TIFU by eating too much Wagyu Meat

Submitted by StandAloneWolf t3_11gnmrv in tifu

So TIFU by eating too much meat

This actually happened a while ago while I was in C-School for the Navy, and I never thought to put this here till a few days ago.

I'll try to make this short...

(after finishing I realize this is not short, and I'm sorry)

So a bunch of friends I'd made during my three or so months at C-School were all hanging out for one of the friends Birthdays. We'd all put in a little over a hundred dollars on this site for meat so we could have this BBQ. B-day boy went to go pick it up, and B-day boy ended up cooking it because he was excited to finally have Japanese Wagyu steak again. We ended up also getting kobe burgers, and expensive hotdogs.

So he's preparing it, and I'm seeing these wonderful cuts for the first time, and we're drinking beers, and just chatting about random stuff.

Fast forward to my fat-ass having tasted some of the best meat I've ever had.

On my 3th or so steak, 2 hotdogs, and like 2 burgers, I was pretty stuffed.

Each day that went by, I never felt the urge to poop.

*I'm sure you know where this is going, but it's worse...*

on day 4, I decided to poop. Not because I felt like I needed to let one out, but because I knew he was up in there, hiding, and growing in size.

It was around 2330 (1130) when I made the decision.

I went into the head (bathroom) and prepared to struggle. My brain must've understood that I was trying to poo, because I immediately felt my body begin to send the "it's time to release the load" feeling to my lower region. nothing was happening. I struggled to produce even a single coco-puff-sized something, but literally nothing happened. Then I could feel something really large slowly making its way into existence. I started to realize I should've tried to remove this a lot sooner.

Three other days worth of filth had compacted into this birthday meat, and I realized I was about to give birth to a large child.

I started subtly worrying/panicking. I started thinking I was going to need my shit surgically removed. Think of the largest shit you could ever have being so large it not only hurts, but you start to realize there's no way that you'll be able to pass the log through that opening. I gripped the walls, and could feel my face going red as I struggled.

Then I could feel myself stretching.

I immediately stopped. I've never felt such pain. I've had a handful of sand thrown directly into my eyes, and that didn't compare. I pushed, and started breathing heavy. I started thinking I was literally about to die in a fucking bathroom like Elvis did because I ate too much meat. I pushed again, and used my sphincter to attempt to snip, but it was like a bowling ball. I tried compressing it from within, and that literally sent spikes of pain throughout my lower regions.

I began to cry. I pushed, squeezed, and tried to snip as much as I could. I was sweating profusely. my thighs went numb. I remembered that stupid fucking advertisement for the poop stool with the unicorn you elevate your legs on to help pass things easier, and took a break to go get something to prop my legs on. I wiped and noticed a lot of blood.

I returned, and upon elevating my legs, noticed the difference. The orb within me was more willing to leave, I just needed to accommodate its size. I kept struggling, and back to crying, regretting eating all that wonderful steak. I pushed past the pain, and could no longer snip. It began to crown. I pushed, and pushed, and eventually, the width of me matched the log. It did not slide out. There was so much resistance, but eventually, I painfully got it out.

It felt like I shat out my organs. I painfully wiped the blood and shit away as carefully as I could without agitating the already agitated exit. Then the toilet wouldn't flush. It was so massive it didn't even appear like the toilet did anything to it (All I'll say is I got rid of it). I left the bathroom to see my roommate knocked out. Three hours, and twenty or so minutes had passed. I climbed into bed, and curled up into fetal position. I know it's my fault, but I didn't know. I've had Fogo De Chau, and Texas De Brazil with no problems. I don't know what made that meat so different.

TL;DR: I ate a bunch of expensive meat

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Comments

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twohedwlf t1_japaehr wrote

Sounds like you needed a poop knife.

111

AcrobaticSource3 t1_japcu2s wrote

If I ever want to force a poop, no lie, I go to a fast food restaurant. Taco Bell is mentioned a lot here’s, but McDonalds Big Mac would do just fine. Point is, eating shitty greasy food makes your body want to get rid of it ASAP, so it evacuates everything else in the way in your tummy

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RudeSprinkles1240 t1_japd0k7 wrote

Should have used a fleet enema. That would have broken up the impaction. A glycerin suppository is another good option.

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Fluid_Marketing_2485 t1_jaqbbon wrote

Maybe make the tldr a little better. Wasn't even worth the scroll to the bottom of this.

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OkVolume1 t1_jaqph6y wrote

Sounds you were a glutton for punishment.

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SMG329 t1_jar5f6p wrote

Do people really go even a single day without pooping? Even if I may not "feel the need", I still poop every day, multiple times even. In fact, I'd be concerned if I went a single day without it...

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Amaiya16 t1_jar7yth wrote

Constipation is awful ive had it bad due to opiates after a surgery. Miralax is definitely youre friend. It draws more water into the blockage to soften it up a little. Definitely made the difference for me

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Figgy20000 t1_jash35d wrote

Replying to SMG329 (#2,151,117)

When I was on a pretty strict diet (lost 50 pounds in 6 months) I would only poop once every 3 days or so. It really depends on how much you eat (or don't eat).

After scarfing down so much food you can't eat anymore thought that should really have been suspicious a lot sooner.

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OE1FEU t1_jasr4n7 wrote

I miss alt.tasteless, really.

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docdooom1 t1_jatlhce wrote

Replying to StandAloneWolf (#2,154,178)

Great. Glad you enjoyed your food. I read a little defensiveness. Not needed. If you wanna put an open flame to a piece of expensive meat. Go for it. You wanna eat 3 lbs of meat. Do it. It didn’t seem like I jumped from food to drink. I did. You don’t have to be a connoisseur to know not to do certain things.. you’re the one who wrote a TIFU not me. Enjoy.

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StandAloneWolf OP t1_jav4mdd wrote

Replying to docdooom1 (#2,155,224)

This TIFU wasn't meant to invite those who get upset about how the meat was prepared (since that seems to be your focus).

In a way, you're staring at the birds at a fire-works show.

Your jump in question seems to go from how it was prepared to how military doesn't know what they are doing for some odd reason? What does that statement even have to do with anything? the military is made up of people who've come from all different walks of life to include college, McDonalds, or Highschool. We aren't just "created" with zero knowledge. It adds literally nothing, and you could've easily said:" Open flame. Probably washed it down with Johnny Walker blue mixed with some nice Sprite." and it would've made sense.

Edit:
I had to look Johnny Walker Blue up. No thanks.

This TIFU is not your enemy, so maybe just vibe like the rest of the comment section?

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