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Azrai113 t1_j9yfiyi wrote

If I had to guess, I would say it bothered you that he could identify you by the thing that hurt you most and not by another feature that you feel is yourself. It really doesn't have much to do with the scars themselves, physically. You don't wanna be permanently marked or identified by this horrific thing that was done to you. Something that you feel isn't actually part of you. Something that isn't you and you don't want it to be.

If this is correct (or close) then you probably need some help dealing with the fallout of the traumatic experience. I'm not sure what kind of counciling you've had, but you might look into a Trauma Informed Therapist. There's many ways of dealing with trauma, and I have no experience with Trauma that left physical scars. All mine are emotional and not visible, physically. I had a hard time accepting that the hurt part of me is still me and deserves the same amount of love as the rest of me. I can't cut out the hurt parts of me or pretend they don't exist. I had to find a way to love and accept them, in the same way I had to learn to love and accept myself as a whole. Your best bet is to go to a professional to help you work through this and to NOT make your boyfriend your councilor. I'm sure he wants to love and support you, and clearly he had, but it's NOT his job. (This is a caution from personal experience)

If you'd like some reddit support I highly recommend r/CPTSD. A friendly community and there's books and stuff they recommend that you may find useful, especially if therapy isn't for you for whatever reason.

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Throwawaymybrain18 OP t1_j9z7r58 wrote

Thank you so much. That is the best way I've seen it put into words, I've tried to go to a couple therapists in the past but I haven't felt comfortable with them and my family said I was being too picky. I know I'm extremely lucky to have the option in the first place but I don't want to waste my family's money if it wasn't helping me. Thank you so much and I'm sorry for what you went through. <3

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saintsox t1_j9zdrub wrote

Co-sign on the above. I’ve got scars on the outside and inside and was very nervous before talking about them with the woman who is now my wife. But over time, she assured me that the scars were a part of me. My history. And they were signs that I survived and persevered. And eventually I started seeing them that way too.

Highly recommend therapy. It’s useful when you find the right person who can help you put your past in order and then in the past. But scars never define you negatively. They only ever mean that you survived something really, really tough. And that just makes you a badass.

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