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6ft9man t1_ir03kdk wrote

Reply to comment by Quinn_eth in TIFU By Calling My Friend's Mom A Hoe by Quinn_eth

Did you just vsay "I'm sorry"? Or did you write an actual apology that was genuine, showed true contrition, and that you realized what you said was completely off base?

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Quinn_eth OP t1_ir04gmw wrote

I did write a genuine apology. I said that I am someone who needs a filter on some days because I wouldnt be thinking straight, and apologized for causing her harm. I asked for forgiveness, and that is when she left me on read.

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6ft9man t1_ir07zuh wrote

You apologized for causing her harm instead of apologizing for being a complete ass? Saying you need a filter sounds like you're trying to give an excuse and push some of the blame by subcontext (i.e. "you know I have no filter some days. I didn't intend to hurt you with my words which were clearly said in poor taste, but you know I'm like that, so I don't know what you're expecting.")

A proper apology comes in several steps:

  • Acknowledge what you said was wrong.

  • Take full responsibility for your actions.

  • Explain that you understand that what you said was absolutely hurtful and was completely out of line.

So a proper apology would look like this: Hello (name). I wanted to sincerely apologize for calling your mother names like that the other day. It was completely out of line for me to make those comments and I understand now how hurtful my words were. I know sometimes I can be completely thoughtless when I talk and I am trying to be better about that. I can only hope that you can forgive my thoughtless actions and we can continue to be friends.

I get the feeling that this is part of a long pattern of behavior on your part, OP, and this is far from the first hurtful thing you've said to someone. If you ever intend on keeping friends long term, you need to figure out how to make some serious changes in the thoughtless and hurtful things you say to, and about, others.

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GrossOldNose t1_ir10cf6 wrote

I mean calling your friends mum a hoe is absolutely not "completely out of line" for most friendly relationships?

This is an accident not malicious, if there's a reasonable way you could have known better then sure but otherwise this is so extreme.

​

"Hiya Anna,

I'm really sorry about what happened the other day, I've obviously upset you and I feel terrible about that. I'll never joke like that about your Mum again,

Quinn"

​

Then bring a coke/cake/chocolate bar to English and I'm sure it'll be fine.

Every once in a while one of your jokes hits a nerve, it sucks, its unpredictable most of the time, and yeah it hurts people. But its not

- Completely out of line or Completely Thoughtless

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kingdaume t1_ir0u01s wrote

OP wasn’t a complete ass though. They made a normal, innocuous comment and apologized when it became clear they’d offended. Should have been the end of it.

What OP shouldn’t have to do is resort to groveling for their friendquaintance’s forgiveness when 1) it was such a tiny offense, and 2) the kid won’t even explain why they got so incredibly bent out of shape about it.

These comments are treating OP like they pissed on their mom’s grave — little over the top, no?

What’s truly crazy to me is how comfortable you felt slinging that final assumption about OP’s social life. Utterly baseless and, ironically, rude as fuck to say to somebody you don’t know!

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6ft9man t1_ir18lp6 wrote

They did something that caused injury to a friend. You own up to it and apologize. You have no idea why she's acting like that. For all we know, her mother may have been unfaithful to her partner. Or maybe mom is sick. Or there's abuse. None of which she's required to tell anybody. So, if you say something that causes pain, apologize for it.

Also, that's not groveling. That's simply giving a full and complete apology.

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kingdaume t1_ir18q9s wrote

They did apologize.

“I’m sorry for what I said; I didn’t realize it would be hurtful to you, but recognize and regret that it was and won’t do it again” is a full and complete apology. They don’t need to say they were “completely out of line” because they weren’t. At all. So why would there be any reason for OP to villainize themself?

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6ft9man t1_ir19sju wrote

They said roughly 'in sorry I hurt you". That's not an apology, that's an appeasement. They didn't take ownership of it, instead deflecting it to "i have no filter".

As stated in my previous post, there are steps to making an apology. You own up to your mistake, which op didn't. They shrugged their shoulders, said, 'that's how I am" and "I'm sorry your feelings got hurt".

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kingdaume t1_ir1cfr3 wrote

“I’m sorry I hurt you” is an apology, actually. It’s acknowledging you caused harm, taking responsibility, and expressing remorse.

“I’m sorry you got hurt” is a completely different statement, and not an apology.

You using them interchangeable here is deeply disingenuous and eyeroll-worthy.

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