OP, some people become really evil when they drink. That's you. Don't drink, you'll hurt and push away friends and family as you've been doing.

And it can and will affect things permanently.

Drunks get some excuse, but depending on what is said, some things can't be unsaid and even drink won't excuse it - because people will know that that's in your mind, and expect you were just hiding it before and drink just brought it up.

I'm sorry for you. Hope you can control it and rebuild friendships.