TIFU by "ghost dating" a classmate

Submitted by jp11e3 t3_11n2x5i in tifu

Obligatory this happened years ago back when I was in college. I (m, 20 at the time) planned to meet a classmate (19f who I will call Joan) at a coffee shop on campus to study. Well we ended up getting there at the same time and got in line to get coffee before studying. When we got to the front of the line I tried to do a nice thing and told the cashier I would pay for both coffees. Joan said thank you for the coffee, and we studied like we planned. At the time I didn't know anything was wrong, but that was also the last time Joan and I ever studied together. We weren't close or anything so I never thought anything of it.

Fast forward about two years. I was still in school (a senior at this point) and a friend of mine (21m who I will call Jett) had a class with the same girl. We found this out because the two of them were studying one afternoon, and somehow it came up that he and I were friends. Joan proceeded to tell Jett how weird and creepy I was for "ghost dating" her. Apparently because I forced her to let me buy her a coffee, I actually tricked her into going on a date, and she has been going around telling people for years. Suffice to say nothing really came of it other than Jett and I getting a good laugh out of it, but these days I always make sure to pointedly ask for peoples consent before trying to buy them things.

TL;DR: I bought someone coffee without their consent and they went around telling people I ghost dated them

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Due_Refrigerator_479 t1_jbl3wow wrote

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, sounds like she read into your kind gesture a little too much

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Shadow6754 t1_jbl5t0k wrote

I pay for anyone I do anything with if I can. Men, women, acquaintances, friends, romantic partners, anyone. I'm far from rich, but I'm also not very expensive, and I like to share what I do have with the people around me. No matter who they are, or how long I've known them. It just makes me feel good to do something small and kind for someone else.

If someone went around claiming I was trying to force them on dates because of that, I would be absolutely heartbroken. I feel for you.

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Edraitheru14 t1_jbnpwiz wrote

Yep. Same here. Makes me wonder if anyone ever thinks I tried to "ghost date" them. If I got money, I'm sharing it. Even if I ain't got much.

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Accomplished_Sky_857 t1_jblks9u wrote

What? Huh?

That's not you doing something wrong, that's - Joan's Got Issues.

Ghost date? Because you had coffee together and studied?

Normal people would realize you were being polite, say thank you, and not think twice about it.

Btw, thanks for being a decent human. 😁

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91901bbaa13d40128f7d t1_jbn9kvt wrote

Hopefully everyone who Joan told this story to asked for details and then after hearing them, walked away thinking she was a nutcase.

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Odd_Ad_2805 t1_jblkopy wrote

How the hell do you go from doing something nice to being the bad guy of the story. How did she get ghosted if she never reached out?

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axisrahl85 t1_jblzqeg wrote

That's not what he said.

Apparently a "Ghost Date" is when you invite someone out for a platonic reason, like studying, and then try to turn it into a date by paying for the drink/meal.

I've never heard the term, and she could have easily insisted on paying for her own coffee.

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Echo4117 t1_jbmb13v wrote

Wtf. I don't mind getting ghost dated myself

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hawaii_funk t1_jbmwl25 wrote

Lmfao I guess I ghost date all my friends who can't afford to eat/drink out.

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Odd_Ad_2805 t1_jbmri8f wrote

I get it now, but it's weird that's she's going around telling stories when all they did was literally study, which was the original plan.

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burnmenowz t1_jbls6uu wrote

Dang what does paying for someone's dinner mean? You ghost proposed?

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broserp t1_jbmbght wrote

This is a classic example of a kind gesture being viewed as something more than it is. Why can't we just be nice guys?

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saladrhythm t1_jbmu6pn wrote

Because women decided that nice guys and incels were the same thing.

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Ressikan t1_jbn9hlj wrote

Shit dude it's 2023! You can't just go around being nice to people! Don't you know how triggering that is?

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DarthBotto t1_jbmm0m6 wrote

She sounds like a flake. Even if she didn't like having someone else cover the bill, who holds tight to a story like that for literally years?

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TheLurkingMenace t1_jbmna65 wrote

You young people are weird. Buying someone coffee isn't a date. It's just a kind gesture.

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CuddleWings t1_jbmpu4n wrote

That’s not a young people thing. “Ghost dating” is a real thing and this is 1000% not it. It’s turning a platonic meeting into a date, much more than just paying for coffee or lunch of whatever. This is definitely a Joan thing, not young people.

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KindAccountant1386 t1_jbpsh13 wrote

>hat’s not a young people thing. “Ghost dating” is a real thing and this is 1000% not it. It’s turning a platonic meeting into a date, much more than just

What would be considered "Ghost dating"? This is the first time I've ever heard/read about it!

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CuddleWings t1_jbqom2z wrote

It’s like saying “Hey, wanna study together at that coffee shop?” Then using what should’ve been a harmless study session as a date. Typically during dates you’ll ask personal questions to get to know the person better and talk about yourself. All topics that rarely come up during study. Of course there’s more nuance to it, asking someone about their interests isn’t always ghost dating. Frankly OP could’ve been ghost dating this girl. We don’t know anything other than him paying for her drink. It’s one of those things that’s hard to define, but you know it when you see it. There’s tons of room for overlap between the events of a date and a study session.

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ajbluegrass3 t1_jbnagmv wrote

I get it. She overreacted, and definitely shouldn't have been still thinking about it, but I've had it happen several times where someone has insisted on buying me a drink, and then they feel like they have a right to kiss/grope/fuck me because they spent $5 on me. They try to tell me that I OWE them. This has happened often enough that I don't let anyone buy me anything (even dates/boyfriends) until I can trust that they're not trying to coerce me into something I don't want to do and that they won't react with rage or violence if I don't want to be physically intimate. Me refusing to let others buy me anything is a way that I can keep myself safe.

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jp11e3 OP t1_jbone3s wrote

I appreciate the perspective. I know a number of people here are saying I did nothing wrong, but even without ulterior motives I do think it would've been better if I asked her beforehand and let her have the space to decide without the added pressure of already being up at the cashier. You live and you learn

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Dakini99 t1_jbn9lme wrote

TIL - "ghost dating". Wtf is wrong with people

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TroublemakingB t1_jbmpjh7 wrote

It was probably the closest thing she'd ever had to a real date so I understand her bragging about it.

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glassholeshitfuck t1_jbnjy6l wrote

Not for not, I think the ghost dating thing is weird, however I also believe that doing something for somebody without them asking is just rude, especially if you get upset cause I don't do something for you in return. I didn't ask you to do shit, don't expect me to pay you back for being inconsiderate.

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