Sounds like you should do her a favor and break up with her. While she may need therapy, what she doesn't need a hypocritical and unempathetic boyfriend. Also, it seems like there is a lifetime of trauma she's trying to get over. You started dating her one year after she was kicked out, and presumably, you are the first person to be there for here since. She doesn't need any more "tough love".

Shouldn't this be on r/amitheasshole.

In all seriousness, she is 20 and by the sounds of it has gone through a lot of shit. Much more than you by the sounds of it.

Yes, negativity can drain people. But "stop whining" is less than ideal.

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At least you recognize your FU. Your best bet is apologizing and getting into therapy/counseling to help support her long term recovery if that’s what you want. My mom is crazy and I’m now no-contact with her. I’ve been with my wife for 10+ years and it took probably 6ish years for me to fully get over the trauma/problems from growing up in a home like mine.

Sounds like she could also use counseling/therapy but I’m not sure recommending that right now is the best bet.

I would also suggest you read Beene Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, and maybe watch her Netflix specials or listen to her podcast (basically whatever your preferred medium is). Don’t try to fix your girlfriend but Brene’s information can help you become more empathetic and understanding on this journey.

> But "stop whining" is less than ideal.

Maybe that's why they posted in TIFU?

So I meant my wife when I was 24 and she was 19 and she already had a kid, she was forced to move to another state by her in-laws, she wasn't with her baby daddy anymore but they still made her move so that they had access to the child. She was raised in a very very abusive and drug filled home. I'm talking about stepdad trying to kill the whole family on a few occasions, type of abuse, also physical, emotional and mental abuse from her mother, also a couple unsuccessful but attempted molestations. My mother who was in law enforcement when they met and she started my wife's story brought up the fact that most people who have been through what she's been through become simply statistics. Healing takes a long time. Just like the grief from the death of a parent or a child, time heals all wounds, by the same time the grief and the pain doesn't ever really go away. Time does it ever fully heal things. Does hearing the same stories and the stuff like that become tiresome sometimes? Of course. Just like I'm sure that you have stories or things that you do that annoy the f*** out of other people. The point is though, if her healing process is a burden to you, then you don't deserve the person she's going to be when she's done healing. I may understand your concern about her developing a drinking problem. It's easy for people who have been through that kind of trauma to self-medicate. But ultimatums, or just calling people out on it as a problem doesn't necessarily help them. Positive reinforcement is what she needs. Support and understanding is what she needs. Patience and love is what she needs. There's a difference between supporting somebody and enabling them. If you care about her then do some research on how to support people recovering from trauma. There are groups out there both online and in person that you can go to, to help you learn how to be a better partner to her as somebody recovering from trauma. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way claiming to have been perfect to my wife during her healing process. I made mistakes, we all do and I can tell the fact that you are saying in your post that it was a f****** that you probably care. To learn from your mistake, and do better. That's all you can do. Learn, and do better.

Agreed, he did indeed fuck up.

But maybe iamtheasshole would him understand exactly how.

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You are the asshole. “Dealing with a lot more than I bargained for” “stop whining” bruh you decided to date a 19y when you were 24. ALSO when you date someone seriously and you love them, there’s no “more than I bargained for” there’s just loving them and helping them through their stuff.

If she were actively being an ass about it then yea you don’t have to deal with it so her jealousy towards your family is not great, but other than that she has been through so many unspeakable things that you should be helping her through. If you don’t want to do that then leave, she deserves someone who won’t tell her to get over it. And if you don’t want to deal with it then leave rather than inflicting more trauma on her.

She is only 20 and from what you're saying she experienced throughout her life, she has so many more years to go until she could be fine. Her brain is still very young and there's many aspects she can't see yet that are gonna come out in the following years.

I definitely understand your frustrations with her reactions, she is definitely not at peace with so many things and my honest opinion is that you two are not good partners for each other because of big difference in life perception. Best wording I could do right now.

And the advice I'm giving is purely from personal experience. I'm 22 and have a ton of similar trauma behind me. I can say at 20 I wasn't aware of 90% that I'm aware of right now and I learned that the journey towards understanding and healing is way, way longer than it seemed. Having people who simply can't understand my situation would only make things worse, I suppose it's the same for everyone else.

As someone who had an abusive childhood, multiple SA and a truck load of other issues. I've been on a mental health journey for 10 years via meds and therapy. It is NOT your responsibility to be the one that is there for someone else when they are going through it. Yes, if you choose to fill that role, there are some techniques you can learn to be more supportive. But if you really feel like it's more than you bargained for, that's OK and it doesn't make you an asshole...it makes you honest with yourself about the situation you find yourself in. But be honest with her about what you are capable of, and if you can't do this with her, you would be wise to go ahead and excuse yourself from the relationship.

Before you come at me, I got way more than I bargained for when I married my husband because he masked the entire time we were dating. I chose to stay and help him work through it. Now that it's my turn to do the work, he's there for me. But if he couldn't, I would rather him leave than be there half assed.

Telling a person "you need to move on" when you've been dealt wayyy better cards in life and they're still deep in their shit could do so much long term harm I can't begin to explain properly in words. Just....no. Better say nothing than say that tbh.

You know you’re in bad shape when being around you causes others to need therapy too

I don't see why not enjoying being with someone who constantly is looking for depressing subjects and contantly crying and in need of emptional support is such a bad thing. OP should be there to help, but she should be aware that people do get afected by your mood and you should look to be a pleasant person arround the people you like. If she really does become jealous that OP asks his mom questions or his parents for help then yeah he kinda has the right to complain. You dont go into relationships looking for someone to listen to you whinning constantly. You should support your friends and love ones, but you are not an emotional dump.

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The person you are in a relationship with should be supportive, but they should not be your therapist. Yes, the guy lost his temper and lashed out and hurt her, but what she is doing is just going to kill their relationship regardless. It might be for the better that she sees a counselor and you two takes some time off.

A lot of these comments are vilifying you for being asshole, but u/dethsremorse is the one you should be listening to. You are not responsible for fixing your girlfriend, nor should you try. It is perfectly OK to think that she has more going on than you can or want to handle. It is absolutely natural to want to be with someone who is emotionally and mentally stable, and frankly, it sounds like your girlfriend isn’t, through no fault of her own. Even if you love her, if you don’t have the patience or desire to help her work through her problems, it’s OK to end the relationship. You might feel like an asshole, but you’re not doing your girlfriend any favors by sticking around and being unempathetic to her problems. There’s nothing wrong with moving on with your life and letting her move on with her life which ever way she can. You could gently recommend that she go to a therapist who can help her work out her trauma, but you aren’t that therapist and it is fair if you don’t want to take on someone else’s major issues.