You did not f.u. You really needed to say that out loud to someone.

Believe me, I've been there. And I also thought that it was not that bad.

Do visit a therapist. It may seem difficult or annoying at first, but you'll feel better after a while. Please do.

I wish you the very best.

I think that most people have dealt with the same thoughts here and there...

I don't think that you necessarily need a therapist for the occasional intrusive, or disassociative thought. Unless there's other factors that are leading you to muse over such things.

Maybe an apology and some reassure is called for; after blindsiding her with that nugget of information.

Express how thankful you are to have a open minded relationship with her; that allows you to express these feelings. Without all of the bells and whistles being blown out.

I am sure that your mom would rather know; than not know. It is just a surprising admission and it probably shook her up, in the moment. It's a heavy subject to talk about; even if everyone is on the same page.

So don't be too hard on yourself or your Mother. These feelings will come and go through out your life. The time for help is when you don't have it come and go..

And let your mom know that you did.

As a parent this. Love yourself and your mom. A big hug will do wonders for both you and her.

Go get help, you shouldn't feel like this. That feeling will only grow as you get older if you leave it untreated now.

As for how your mom feels, she is your mom. Her worrying about you is already what she does.

You did the right thing. Like with physical wounds you have to let mental health concerns out in the open air so they don't fester and get worse. Thoughts like this do happen to most people at one point or another, but if it's happening often enough for you to feel the need to tell someone, you should definitely take it seriously.

If you have the option, I very much recommend a therapist. Worst case scenario you stick it out for a bit before deciding it's not for you.

You reached out with something you find disturbing and your responsible adult said "perhaps you need therapy"

Take their advice, worst case scenario you spend an hour talking to a professional who explains that we all get these thoughts from time to time and that the proper response is to acknowledge them, evaluate why you are feeling that way and see if there is anything you need to do to change that cause, and if not, then just accept them as something your brain does from time to time.

It's ok to be mentally ill, we all get that way at times.

You wouldn't think it's a fuck up if you said "mom sometimes it hurts when I pee" and she said "maybe you should see a doctor" would you?

Of course not. But there's this stigma around mental health.

I just don’t know how someone saying something cryptic stuff about emotions could help, esp since it is very expensive here so I will feel guilty asking mom to pay for something I may not benefit from

I did give her a big big hug and told her how lucky I am to have her, she teared up but it made me really happy so thank you this was a wonderful advice

Yeah you have a point, mental health should be regarded the same way as physical one tbh Also in the part where you talk about the worst case scenario, is this way of thinking wrong?

No, I don't see a negative outcome.

The worst case is that you only get or need a single appointment and then all you have done is the equivalent of turning up to the doctor's office for a cold, only to be told "yeah, just fluids and rest mate, you're good"

What I laid out is the basic pattern to deal with intrusive thoughts, acknowledge, consider, discard.

I will try to arrange a visit. Till then I will probably try that basic pattern. Thank you so much

I asked if this will make her worry all the time she then told me to just stop talking about it because she is a bit overwhelmed (which I understand) espionage because dad and her always strive to give us the lest of life.

Espionage? What espionage? Auto correct has thrown a curve ball...what was the original word meant to be?

I had unspeakably bad trauma occur to me and I spent days unable to sleep and jumping at every sound thinking that this was it and my life was going to end.

The only way to deal with intrusive thoughts is to follow that pattern. Otherwise they go round and round and round.

Acknowledge, I'm having a thought that is negative.

Evaluate, is this thought helpful right now.

Discard, it is not helpful, it is not necessary, it is just neurons firing, I have already considered this and made a decision (I literally said to myself, "I already thought about this and discarded it, I will not reconsider unless there is new information")

I wish you well.

Right now you feel guilty and ashamed for sharing how you're feeling. That's not normal or healthy. Talking to a therapist will help you learn to not feel guilty for having emotions. Itll make you feel less alone. You'll have people on your side.

It is expensive but if your parents truly love you (assuming they can afford it) they'll want to do whatever they can to save your life. Because that's what depression is- its a fight for your life.

If you can't/don't want to go to therapy I'd suggest at least reading up on DBT skills (coping mechanisms), thought reframing (a DBT skill) and maybe shadow work (self therapy).

Please be safe and don't be afraid to reach out.