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mbanson t1_j9hfi6k wrote

Reply to comment by tosser1579 in Tifu by deleting my boyfriends pokemon scarlet saves by Bee-Banana

Tbh this sounds kind of toxic, especially in the OPs case where it was an honest mistake, they felt incredibly bad about it, were honest and upfront about what happened, and are genuinely trying to fix things.

Maybe in your wife's case its a little harder to forgive right away seeing as its not exactly a spur of the moment action fueled by emotions. Its one thing to have the hurt/anger/frustration to last a while, but to not forgive them within like, 24 hours assuming you guys talked openly and dealt with the feelings involved? Seems messed up.

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tosser1579 t1_j9i0fy2 wrote

This is a very hopeful view of human interaction. My wife hasn't forgiven me for things I did while we were dating, they just don't come up anymore.

If you could forgive something like this in less than 24 hours, you wouldn't have that significant of a reaction to its loss. There are few things in my life that merit getting bent out of shape over, and none of them are currently possessions. 130 hours of life and memories are a lot to this guy, and I don't even have 100 hours on any game save I'm currently playing. I have a book I'm working on that I'd be upset if it got deleted, but I have that worked backed up in triplicate so if there is a problem it is mine.

You break something someone loves you gotta pay for it, one way or another. Frankly, you don't want a partner that lets you walk over them like this without any repercussions. That's unhealthy. Forgiveness is well and good, but you have to see that the other partner is genuine and their acts and behavior go a long way to demonstrating that. Actual forgiveness takes time. If you see genuine remorse, that time can be shorter, but to forgive another who's done nothing to change their behavior is foolish.

My wife sold my childhood and some rare games I was keeping in a locked box for that she had to find. I forgave her in a few weeks, 20+ years ago.

The trick is you want actual forgiveness, not claimed forgiveness. Saying I forgive you is easy to someone you don't interact with often. Its harder when it is someone who you interact with frequently. A bit of claimed forgiveness will fester, and make the relationship harder. You are seeking the words "I forgive you" but in my experience those will be thrown back in someone's face unless they actually mean it.

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mbanson t1_j9i1cwc wrote

>My wife hasn't forgiven me for things I did while we were dating

Yeah this doesn't sound great either man. There are certainly things that take longer to forgive someone for, but not sure if those are things that are compatible with a continuing relationship.

I think we just have different views maybe of what is considered "forgiving" someone and what is considered continuing feelings of... Whatever it is, anger/disappointment/betrayal.

I can forgive someone for something they have done, that doesn't mean I am over my feelings about it, it just means it's moved on to the next "phase" of forgiveness.

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tosser1579 t1_j9i2dvb wrote

I see. I'm using it in the psychological sense of actually forgiving someone, and you are just lying to make the other person happy. That's super unhealthy.

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mbanson t1_j9i3a1g wrote

That's not what I said at all. You can't begin to move on until you've forgiven the person. They are responsible for their actions, not your emotions or reaction. That's not lying to them, you can still be open about being upset still and any healthy relationship will work from that. But to hold out forgiveness until you feel like you are okay? That's a lot less healthy.

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tosser1579 t1_j9i9hed wrote

Your explanation is lying with extra steps so you can self rationalize.

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mbanson t1_j9i9l31 wrote

Lmao no it's not but I guess I shouldn't expect you to understand nuance and healthy relationships based on your previous comments. Have a nice life :)

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