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857477458 t1_ir68lxe wrote

You didn't fuck up, she's just being a hypocrite. If she's going to bring up your past then you have every right to bring up hers.

426

Grammar-Notsee_ t1_ir69oxf wrote

Naa, you've done nothing wrong. She keeps in touch with exes and doesn't want you to?

She's a complete hypocrite and it was a fair comment.

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SeldomSeenSober t1_ir6a4j5 wrote

So she's allowed to comment on one friendship but you can't comment on her multiple friendships? You need to think and be honest with yourself if her past will always bother you. Do you think you could hold your tongue during a heated argument and not bring the issue up? And if she goes to hang out with a friend she's slept with would that bother you?

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Spiersy_ t1_ir6a9tn wrote

I mean, you're not wrong, it's a bit hypocritical of her to call you out for being friends, when she's still friends with exes. Maybe you went a little overboard with the whole "inside you" thing, but it definitely isn't something you need to see a therapist over.

You're clearly young, so just understand that communication is key in any relationship. Just talk to her like she talked to you. Tell her how you're feeling. No one is perfect.

154

An8thOfFeanor t1_ir6alc1 wrote

She feels bad about her sexual history, yet she tries to make you feel bad about following a childhood friend of the opposite sex on Instagram. There is no fuckup here, you clapped her back properly and she couldn't handle it.

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No_Love_1353 t1_ir6atbj wrote

“I’ve had a sexual past but now you’re the love of my life and the rest of that doesn’t matter. But don’t you dare have Social Media with a childhood friend!!!” Boohoo.

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Ripmysanity95 t1_ir6bbmw wrote

Imo if you can’t trust your partner to be friends with their exes you should probably dip. That relationship ended for a reason, and they’re with you. If they’re going to cheat it’ll happen regardless of what you try to control.

Just control the things you can like how you treat each other.

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MajestaHazel t1_ir6br54 wrote

I’m glad you know you fucked up, but just the fact that that was your first reaction shows what an asshole you are. She phrased it perfectly reasonably and was vulnerable with you and you crushed her. I hope she dumps you.

−25

jjaedong t1_ir6c1ro wrote

This isn’t too crazy man. It’s normal to be a bit jealous and hypocritical even and it’s normal to say things we wish we could take back. What matters is how you both handle the situation moving forward and grow from it. As long as you both understand what you did wrong here and it sounds like you do then don’t trip. Unless it becomes a common occurrence or gets worse this is not a major red flag especially if y’all are young.

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Valuable-Island3015 t1_ir6c6ob wrote

You didn’t fuck up. You deserve someone better who hasn’t been used up.

−11

Blood-Lord t1_ir6clm1 wrote

I'd have to say both of you have to grow up. The past is the past. Neither of you were in each other's lives in those moments.

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munukutla t1_ir6coy4 wrote

Replying to Spiersy_ (#37,712)

Talking about other people having been inside of the person you currently are spending being inside with, is not overboard. That should be acceptable conversation for a couple.

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bingold49 t1_ir6cqki wrote

The sentiment of the statement was fine but the wording could be better.

3

Odd_Fellow_2112 t1_ir6cx1k wrote

I think your response was appropriate. You did not lie... and she has the nerve to tell you how weird it is when she is doing the same thing. That is a slippery slope and once you let her do it to you once, she will do it again. At least now you set the boundary... She should dump all those exes on IG if you wants you to do.the same.

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v-ince t1_ir6d50k wrote

Lmao mannn. You’re probably young because you don’t see those clear red flags. Caring about childhood crushes is very toxic teenager and so is responding the way you did (we’ve all been the toxic teenager just learn from it) But listen to this. you are beating yourself up way too much. coming from someone who used to do the same internally, please look at your own self esteem. It isn’t easy but train yourself to be nicer to you, even when you make mistakes. This kind of self view is only destructive to yourself and the other people that have love for you. You’re valuable

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pakratus t1_ir6d73f wrote

Haha he said sexual intercourse

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alchmst1259 t1_ir6dgr0 wrote

You're not wrong though. Spoiler alert: it's totally ok to be friends with your... friends. It's ok to be friends with your exes! Nobody here did anything wrong. You (maybe a bit bluntly) pointed out a double standard, which is a good thing! Way to maintain your (totally acceptable and healthy) boundaries, friend! It's dumb as shit to get jealous over exes - they're exes for a reason. It's even more dumb as shit to get jealous over people you kinda liked but never got with as a teenager, because for most people that's a lot of their friend group growing up and many of those friendships carry over to adulthood. I can think of a great many women off the top of my head that I had crushes on in high school and am still tight with in my mid 30s and I'm happy to see them married and having kids. That's just basic emotional maturity. Honestly the only TIFU I see here is "it bothers me to know she's been with others." Like bro, everyone has a history, sex is literally just sex, virginity has no physical metric and even less value, it's just some stupid concept from back when humans knew even less about themselves than we do now (the notion that someone is "tainted" because they have experience is dumb as fuck). Apologize for hurting her feelings but have a serious talk about jealousy and how toxic it is, because if she's afraid of your childhood friends she's not gonna be comfortable with you talking to women in general, and that is toxic as fuck.

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goodevilgoodevil t1_ir6dhai wrote

This is why instagram is for fucking morons. Who the fuck needs that shit normalized in your life, bro?

Just fuccking say you're insecure and jealous and that it's normal because you've got virgin brain and want to learn how to fuck and I dunno...ASK HER HOW THAT MADE HER FEEL and then really listen and let her talk it out. You two need to communicate more. Not via text. Next time youre laying there not looking at stupid instagram.

Whoever or whyever she feels bad about having had sex (which is INSANE, btw) is a real jerk. YOU didn't need to add more shame. Thats really really fucked and needs to be communicated.

And for god's sake man you need to give her a big hug.

0

melly_swelly t1_ir6dl28 wrote

Ok... but she shouldn't be friends with her exes or past lovers if she wants the same thing from you. That comeback was intense

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dcoopz010 t1_ir6doh1 wrote

Who cares who you both hooked up with before? You only owe fidelity to the relationship while you are in it. The problem here is that you both have unresolved issues with jealousy. Work on that individually before discussing as a couple.

This whole argument is kind of juvenile.

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Itirpon t1_ir6dqqf wrote

> I know I need help and need to go to therapy for this sort of thing.

IMHO

  1. She is jealous/defensive about you maintaining contact with someone you know. 2) She attacks you for maintaining contact with someone you know. 3) She didn't notice before speaking that the crusty pot was calling a clean kettle with a few fingerprints black. 4) She wasn't ready to take responsibility for what she said. 5) Somehow you think that you need to pay someone a pile of free money to play Sudoku while humming "uh-huh" between your sentences and to catch longer pauses with "And how does that make you feel?"

Nah. She's the one with insecurity issues to work out, and she should be appreciating you for your trust and your respect; and she should be showing that appreciation with a gratitude attitude. Your stated fact that you were not part of her social sphere till after the previous bodies were counted means that she's in a position to enjoy a clean break from that prior lifestyle, and that opportunity must be fairly shared with you in kind. Digging up old bones and trying to hit you with them is an argument that she's the one who needs a therapeutic talking-to about latent shame leading to self-sabotage behaviors.

And she will probably continue to attack her partners and self-sabotage her relationships till she learns to behave better.

That said, there was probably a more tactical way to reveal to her that she was implying that you still knowing someone you had a passing crush on was somehow a greater threat to your relationship than a half dozen bun-size frankfurters hanging in her digital meat locker than to fling them in her face, but it was at least direct and to the point leaving no room for her to twist your words. Take as the lesson learned that you should take a moment to figure out the motivations behind her attacks before returning fire, rather than coming back hard like it's a rap battle.

(And don't trade that V card anytime soon for a VD card or child support contract.)

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bbozzie t1_ir6dtr2 wrote

Bahahaa. That is a hilarious response. A little terse, but accurate plus you set a boundary. Overall, 7/10.

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KarasLegion t1_ir6e1gu wrote

I instantly didn't care about her reaction to this when she was getting bothered about that 1 chick you still had as a friend on Instagram while she has exes as friends anywhere.

You're a virgin for Christ's sake and she's not. If she wants to delete everyone and meet on the same level, sure, but the sheer hypocrisy. I don't think you did anything wrong, maybe the wording but that's it

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Empire2k5 t1_ir6e2a7 wrote

Therapy really? How old are you guys? Just sounds like a teenage standard relationship to me.

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alchmst1259 t1_ir6e3nu wrote

Replying to MajestaHazel (#37,794)

Hard disagree. Girl was trying to hold OP to a double standard, maintaining friendships with people she's dated while questioning a friendship with someone OP never dated. Good job OP for pointing out double standard. Maybe do it more delicately next time but don't get suckered into accepting double standards.

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odamado t1_ir6e5g4 wrote

You are both whiny and jealous about shit that happened before you met. You both should lighten up a bit, sex is not that big of a deal

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Trends_ t1_ir6en05 wrote

thats abusive tbh... if she can't handle the fact that you have someone from your childhood that never went anywhere around but shes friends with exes who she had relations with... thats hypocrisy at its finest. you did not FU

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Forcedlogicremoval t1_ir6esc8 wrote

Yeah but she was getting smashed day after day after day by these others dudes . Long term relationships. Sex smash on the daily like 2-3 times even . Like nothing . my man !! Especially at that age .

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Affectionate_Math_96 t1_ir6eu4q wrote

Dude, you didn't fuck up. This chick is crazy for being so controlling.

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Nytonial t1_ir6ew1u wrote

Just no, some might say a lil harsh, but she's chastising you for something she is doing worse to the nth degree, my advice, sounds manipulating and controlling at worse, at best she needs a therapist to get over her jealousy.

Don't let her hypocrisy change the way you live your life, king.

3

jm22854 t1_ir6f088 wrote

Hey bro just get out now. This is like literally the beginning of a long, terrible relationship i had.

She wants you to only talk to her, while she can basically do whatever she wants and will never stop trying to expand the boundaries the longer yall are together. Until one day she cheats, n then you put your foot down...but then you're gonna be "controlling"

Yeah, get out bro seriously. Take this as your future self trying to warn you man, because it's gonna be a long shit road of her doing this exact scenario, but pushing the limits each time

All it will take is for you to "be too nice" to a girl she thinks is attractive, n she'll use that as an excuse to full on cheat. Then make you feel like it's your fault

Yeah bro, get out

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scuba_GSO t1_ir6f4z6 wrote

If you’re truly the love of her life, she will understand where you’re coming from and figure it out. Was that brutal, meh….maybe a little. However, sometimes we have to face those things a little brutally to determine if they are really that big of a deal. Her past and your past are in the past. That’s all there is to it.

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_lord_nikon_ t1_ir6f849 wrote

Replying to RonamusMaximus (#37,809)

Incorrect. Insecurities or not SHE stated the conversation. SHE made hypocritical comments about his friendship and absolutely should have been called on it. Letting this kind of thing slide only sets you up for emotional manipulation.

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MelodysMama t1_ir6f8ax wrote

I have significantly more experience than my partner, and am friend with a couple of ex flings/ partners. But I’m not over here crying about when my partner talks about an ex or someone he used to have a crush on, because it’s hypocritical of me, do I get a little jealous? Yes, but I know he also does too. You didn’t fuck up, she’s being a child about it.

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josidhe t1_ir6fapq wrote

>She consistently feels bad/ashamed for her sexual past as she sees me asthe love of her life and wishes she hadn’t done anything with anybodyuntil she met me

What? What the heck is so shameful about having previous partners? That's incredibly unhealthy thinking. It's like she thinks she's used merchandise and regrets you couldn't have her while she was still new in box.

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seerslayer t1_ir6fffb wrote

Don't feel bad. You know what's actually insecure? To think you crossed a line. It would have been inappropriate if you said it out of the blue but if she got a problem with a genuine friendship while she is in touch with her past flings or exes, it's just hypocritical. Set the boundaries right. The wording was inappropriate probably but the sentiment was on point.

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Joursdesommeil t1_ir6fh2h wrote

Replying to weissmanhyperion (#37,739)

Yeah I feel that. My friends ride hard for me when any ex especially this last one did something just like this. I have friends coming from whole different area codes who are enfuriated with his behavior and how its taring my mom and I apart. Hospitals..cops. He’s horrendous

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NostradaMart t1_ir6fip6 wrote

you're not an idiot, you got gaslight like a champ.

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Beta_Decay_ t1_ir6fmue wrote

This seems like a bad case of the double standards. It was a little brutal but a good wake up call.

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kshwizzle t1_ir6fn18 wrote

Dude you’re not an idiot, you said/ responded how any normal guy would. It’s all about presentation and tone of voice with these women. You can’t win most of the time, but it’s important to never be spiteful and vindictive. It’s not as if your intention was to hurt her, but to try and get her to see it from your point of view and for her to realize you’re dedicated to her. If she has insecurities of her own, all you can do is support that. It’s not like your gaslighting her or being manipulative. You literally just brought up the fact that she’s being a little hypocritical. You can’t control her reaction, only your presentation.

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alchmst1259 t1_ir6fp1x wrote

Replying to Valuable-Island3015 (#38,022)

Yeah and any belief system that treats women as being worth less because they've had sex is a misogynistic one.

Edit to add: this should go without saying but a woman's value has ZERO percent to do with their vagina

1

WhereDaGold t1_ir6fpn0 wrote

Replying to 857477458 (#37,786)

I had pretty much the same conversation with an ex of mine, I used to say shit like op all the time cuz it pissed me off she still talked to and was fb friends with her ex’s. We broke up cuz of it and she ended up going to be with the one she still actually talked to

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arikscore t1_ir6g0jf wrote

Sounds like she’s a bit of a hypocrite.

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LikesBigGlasses430 t1_ir6g0p4 wrote

You didnt fuck up. She is friends with her exes and others who were just fuck buddies / ONS but it’s a Problem that you are Friends with one woman who you have zero history with?

Bro, this isn’t YOUR fuck up, it’s HERS

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Quad150db t1_ir6g2q0 wrote

Y'all must be young. Good luck homie.

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BassChanyon t1_ir6g327 wrote

I know she’s your first love man but you need to get out of their asap before things get actually ugly and you get your heartbroken

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ThatSavageGuy t1_ir6g415 wrote

I would have said the same thing bro bro

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AskMeAboutMyStalker t1_ir6g4rz wrote

it bothers you to know she's been with others.

she's jealous of a social media relations w/ a friend from the past.

she feels guilty for her past (see point #1 for possible cause)

it's like you 2 are in a competition to throw the most red flags.

neither of you sound remotely mature enough to be in a relationship.

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AftyOfTheUK t1_ir6g7m0 wrote

She's being hypocritical and hypersensitive. You could have phrased it better (and should have) but she overreacted.

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adrenochromandrian t1_ir6g9lw wrote

You didn't fuck up, her behaviour is toxic as fuck and your response was justified.

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Most_Goat t1_ir6gn3w wrote

You both suck. She's a hypocrite and you're shaming her for her sex life.

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kickasstimus t1_ir6gog0 wrote

Yeah … you fucked up.

She’s a little jealous, that’s normal. You’re both friends with exes. That’s also normal.

Apologize, profusely. Take her out to do something that neither of you have ever done before. A first for you both. Make that memory.

0

eggyguerrero t1_ir6gpa9 wrote

Yeah hypocritical behaviour is a red flag. I'm assuming you are like 17 or something get out

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ImTryingYourLuck t1_ir6gu09 wrote

I wouldn't have apologized. Having been in situations like this .. she brought it upon herself, trying to pin you against the wall about one friend you had feelings for a looooong time ago. But she's still friend with her exes? Nice.

No shame in having a big body count. No one's who they were in the past. But she shouldn't have tried to make you feel some kind of way for having someone as a friend still. It's stupid. Social media is stupid.

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bostongreens t1_ir6gv0s wrote

How did you fuck up? She fucked up by having rules for thee but not for me (her in this case)

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4_Legged_Duck t1_ir6gww6 wrote

Replying to AlleyCatStoner (#38,028)

It was hurtful and hits on an insecurity and no reason OP should have gotten that defensive. It would have been far calmer to stick with how she's friends with her exes and ask how it's different. Let people die on their hypocrisy or see the error of their ways. Getting nasty won't help a relationship.

I'm guessing she realized she was being petty pretty quick too.

Some of y'all are so quick with anger and revenge. o.O

−5

SYGNOSTiC t1_ir6gx7k wrote

Is this your “fiance” from your other post? Y’all ain’t ready to get married lmfao.

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Hobbit_Feet45 t1_ir6h2xj wrote

I don’t think you did anything wrong. Hopefully it’ll blow over. If not, she might be on another level dramatically than you.

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sc333sc t1_ir6hams wrote

Replying to Spiersy_ (#37,712)

Just adding to this^ well worded comment. It sounds like you guys are both trying to be “pure” in some way for each other. As long as there’s no std in play, or child somewhere, this shouldn’t even be a discussion but if it is, it should be to say, “whatever led you to me I’m thankful for.”

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Starky5 t1_ir6hgmj wrote

Bro you did nothing wrong… she will get over it. The fact she told you to unfollow your childhood friend who you did nothing with, but follows people she has fucked makes no sense why she would bring it up.

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maverickzero_ t1_ir6hgue wrote

Not a FU, your GF is learning the uncomfortable reality that you're on a 2-way street

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run_build t1_ir6hqds wrote

That’s a fu on her, not you.

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Smart-Pie-2473 t1_ir6hrgb wrote

Why did u even apologize though.You should have been like "yes i said it ,what u gonna do about it "

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NoSnoFlakes_- t1_ir6hrne wrote

I’m with everyone else here, My Guy. You’re fine. I thought your post was going in a completely different direction honestly. You did the right thing as far as I’m concerned. It’s okay if you’re still friends with someone who had your attention as a kid. I’m still friends with someone that had my attention as a kid, and the same thing happened to us. We grew older, dated other people and developed different values over time. It happens, but it doesn’t mean that you should just stop being friends with that friend because you’re in a relationship. Know what I mean? She can’t be telling you who you can have as friends and justify it by her being “jealous” especially if she’s still friends with people who have slept with her. That’s a very toxic mentality she’s got. In fact, I’d even ask her about why she thinks it’s okay to still be friends with them. Hell if I were you, I wouldn’t even worry about sugarcoating it. If she wants to dish it out, by all means give it to her.

0

StarktheGuat t1_ir6hun1 wrote

Dude, you didn't fuck up, that kind of jealousy is good to find out now before you become more invested.

From my very limited reddit knowledge she reminds of an ex of mine that looked for ways to cause strife to justify her later actions (read: cheating).

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Forcedlogicremoval t1_ir6i3qw wrote

And that ten minutes was all guilt for the guys she currently talks to .

2

Isibis t1_ir6i9f7 wrote

Hey, a sexual past is nothing to be ashamed of. She should not feel less of a woman or loyal to you for having had partners before. I hope she is able to understand that eventually.

That said, by insisting your partner doesn't have contacts of their previous partners/crushes, one implies a belief that they will be unable to control themselves if an opportunity to cheat arises. Trusting one's partner extends to believing they will make the right choice if someone offers them the opportunity to cheat. If your girlfriend has trouble doing that, talk with her about what could be causing these trust issues.

0

yohosse t1_ir6ib6f wrote

bruh you and your childhood friend dont even have "history" esp if you didnt fuck or seriously discuss going to a relationship.... feelings as kids dont matter. can't believe women that be doin this shit. your comeback was legit, OP.

2

CheapChallenge t1_ir6iu4m wrote

Yea it was a stupid way of saying it but the core message still makes sense. Why is she still friends with exes, and complaining about you being friends with someone you didn't even date but just had a crush on?

She sounds immature and looking for drama.

BTW, past sexual history is just a contribution to the kind of person she is now. If you love her now, then her past is what shaped her into the person she is now.

2

jared_d t1_ir6k9z3 wrote

One of these days you'll both realize that your sexual past is just part of your past, and isn't a big deal, regardless of how experienced or in-experienced you are.

She shouldn't be ashamed of her sexual past, and you shouldn't be threatened by her sexual past.

You also shouldn't be ashamed or insecure about your lack of a sexual past either.

I, for one, am glad that my wife had a sexual past before me. It allowed her to figure out what she liked and didn't like, and while we've learned a lot about what works for us over the past 15 years of marriage, it was great coming into it with a base level of experience and understanding both of our own bodies, desires and preferences.

Good luck to you both, I hope you can get past your insecurities so you can get back to enjoying each others company.

1

Dbjfdb t1_ir6kq1v wrote

Just some thoughts from a random internet person: Everyone's got a past, best to work on evaluating people for who and what they are today.

But sometimes people can't get past your past. That is 100% THEIR problem, and in this situation, her issue seems batty potatoes to me.

Based on the story you tell here, quite frankly I see this whole exchange as a warning to you about her. If you don't address this and you both work on getting ok with acknowledging/accepting your pasts, you are never going to be able to build a future. You will never have a new female friend again, either, and you'll miss out on a lot of joy in life.

Heck, I'm looking at a group photo of our friends from a few years ago at a party, and there are three women I've slept with in it, one woman and two men that my wife slept with. All in the past, before we got together, and we are happy and trusting.

2

jbobiccus t1_ir6lyw4 wrote

Sounds like growing pains. I hope you both learn from this and let it go. It's common for women to have a higher body count.

2

jaweebamonkey t1_ir6q4pt wrote

Replying to munukutla (#37,838)

I believe the commenter is trying to point out the misogynistic undertones of referring to a woman’s past partner in that way. It’s a vulgar and disrespectful way to refer to her sexual past.

5