Ooooof. Open mouth, insert foot.

Bro fucked up. I wouldn't call it a deal breaker but it's definitely the sort of thing that will make it tense around each other for awhile.

That's how I feel, I love him a lot I just don't know how to get over it. Thank you!!

It's hurt you emotionally, because deep down, you know that, no matter what, people will always see the scars as something of a 'sight seeing' Whether it is to recognize your corpse or people judging you or inquiring, for having them.

However, you can get them tattoo'd over. It can be a skin colour tattoo, rather than some picture/image

I've thought about it fs, and yes! It sucks and it's usually all I see when I look in the mirror most times. Thank you!

Perspective.

He sees your scars as beautiful, you obviously don't. It'll take some time because you're hurt by it all and that's absolutely okay. He just wasn't very tactful in what he was saying.

That's exactly what I think. He's a wonderful person inside and out and I let myself overthink too much sometimes. Thank you!!!

It's okay. At the end of the day, it came from a place of love, but it was a place of vulnerability for you. I'm glad you see it for what it is, despite how it may have felt.

Thank you again <3

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Set up a go fund me page. Many may be willing to donate, especially friends and family, for you to have them covered.

Unrelated but TL;DR means "Too long, Didn't read" which is just a summary of what you wrote for lazy people who don't like to read.

Tattooing Over A Scar: Everything You Need To Know - Saved Tattoo

Probably not the right sub to post this in, but here are my thoughts.

You are both very young and lack life experience. I'm sure your boyfriend is trying his best to not hurt your feelings and support you when it comes to your past trauma, but as an 18 year old he doesn't nearly have enough experience to replace a professional therapist.

So here is the best tip I can give. Try to find a cognitive behavioral therapist to work on your trauma. It will make things so much easier for you!

Let your boyfriend be part of it and don't completely shut him out. Communication is key.

I'm sure with time you'll understand that those scars aren't reminders of your past trauma, but marks of honor that are proof of your strength and will of survival.

Your sensitivity ans pain are expected reactions to an awful period in your life. But it wasn't your fault and that period is past, and you deserve to be happy and carefree now. I'm fairly sure that counselling with a competent therapist would help you to get there. A GP could refer you, or you could google for names of psychologists in your region. For example the American Psychological Association if you live in the US.

Did the SA verbal physical mental lead to charges I.e. if you're 11 at the time 3 yrs making a max of 14 that there is at least stat rape depending on the offenders age. Regardless of that they need to be reprimanded

Also with your history you would be sensitive to comments. Explain that you understand where he's coming from and explain where you're coming from. Communication is key

Just because someone doesn't mean to be hurtful doesn't mean you have to ignore that it hurt.

Earlier today, my wife accidentally hit my face with her elbow when she reached for something. I didn't blame her and still think the world of her, but ya know, if my nose were bleeding, I'd go take care of it.

You're probably feeling very vulnerable and insecure right now. Be aware of that and do whatever you have to do to be comfortable. That doesn't mean you think your bf is a bad person. Recognizing that you're hurting is not the same as blaming the person or thing that hurt you.

The way I see this here, is you possibly joked about one of your scars, so he made a slight joke about your scars, to which you took offence? Or am I getting the wrong end of the stick?

>I'm sure with time you'll understand that those scars aren't reminders of your past trauma, but marks of honor that are proof of your strength and will of survival.

so this...worth repeating to yourself every day

Your scars are part of you. Your bf seems to love you and that means your scars too because they are a part of you. It seems to be normal for him.. not for you though.. i think maybe it would help you to try and see them more neutral.

She said she made a joke about a mark on her body, so maybe a mole or birthmark? Then he said the scars and she was caught off guard

Exactly. He sees them as a part of her that sets her apart from someone else. I understand that OP only sees the bad associated with the scarring, but that doesn’t make them invisible. The simple fact of the matter is that they exist and can be seen by others whether that’s ideal or not. But that doesn’t mean that anybody else means anything negative by seeing them, much like the boyfriend acknowledging their existence wasn’t meant to be negative

Your boyfriend is 100% correct that your scars are a possible means of verification. When asked by the doctors/police/coroner, if they are obvious, regardless of the cause, they are good identification marks. You should be glad that your boyfriend can think rationally about such a thing, this type of thinking makes one better at life.

You decided how you reacted, and you freely admit to KNOWING he meant no offense, and yet you still are punishing him. You have emotional scars, these scars are manifesting in you being emotionally abusive to your boyfriend by withholding affection.

https://themendproject.com/emotional-abuse-withholding/

You want to fix this? Then change how you are treating your boyfriend, then find a good therapist who can help you process your past trauma.

She said Mark, which could be a scar or mole or.birthmark, but I get where you're coming from

If I had to guess, I would say it bothered you that he could identify you by the thing that hurt you most and not by another feature that you feel is yourself. It really doesn't have much to do with the scars themselves, physically. You don't wanna be permanently marked or identified by this horrific thing that was done to you. Something that you feel isn't actually part of you. Something that isn't you and you don't want it to be.

If this is correct (or close) then you probably need some help dealing with the fallout of the traumatic experience. I'm not sure what kind of counciling you've had, but you might look into a Trauma Informed Therapist. There's many ways of dealing with trauma, and I have no experience with Trauma that left physical scars. All mine are emotional and not visible, physically. I had a hard time accepting that the hurt part of me is still me and deserves the same amount of love as the rest of me. I can't cut out the hurt parts of me or pretend they don't exist. I had to find a way to love and accept them, in the same way I had to learn to love and accept myself as a whole. Your best bet is to go to a professional to help you work through this and to NOT make your boyfriend your councilor. I'm sure he wants to love and support you, and clearly he had, but it's NOT his job. (This is a caution from personal experience)

If you'd like some reddit support I highly recommend r/CPTSD. A friendly community and there's books and stuff they recommend that you may find useful, especially if therapy isn't for you for whatever reason.

I don’t think reprimanded is the word you are looking for as normally this just means to be told off. The perpetrator (depending on the age) deserves legal consequence if at all possible. Given that the last of it happened 4 years ago it might not be possible. If the perpetrator was the same age they likely need/ needed extreme behavioral rehab.

Hey OP that is soooo much trauma to go through at a young age and I hope the person that did that to you faced real consequences. I would hope that you have sought/ are seeking therapy for that trauma. It may help you with the scars that cannot be seen and help how you feel about the ones that are visible. Sounds like boyfriend made a whoopsie and is sorry and won’t be making that mistake again.

Honestly you make dark and stupid jokes, you should get that kind of answers...

I’ve made really stupid jokes to people. This situation though It didn’t even sound like he was joking. The “faulted” part, is not really a “fault”, it’s literally a brain processing information. It takes time for brains to figure stuff out. You basically made a comment (perhaps out of left field?) and it took him a moment to think it through and respond. It was a rational response. Afterwords, he thought immediately about your emotions. Kinda difficult situation all around and it really does sound like he’s trying his best.

TL;DR TL;DR = Too Long, Didn't read

I had to learn this the hard way because at one point I was the one doing this to my own family. Your own trauma does not give you excuses to treat people in a certain way, just remember that. Please don't take it out on undeserving people, you will only push them away over time, when they really did love you.

Go to therapy

Some people think scars are beautiful because they make you who you are, and that’s the person he loves. Hopefully with time you will find your mojo and nerve to be open and free with him, but I completely understand why it might take a lot of love to make you feel safe.

Do your best to cut him some slack, and realize that he was trying(and failing) to meet your dark humor. Try not to withdraw from him, because that can damage your relationship. It sounds like he is a good guy.

He was trying and failing to meet your dark humor. Try to cut him some slack

this imo. to him, they make you uniquely you

TL:DR: "I took a shower with my partner and they pointed out scars that I am self-conscious about."

And busy people who will only read things if they sound worth reading. Believe it or not, your post qualifies as quite short. That is rarely the case.

lol! You forgot a passive-aggressive, snarky comment.

Sounds like insecurity getting the best of you.

Explain what you said to us to your boyfriend. He can't read your mind, but you can speak yours. You show him your perspective and that won't give him much room to doubt himself in this situation.

Assumptions really are the mother of all fuckups and you don't want him assuming shit because you're both 18 and your brains aren't fully developed yet, so you're both likely to fuck up at that point.

Dated a woman with scars long ago. She was self conscious of them from an abusive marriage. We were being intimate and she saw her reflection in the mirror on my closet door, stopped, and started crying. I just took her in my arms and asked what was wrong. She cried that she saw us in the mirror and saw her "ugly" scars. I just told her, "what scars? I see beauty marks of a strong survivor" and gently kissed one of her scars(her scars didn't hurt physically). She just smiled and after just holding her until she calmed down, she thanked me for loving her for everything she is...and we had one of the most intense lovemaking times we ever had together.

She still had trust issues and really wasn't ready for a long term relationship. She finally broke up with me when one of her sh*t tests to see if she could get me to be jealous finally pushed me too far. Basically she asked for us to go out dancing with a couple of her friends, so we went. She waited to mention her friend's dance buddy was one of her ex's she used to live with halfway to the guy's house to pick him up. After getting to the club she ignored me all night and danced with her ex. When I had enough of being ignored for 3 hours I confronted her about it and she said I was being jealous and broke up with me. Went no contact with her after that night. Six months later she contacted me apologizing for what she put me thru and said she finally got professional counseling that helped her. She wanted one more try, but I had just started seeing someone a month prior(who I now have been married to for 17 years). She thanked me for trying to be strong and patient with her and if things didn't work out that she would be willing to try again. She did move on, got remarried, and had a happy life. We didn't keep in touch but would be friendly when running into each other in public.

So sorry for being long winded here, but I would encourage you to see if you can get some continued counseling. See if you can get your therapist to recommend a book to encourage your boyfriend to read that could help him be a bit more proactive in not bumping into any of your triggers. He's young and still learning as you are. Emotions and relationship communication is an ever-growing thing. You'll be okay. You are one of the strong ones. :)

Thank you! I have already told him before that I'm looking into therapy and that if he wants to be apart of it he can be too because while working on my past I want to ensure a better future for us.

thank you!!!

well thank you!!

I can understand were that might be the case but he wasn't joking when he said that, it was more of a statement and not really one of his jokes.

thank you!!

He does! He is an amazing partner and has never been judgmental of me and overall is the sweetest person I have ever met (family and close friends included). Thank you!!

I agree. Thank you!!

So I have a birthmark on my back, it's not really a mole but it's slightly raised that I've always had. His response wasn't a joke but more of an honest statement about it. Thank you tho!!

Sorry it wasn't really clear, idk what it really is so that's just what I call it.

Just remember, we all have scars, some are visible, most are not. Your boyfriend seems genuine & supportive, from what you shared, he loves all of you, the visible & invisible scars, who knows, he may have some too. Professional therapy would be a good start for you and include him, let him be a part of your healing process. I hope the best for both of you!

I'm not treating him any differently aside from not showering with him. I'm not taking any emotions out on him it was moreso his words catching me off guard like I explained. I am not punishing him I'm just saying I didn't know how to get it to stop bothering me. Please read a little more before assuming I'm being emotionally abusive to my boyfriend. Thank you

So my ex was three years older than me at the time. I tried to take legal action but the authorities in my area (a small town) are family friends with the police and they refused to listen to me and outright ignored all my physical injuries and pictures and texts of proof. My family already didn't support me going to the police so after that attempt they said that I couldn't anymore. My ex later moved out of state so I'm not sure where he ended up. Thank you though!!

Thank you so much. That is the best way I've seen it put into words, I've tried to go to a couple therapists in the past but I haven't felt comfortable with them and my family said I was being too picky. I know I'm extremely lucky to have the option in the first place but I don't want to waste my family's money if it wasn't helping me. Thank you so much and I'm sorry for what you went through. <3

Faulted I suppose is a bad way to say it, it was just kinda how I wrote it. But yes! He is trying his best and I'm not mad at him at all. Things have been completely normal between us but I just keep thinking about it. I never want him to feel bad about telling me the truth so it's more of my internal thoughts just bugging me! Thank you!

Thank you I actually really needed to hear that <3

Also, I hope your nose is okay!!

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Thank you! <3

Thank you! I've looked at my options and if you read I response to someone's comment I just posted I think it'll better make sense! Thank you again so much!

Thank you! He is a wonderful guy and that's why I can say he never said it with any poor intent. We are completely fine aside from a shower or two less together lol <3

Thank you!! Sorry I'm new to using reddit and clueless

So I basically told him that I knew what he meant and that he wasn't being rude or snide with his comment, I said that I'm not mad or upset with him or anything but that information did catch me off guard and kinda hurt. I explained that it hurt because even after all this time I still can't get far enough away from what happened. He was completely understanding and apologetic. We have been fine since then but my brain is just annoying. I have not been treating him any different and unlike people on here who haven't faced true emotional abuse I've made it a point to have open communication and time together! Thank you!!

Haha thanks! My nose is fine :P

You're learning this about 10 years earlier in your life than I did, but - to paraphrase my therapist - you always have to validate your feelings.

Sometimes, what you think and what's logical is not the same as what you feel. You can change what you think of the situation, but it's not healthy to fight how you feel.

Fuck, I'm extremely sorry for the situation you were put into and I'm so glad you found a great person for you!! Thank you so much I really appreciate you and your kind words! <3

Thank you! I have been looking at my options, I responded to another's comment about it going into more detail, he definitely does and I love all of him and I'm so lucky to have such a thoughtful, amazing, and genuine person in my life. Thank you again!!

Well good! :)

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And thank you! TBH I'm probably going to ss that because I don't really consider that enough and forget I'm not a robot. I try to be logical more than understanding my emotions and sometimes it backfires on me lol

Co-sign on the above. I’ve got scars on the outside and inside and was very nervous before talking about them with the woman who is now my wife. But over time, she assured me that the scars were a part of me. My history. And they were signs that I survived and persevered. And eventually I started seeing them that way too.

Highly recommend therapy. It’s useful when you find the right person who can help you put your past in order and then in the past. But scars never define you negatively. They only ever mean that you survived something really, really tough. And that just makes you a badass.

Ah, I do apologise then! Sorry!

Maybe I’m wrong. But I sort of get what both of you feel.

I have scars of horrible events. But it’s something that I cannot change without surgery. And it would be purely cosmetic. I cannot imagine “normal” look where these scars are. It’s part of who I am. I feel guilty that someone I’m with would have to have this “defective” partner. And it will never be beautiful to me. But it’s part of who I am.

But when I have a partner who has scars, I realize that loving them for who they are is also loving those scars. Not the events that happened but loving the as a whole. Scars and all. Kinda hypocritical I suppose.

Not sure this helps anyone. But I hope you find clarity. If you have any specific questions I can maybe give my perspective on it from both sides I suppose. But not sure how much help I’d be. You should seek some professionals help.

I'll be honest. I'm not even sure I understand that anything even occurred.

This story went over my head. You were pointing them out and called them "marks" he then said "scars". Was that the issue? He used the word "scar"?

I don't get it. It doesn't sound like anything happened at all.

First I’m sorry for your past trauma. I second looking into not just regular therapy but something like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or one that a friend of mine with a lot of similar trauma as you has done called Accelerated Resolution Therapy. These teach you how to cope and move past trauma and how to deal with the triggers in your life. Secondly, I’m a older guy and the woman I love has scars, I don’t see the scars as ugly, they are just part of her and I find her beautiful as could be. The scars tell a story and that’s ok. She is still here and alive and those stories written in the scars show the resilience and beauty in overcoming. One day you won’t be ashamed of your scars, so hang in there.

I think that you open the door for his response because you said that he could identify your body from the mark. I fully would’ve done the same thing your boyfriend it, and then felt terrible for it after the fact.

Thanks. I do hope you are still getting counseling though. As far as what I went thru with the ex-girlfriend, it was a walk in the park compared to what I had an ex-fiance and an ex-wife do me.

A 14 year old “dating” an 11 year old makes my stomach turn a bit to think about and I’m sad that no one (parents, family, friends) called this out/intervened on your behalf even without knowing other details. For your sake, I’m glad that person is out of your life for good. For others’ sake, I hope he got psychological help. I’m glad you are considering the work of healing because you deserve that.

Then it seems like the type of situation that needs time to get better. You probably got it covered then.