Im sorry you are having a bad time of it.

Some context needed to see this from your friend’s perspective. Are you male or female? How long have you been friends? Did you explain why you were there to your friend?

If I was working alone at night and someone arrived in an agitated state, then said and did very little for 45mins, it would make me feel more than a little uncomfortable.

If it was a male I had not know for long, even (and often especially) if we were ‘friends’ that could have the potential to make me feel extremely vulnerable.

If you have not explained why you were there, you really need to do so. You could also come up with a ‘code’ word or phrase you can use in the future to covey what is happening if talking becomes too much.

I also highly recommend you make a ‘lifeboat’ bag, like, right now. Grab a rucksack and put in:

a (longlife) drink and snack.

Some cash.

A short list of ‘safe’ people, and their contact info.

(You could also include any hotlines or support group info. On my ‘lifeboat list’ I had taxi numbers and info of a local hotel).

A list of ‘safe’ places, like your friend’s coffee shop. (Try to include places which are 24hour.) Libraries are good, fast-food places, a hotel lobby or even an airport, a supermarket… just somewhere nearish with lights and people.

Fling in a charged powerbank and cable for your phone.

A comfy sweater that smells good.

A notebook and some pens.

Something that will ground you or provide escape, depending on your needs. (For me, a favourite book, earphones and a photo of my kids.)

Now throw the bag in the top of your closet or under your bed and forget about it. Hopefully ‘future you’ won’t ever need it, BUT if they ever feel like they’re drowning again, they can grab their lifeboat, get to a ‘safe’ place and reach out to safe people.

Then future you can think about how much ‘past you’ cared. How much effort they put in to helping themselves after the last time. After they made it through the night and dawn broke.

About 6 months ago I came across my last ‘lifeboat bag’. I hadn’t thought about it in years, but damn, in that moment I had a ping of sympathy for the ‘past me’ that made that bag, and knew that she would have been real proud of me.

You didn’t fuck up today. Things were fucked up today. But you got this. Explain your past behaviour, plan for the future and give yourself a break. Being a person can be really hard sometimes. Be kind to yourself.