TIFU by saying someone was hot to my boyfriend

Submitted by CoffeeOk5402 t3_ygvv56 in tifu

I want to start off by, yes, this was entirely my fault. I also want to note that I have autism, so I have extreme difficultly with communication and social appropriate things to say, I wish I could go back and fix it. I'm texting my boyfriend about a movie I watched last night while he was having a party out with his friends. We were watching Oujia with our neighbors in our resident hall.

Fast forward to now, the very next day I noticed he posted his story of the same movie and the same priest. The thing about me and my boyfriend is that we always talk about how cool priests are, we're both considering christianity, but that aside he really wants to become a priest. In my head, I thought this: "What a perfect way to converse, I'll just bring up the movie, talk about the priest, we can laugh, I can flirt with my boyfriend, show him my love and how we're literal soul mates for watching the same movie without telling each other." It was indeed not the perfect plan, I started off by talking about the priest, I said he was bad (as in badass), he got confused, asking "bad?" And I replied with "Hot, but I'd choose you any time over him."

It didn't compute to me that what I said was wrong until he felt hurt. I was confused at first, as any autistic person does when they accidentally say something wrong. I was speechless. I quickly reply with "ok sry", (I use the short text terms when I'm confused or embarrassed), he took it as "I do not care" which only escalated his unhappiness. I felt awful, I even start to cry a little because I really didn't mean for this. I apologize a lot, I understood that I was completely out of line.

I made him feel inferior. He's the best thing that happened to me and it was a genuine mistake. My boyfriend struggles with severe body images, and anxiety, whenever we have a complication, he always violently shakes, but of course we always talk it out. Despite my awful lack of emotional intelligence, I'm good at trying to mediate his emotions. I really only wanted to have a fun light hearted chat, since he occasionally, but very rarely will talk about his fictional crushes, while I hardly have any since I only have eyes for him. I just feel awful. I made him sad, and now I'm sad, he's sad, what if he does something to himself? I wish I was smarter.

TL;DR I call someone hot to try and have a conversation, he gets very unhappy. I make it worse with miscommunicated confusion, leading to him getting angry. I try to reassure him I only tried to make a joke and I don't actually find him hot, but I worry he will hurt himself.

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Comments

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redbucket75 t1_iuaqqjl wrote

It's fine, people in relationships can still find celebrities attractive and even tell each other.

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dadarkgtprince t1_iuaqzvz wrote

Saying a celebrity is hot isn't terrible. He needs to get over it. If you said the mechanic where you take your car to is hot, that would be different

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Artistic-Budget4500 t1_iuasshl wrote

You did nothing wrong - if someone can't take it if you say you find someone attractive, that is their problem not yours

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sunryze00 t1_iuat8g8 wrote

Been married for 7 years. I also have body issues and anxiety. My spouse and I call out hot people all the time together. Sounds like his issues run pretty deep.

As far as you feeling bad, you made an oops and you've apologized I assume. He should get over it and not hold it against you if he really likes you instead of using it as a crutch.

I hope things get better between you two. Don't beat yourself up over it.

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Nero3k t1_iuat8xa wrote

FYI…being autistic has nothing to do with your BF’s reaction. His lack of self esteem and maturity isn’t your fault. Making an observation that a celebrity is “hot” should not trigger an emotionally mature person. You did not FU today. I get the being autistic can make you miss emotional and social cues, but this isn’t one of them. My wife finds certain celebs hot. I find certain ones hot. We talk about it and laugh. Don’t get manipulated into feeling guilty.

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CoffeeOk5402 OP t1_iuatjwx wrote

Replying to Nero3k (#325,619)

What should I do? How should I go about this situation if I'm not in the wrong, i feel like I am, I don't know what to do and I dont want him to be sad. I don't want to fight.

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JustBeReasonable13 t1_iuatwmb wrote

You didn’t fuck up. He’s just an overly sensitive piece of work.

Human nature is to notice beautiful things, people included. You didn’t cheat on him, you didn’t do anything wrong.

Let him wallow in his own self pity for a while.

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nanny2359 t1_iuawlig wrote

I think you might be overthinking things. Hurt feelings aren't the end of the world.

You gave him all the information he needs to understand the situation & feel better, which is that you were just kidding and you are sorry.

It is now up to him to handle his emotions.

It's not your job to make him feel better - it's also not possible - that's something only he can do. It might take him a little time, and you should respect his need for time, but he'll be okay.

Let me know if there's anything you want me to explain more clearly, I'm glad to do it!

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Nero3k t1_iuaxb4t wrote

Replying to CoffeeOk5402 (#325,669)

From your post I can tell he’s important to you. I’m just a stranger on Reddit so take this as you should any advice on the internet. I would try to find out why this would trigger him so bad. It’s good to be sensitive to someone’s triggers, but he also has to try to work on his own. You had no malicious intent with your comment. He needs to recognize that. The problem is his to fix. You can help him. That is one of the things that help build a good relationship. Ultimately though, he has to be the one to get over it and try to work on himself. If he can’t, then you run the possibility of spending the rest of your time together walking on eggshells trying to not upset. That will have a negative impact on your self esteem. Don’t do that to yourself.

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Cute_Unit_3157 t1_iuay0cb wrote

It’s a process. Naturally there’s communication issues given the circumstances but it’s a step that may or may not have been taken too soon.

My advice, given the situation, stop with the shorthand and text everything out. You and him, so there’s no grey area.

You’ll both be fine, and tell him or remind him you’re not going anywhere unless he asks you to, and let time prove itself out.

Good luck.

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Kombacha t1_iub1q11 wrote

boyfriend sucks and you're beating yourself up over nothing

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weissmanhyperion t1_iub2no6 wrote

When you get into a relationship, it doesnt mean no one else is attractive anymore. It is just that you learn this attractive one is for you only. You can still fine others attractive, just that you are no longer available.

There is a huge difference, kind of like boy friend and boyfriend. That little bit of space makes all the difference in the world.

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2020popcicle t1_iub889i wrote

Replying to CoffeeOk5402 (#325,669)

Honey, if you didn't say it to hurt him, then this is NOT your fault whatsoever! How he responded initially was going to be a toss up, and you hadn't planned on what his reaction was. His continued anger is completely on him. My mother has ALWAYS had a celebrity crush or two, and my dad ENABLES it. Do NOT feel bad for who you are/ how you see the world around you. Do NOT feel bad for finding someone you will probably never meet attractive and trying to speak about it to an SO. This is NORMAL and if you mean no harm by it, they shouldn't take offense and gaslight you into thinking you do. You should be able to communicate almost anything to your partner. This situation is completely on him and I really hope you have this in a box of possibly leaving your partner unless he rectifies and apologizes for his behavior. I am so sorry you feel bad about this but I promise you, you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

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AmberNoir92 t1_iubenrn wrote

My parents have been married over 30 years, they call out people they find attractive all the time lol. If you don't mean it in a negative way it shouldn't be an issue. I think he just needs to grow as a person and be more comfortable with himself.

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tossthis210 t1_iubk1f9 wrote

What you said and your reasoning for saying it was NOT a social faux pas! What you said was totally normal and fine, and is something couples do all the time! My S/O and I (who is also autistic) love talking about hot people! We've made entire lists of movies to watch together just because they star our favorite celebrities! :P Sure it's led to us watching some crappy movies, but never to a fight because we trust each other, and know that there's not a chance in hell we'd leave one another for a celebrity (or someone who looks like one) <3 It sounds like your boyfriend was the one acting out of line here, although I understand that having low self-esteem can be rough to deal with. Jealousy is a natural reaction, but what isn't right is the way he's making you feel bad about it :( You did nothing wrong, and you sound like very sweet and loving partner <3

Has he looked into therapy, or anger management classes?

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Limp_Will16 t1_iubpcko wrote

What age are y’all? Cause autism or not, this sounds like jr high drama.

We had to take our daughter to the hospital and the X-ray tech was… fine. Like… FIIIIIINE. Holy cow. This was years ago, and I’m still fan-girling over him.

I told my husband me and the tech would make beautiful babies.

What did my husband do? Laugh and agree!

And my husband is autistic. So not sure that I see how that has anything to do with anything here.

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CoffeeOk5402 OP t1_iubrtx3 wrote

Replying to thrwaway9932 (#329,687)

I don't think I want to because I don't want him to feel like anything bad he does would be publicized like this, if I showed him all the criticism he got from all this then I think he'd feel like he cant tell me anything and thats not what i want at all

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AcrobaticSource3 t1_iubxe9q wrote

Try to make it up to him and explain that you mentioned the priest was hot because you want to get him in the threesome that your boyfriend had always asked about

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BigMikeSus t1_iubzavz wrote

Hi there! I usually don’t comment on things like this… or really anything ever. But I’m a person with Borderline personality, and both my partner and I are autistic.

This really is something your partner needs to take some of the accountability for. Like someone said above, it’s good to be gentle with triggers, but people do need to be aware of their own and work with the people they care about in order to prevent those triggers from causing unnecessary strife.

You said the important part, which is the “I still prefer you.” His discomfort is fair, but him getting upset with you is truly a Him problem. One of the issues with BPD (borderline) is that our brains tend to subconsciously make everything other people’s problem, even when we have a definite part in it. Without him doing the work this will become a pattern, where he gets upset when you didn’t do anything actually wrong, just something he didn’t like. And then you apologize but that’s not actually addressing the problem because the problem is internal.

I’ve also been working on my BPD for 5+ years and still find myself falling into these patterns with my partner of 6 years. AND we have fully developed frontal lobes (M26 & M27) and he has a lot of patience for my irrationality.

Your partner is entitled to his discomfort, but at some point he does have to own it as his.

I’m sorry you’re both dealing with this, but you didn’t fuck up. And honestly, neither did he. Brains are just tricky.

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pogiguy2020 t1_iuc4f9d wrote

Im not trying to be down on anyone, but you never mentioned your ages. To me yes you guys have issues you both are dealing with, but this seems like some kind of teenage relationship issue.

I mean there seems to be quite a bit of immaturity. Just say that you are sorry and that you will give him some time and dont talk over text about it. Something like this would be better to talk face to face. It is hard to FEEL someone thru a text message.

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Francis719 t1_iuc7whx wrote

IMO flirting over text is a bad idea, especially for people who are not already quite mutually confident in the relationship.

As a communication medium, SMS does not have the bandwidth necessary to carry the information required for successful flirting, nor for any truly meaningful communication. This structural limitation can only be made worse by any self-doubts the parties may harbor.

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redditfuckingbanned t1_iucnhzw wrote

He sounds like a bitch ngl. I wouldn’t care if a girl I was dating said a guy in a movie was hot. You could have been joking and anyway it’s a movie character it’s not real. Idk I guess it depends on the dynamic between you two.

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HammletHST t1_iud0o55 wrote

Despite your first sentence, this is absolutely not your fault. Your BF seems to have severe self esteem issues, which are not your fault

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LittleBigMidget t1_iueniab wrote

Replying to Nero3k (#325,619)

Your advice is hot garbage. If you offend your partner, the right thing to do is apologize.

What you should definitely not do is begin a holier-than-thou rant about how they shouldn’t be bothered by your words and how they are emotionally immature for being such.

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Newbootgoofin99 t1_iufk6jr wrote

First, you clearly care a lot about your boyfriend’s happiness and emotional security, and I think that’s awesome. I’m sure the hurt for him is real, regardless of whether it’s rational.

That said, this is a pretty common thing for couples to comment on. I don’t think you missed any social cues due to ASD in this instance, most people wouldn’t think this is a big transgression, if a transgression at all. It’s one thing to say you think someone you actually know is hot, that could justifiably lead to some insecurity. Talking about celebrity crushes just isn’t the same. My wife and I are totally monogamous, but it doesn’t bother me hearing her drool over Henry Cavill, and she doesn’t mind me drooling over Christina Ricci. It’s just silly crush stuff, not real.

I hope he can get some help with this and work through it.

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Newbootgoofin99 t1_iufl5jl wrote

Replying to CoffeeOk5402 (#332,383)

That’s pretty relevant to your situation here. I work in mental health, and I’m sure you’re likely already aware of this but- this sort of thing is very common with BPD, and is actually on the tamer end of what partners of pwBPD tend to go through.

It’s clear you really care about him so I won’t start with any “run for the hills” stuff, but I recommend seeking resources for people in your position. There’s a subbreddit for partners of pwBPD I’ve heard is helpful. Best of luck to you both.

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