I'm sorry, this must be such a painful situation. It is so difficult when you feel you've let your parents down in a way you didn't feel like you could avoid. It is a terrible feeling, bc you know they see it as a lack of gratitude and respect when it is neither. I think it might help if you sat her down and explained why you aren't following the rules of your religion despite them wishing you to. Explain to her why it doesn't make sense to you, but more importantly explain how sad you are to be doing something you know hurts them. You clearly care a lot about showing them love and respect, so I imagine you wouldn't have given up your religion if it weren't something you felt you had to do. Tell her that. Tell her that your decision had nothing to do with how much you love and respect your parents bc that will never change no matter what you believe about Allah. I think where you messed up was having alcohol in the house. Not being Muslim is one thing, but if your parents are like my parents, I bet she's terrified you have a drinking problem. I think you need to reassure her that you leaving your religion does not mean you're going to become a drunkard or a terrible person, that you are still going to be a good person but just one who doesn't follow the same path as her. Don't keep alcohol or anything else in the house which could make them worry about not being Muslim sending you down a bad path. They will see you haven't changed once the initial shock fades.