).

So this morning I go outside to sit on my porch and smoke a cigarette, a very common practice that I engage in. I usually check the chairs in the morning for spiders but I was barely awake and thought to myself "how many times have you actually found anything on the chair?"

Wow, much growth, challenge those irrational thoughts bitch!

So I just sat myself down and then immediately jumped back up BECAUSE MY ASS WAS ON FIRE. FIIIIRRREEEEEE. I look down and see a big ass wasp writhing in pain. Serves him right, tbh.

My brain immediately goes to "Fuck, I've never been stung before. What if I'm allergic?" Cue the 1 and a half hour panic attack. I feel like I'm dying but I can't tell if it's panic or anaphylaxis. A modicum of sense comes upon me and I realize that I'd probably already be dead if it was an anaphylactic reaction.

In the end, I got the last laugh because that fucker got ass squished and didn't make it BUT I PREVAILED!

I can't sit properly without it hurting like a biiiiitch and this has only made my hate for wasps even stronger but thank you all for letting me share my embarrassment with you.

TL;DR

I didn't look at the chair before sitting and sat on a wasp

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Comments

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Squigglepig52 t1_ixqr1so wrote

Of course it was a big ass wasps, what other kind of wasp lurks on chairs?

Fuck wasps, by the way.

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taxibootleg02 t1_ixqskdt wrote

FUCK WASPS >:(

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Arkoden_Xae t1_ixqxsr5 wrote

Do not fuck wasps..

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T4kh t1_ixrk50r wrote

r/Insex

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thatdlguy t1_ixrspp3 wrote

Today is a terrible day to have eyes

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HarryPottersElbows t1_ixtgpf2 wrote

I have finally learned. The Sandy Cheeks vore subreddit changed me. I will not click the r/Insex link.

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Ok_Rhubarb7652 t1_iy6fd97 wrote

So smart, I now want to remove my eyes because I just had to click and find out

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TheW83 t1_ixsp7jp wrote

Seems like maggot girl would love that sub.

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Faust_8 t1_ixr5znm wrote

Bees, mud dobbers, etc: hey man if you don’t mess with me then we cool

Us: sure, fam

Wasps: SEE YOU IN HELL

Us: YOU TELL THEM WHO SENT YOU

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Takaithepanda t1_ixt2n6a wrote

I dunno, I think they're kinda cool looking from the safety of glass.

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Pellinor_Geist t1_ixqzzvj wrote

If you are still breathing an hour and a half later, you did not have an allergic reaction. I needed my epipen within 2 minutes because I was gasping for breath the last time I had a reaction.

If this is still recent, make sure the stinger isn't still in your butt. That might be some of the pain, if it broke off on impact.

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TheEmptiestVoid OP t1_ixr7lro wrote

My partner and one of my children both carry epis for their allergies and when I'm thinking from a logical standpoint, I know the drill. I've unfortunately gone through the motions multiple times, especially when we were figuring out all of my daughters allergies. For some reason though, that logic is thrown out the fucking window when I need it for myself.

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LgndDEMON386 t1_ixr09e9 wrote

You might've won but that wasp got the holy death we all dream of...

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InductiveArguments t1_ixqwcfj wrote

Tbh.. I think the wasp won. You didn’t have to go outside for a cigarette. Which means you didn’t have to get stung by a wasp.

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leafshaker t1_ixqynet wrote

Eh. Wasp dead and OP is alive and on reddit.

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MaxxB1ade t1_ixr9u55 wrote

Many moons ago when I had long hair, I was walking down the main street of the city I lived in then and felt something touch my head. Being the cool long haired dood on the street, I casually ran my fingers through my locks only to be stung between two fingers by a bloody great wasp which then proceeded to hover in front of my face giving me full eye contact until the pain kicked in. Well, off he fucked on his merry way while I turned into the crazy guy that everyone crosses the street to avoid.

All I remember is pain and swearing, oh, and also the old lady who had watched the entire event from a bench she was chilling on. That's what brought me back down to earth, I thought she was having some kind of seizure. She was holding her mouth whilst coughing and crying with her other hand on her chest. Turns out she was laughing so hard she nearly spat her false teeth out and her chest was sore because she could hardly take a breath from laughing so much.

I really wanted to call her a heartless bitch but apart from not being able to make a fist for a couple of days, I was fine and she had probably prevented me being carted off to the nearest funny farm for my own good.

Fuck wasps!

Edit: typo and just to add, fuck all wasps!

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TheEmptiestVoid OP t1_ixs0y21 wrote

Ugh, fuck that. My friend has super long, thick curls and she was just telling me that one got stuck in her hair at a water park and stung her multiple times while she was trying to get it out. Absolutely vile creatures.

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Arkoden_Xae t1_ixqxp5g wrote

Glad you came out of it with a positive mind set!

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wolf_boi_ t1_ixqzify wrote

Honestly, you could have sat on something much much worse...

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TheEmptiestVoid OP t1_ixr8a3f wrote

I read this, thought of all the things that are worse that aren't able to get me due to geographic reasons, and have decided that I would rather not know what the other worse things could be.

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HotMess_ish t1_ixrcqja wrote

You're still right, though...it wasn't a spider. Hope your ass starts to feel better!

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jakegene t1_ixrcr8t wrote

I once came from sauna, and in my jeans was a bumble-bee.

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FerrisTheRed t1_ixrimhm wrote

Good ending, in my opinion. Wasps are evil little buggers, and you are justified in fearing them (and enjoying the schadenfreude when one gets ass-squished).

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weiistone t1_ixrj28h wrote

This. ass. is on. firrreeeeee.

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jengypsy128 t1_ixrky8j wrote

When I get stung by wasps(or any other stinging insect) I make a paste of baking soda and water, apply to the sting, cover with a bandage and the swelling goes down much faster.

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Fluid_Palpitation_69 t1_ixr1py2 wrote

Put some witch hazel on a paper towel and apply it to your sting. I promise it will help with the pain and the itching.

I hate wasps and they love me. I felt this post.

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TheEmptiestVoid OP t1_ixr8m7a wrote

I'll have to get some of that. I've been running from them my whole life and they finally got me. I am slightly less scared of them now though.

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darkcafedays t1_ixr1qk5 wrote

Just as a fyi from another “am I allergic to this” person is that anaphylaxis usually begins within 20 minutes.

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TheEmptiestVoid OP t1_ixr59ko wrote

Oh I know, but my brain likes jumping through all the hoops. It went through all the stages like:

  • dizzy and short of breath, definitely dying
  • its probably just the panic tbh
  • ok but how do I know if I've never experienced this before?
  • bitch, you'd definitely be dead right now if it was an allergic reaction
  • OK but what if the adrenaline from the panic is acting in the same way epinephrine does?
  • I don't think you can panic yourself out of death
  • yea, you probably can't
  • ok so I'm not dying
  • tries sitting up and gets extremely lightheaded
  • fuck, I really am dying
  • Is this an ativan-level event? Probably not
  • hmm, pretty sure I would be dead
  • so why am lightheaded? Oh ya, my breathing
  • oh, I can breathe fine
  • k, definitely not dying
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voicebread t1_ixr7c3o wrote

Did the same thing while on a trip with some friends, sat down on a wasp who proceeded to sting me right in the ass. They thought it was hilarious, I did not

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TheEmptiestVoid OP t1_ixr8sfn wrote

My partner thought it was funny too. He said I was going to swell and have one ass check looking like a botched bbl.

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thatguyfrom1975 t1_ixskh11 wrote

I live in SOCAL, unincorporated area, lots of houses but still not city, yet not quite country. I sat down in my chair one night on the back patio and after a minute or so realized that there was a snake underneath it. Since that night, I don’t cross the threshold of any exterior door without examining the area. I did not get bit. My animals alerted me to its presence and kept me safe.

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bitchyRac00m t1_ixu8odf wrote

Wasps and bees are the devil. I swear, I have been chased by wasps for no fucking reason too many times and had stepped on bees twice, I hate them with a passion

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markwell9 t1_ixs6a3o wrote

These fuckups point that every generation is softer than the previous one.

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runswithdolls t1_ixsbl7m wrote

You're not allergic the first time you're exposed to an allergen btw. It's the second time that you find out if you're allergic. 😑

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