If it's okay for aethiests to encourage you to abandon religion then it's okay for me to suggest this: I've been in a similar situation. I couldn't believe, not really until things got really bad. At that point I looked for god in the most earnest way possible and ended up finding him. Things that didn't make sense to me before started to be crystal clear over time. I am ready to be down voted to oblivion, but I had to say this.