You didn't fuck up. You're supposed to be open with a therapist ESPECIALLY enderby your mental health is a life it death issue OP. I wish you all the best. Plan your exit, get therapy or find a support group. This trauma has lasting effects on your health. Look up ACES. Adverse childhood experiences. Childhood abuse and adversity literally shortens lives and negatively affects health and disease. You deserve love and good care and I'm sorry that your caregivers did the opposite. X