Typical Reddit, first response is "lawyer up for a divorce"

It sounds like you and your wife have serious, long-standing communication issues. If you have not already, you owe it to each other and to your children to enter marriage counseling. It's beyond the point where you could reasonably expect to resolve these issues on your own, but I've seen marriages go through very rough times and ultimately recover.

It is possible that your wife may be past your relationship entirely; if she refuses counseling, that is probably the case. But if you want your relationship to work, you need to put in a lot of effort right now.