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snash222 t1_j1eaqcq wrote

Isn’t generosity negatively correlated with narcissism? How did they find generous narcissists?

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n3w4cc01_1nt t1_j1el8b9 wrote

narcissistic generosity is viewed as an equation. they are always more concerned about what's the return rather than just doing the right thing because it's right.

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thebestoflimes t1_j1fneaf wrote

Big showy gift giving is a form of status.

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chevymonza t1_j1gkhtn wrote

The narcissist I used to have in my life was an aggressive gift-giver. I can look around this room and see a bunch of things they bought, but it was obnoxious- essentially taking over all the decor after a while bit by bit.

But of course you can't complain about "generous" gift-givers.

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SoFetchBetch t1_j1gmat3 wrote

Hmm… this is interesting to me. My mom is an aggressive gift giver but it’s because she’s a hoarder and when she goes hunting for new things at the thrift store or flea markets/yard sales she always finds stuff she wants to give me. It’s really frustrating tbh because I don’t want any more stuff but if I tell her that she gets sad. Difficult thing to manage.

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CyborgElephant t1_j1gsnpe wrote

Re-donate it, don’t feel obligated to keep things you have no need or want for.

From someone who’s parent is an extreme hoarder, it’s very easy to get roped into their madness. Learn to let go and don’t be afraid to offend, their pain is not your pain.

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AnneNonnyMouse t1_j1gtqhd wrote

Oof... this brought up a lot of memories about, my parents, my ex and his family. To this day I hate receiving gifts.

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chevymonza t1_j1kay05 wrote

Isn't it wacky?! I'm looking at a small pile of gifts from relatives in the corner, waiting for tomorrow. Sooo much STUFF in this house, I can't keep up- MIL is constantly offloading stuff she no longer wants on us, plus my mother's stuff after she went to a nursing home, cousins' stuff in the attic, it gets suffocating.

I go to thrift stores to drop stuff off at least every month, and we still have so much.

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funkygrrl t1_j1fvlbx wrote

I bet they invented "re-gifting".

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worldDev t1_j1gdomj wrote

People on a budget that get random thoughtless gifts on the holidays invented re-gifting. If something is not going to be used, I’m going to give it to someone that wants it so it doesn’t go to waste. I would hope if I miss the mark giving someone a gift they didn’t want that they can pass it on to someone. I would even go as far to say if you are offended when someone regifts your gift, you are narcissistically tying the gift to your own pride and ego.

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zapatocaviar t1_j1gg7h7 wrote

Yep. This. It’s the best form of recycling (reuse).

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KevinIsMyBFF t1_j1htgu7 wrote

>offended

Key word. Anyone can be hurt, no one wants to feel like they missed the mark with someone they are close to, but if you do it's ok, you can try again. No one said you can't gift to a loved one whenever :)

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funkygrrl t1_j1i5emx wrote

My wealthy grandfather's second wife was a notorious regifter. One Christmas she gave me a green camisole with a size C cup. I was 10 years old. That same Christmas, she gave my little brothers really thin beach towels and had forgotten to remove the $1 Kmart tags from them. So when I think regifter, I think of her...rich and selfish and cheap.

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Ragnarok314159 t1_j1f8b5d wrote

Narcissistic men are also very generous in order to try and get sex. Had several buddies like this before realizing how toxic of humans they are and parted ways.

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echk0w9 t1_j1j3ym0 wrote

The narc I know is generous in acts of service. Not because he cares about the people, because it yields him social currency. If he wants something from you, he’ll make an effort to look like he “has your back” and is “helpful” in whatever way suits him (not you.) this is all with the intention of some “return” and “how dare you not… bc I did … for you.” For ppl he “dates” it’s for sex. For his family it’s for money and an assumed inheritance. If you say “hey, you’re in town in two weeks, when you’re can you help me pick up a new tv? My car isn’t big enough.” You’ll get ghosted and gaslighted. However, if you mention you need to take your trash out, he’ll drive 90 min to “take your trash out and help you walk the dog” when you’re literally capable of doing both. And what does he expect? Absolute adoration and anything he suggests you should jump at and you should deny him nothing. If you do? How dare you! I drove 90 min to take out your trash and you can’t do xyz for me!”

In addition, he uses it to support his own belief that he is a “good person” and that it negates anything horrible he’s done in his life. If he’s done all of these things for others, he is clearly a good person despite also being a rapist and abuser.

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DopeDetective t1_j1elhmm wrote

a narcissist can be very kind & generous to the outside world. they can be the most helpful person in the room. they might even be deeply involved with volunteer work or the church.

it's all about building an image. but they're cruel to their own families behind doors. it also shields them if their victims ever come forward, no one really believes someone so nice could be so bad.

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drakens6 t1_j1et06i wrote

Not always, sometimes they keep it from even their families and reflect all of the cognitive dissonance inward, resulting in a "ticking time bomb" scenario

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tankyogremagi t1_j1f6zqi wrote

hey man, some of us reason ourselves through things and not become the unibomber. addressing oneselve's cognitive dissonance is almost required to learn how to change yourself. little by little.

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midri t1_j1glx9h wrote

It's so weird being a narcissist that believes deeply in the idea of socialism. The only people that really get the brunt (I'm neglectful to the point it's almost a defining trait...) of my narcism are my family members though, so sorta makes sense. So weird being narcissistic, but selfaware...

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danSTILLtheman t1_j1he4xv wrote

The only time a political view or ideology really makes someone seem like a generous person is if they’re comparing it to another less generous ideology. That’s usually in a conversation where a person can easily try to act like they’re taking the moral high ground. They could still be a huge asshole though

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Jackers83 t1_j1fm0r1 wrote

That’s an interesting way to put it. I would agree with you.

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Wingkirs t1_j1frijk wrote

Absolutely this. The love bombing before the rug gets pulled out from underneath you.

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mari815 t1_j1g9xgz wrote

A good indicator of a narcissist who is generous is if they don’t get the narcissistic supply they are being generous for…they will angrily demand the gift back.

A truly generous person gives and doesn’t want anything in return

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Moal t1_j1hamwe wrote

This rings very true for me. I grew up with a narcissist father who makes obnoxiously showy acts of generosity. But behind the scenes, he’s screaming, throwing tantrums, and calling me names for refusing to give him thousands of dollars for him to spend on others to show off his “generosity.”

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dr-freddy-112 t1_j1ey16u wrote

I can think of an example of a "generous narcissist".

I have a friend whose father was not only a pastor, but he was also a principal of a school. Outwardly, he seemed like a very honorable and kind person.

Meanwhile, he was abusing his family in heinous ways at home. That abuse extended to select children in the school and the church. But because of his reputation, nobody believes the victims.

It's about image. It's about creating a defense to protect them from accusations.

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backuppasta t1_j1fcs2q wrote

How was he a narcissist? Are you just assuming because he was abusive?

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dr-freddy-112 t1_j1fdn5q wrote

No, there were very obvious signs of narcissism, as well as sociopathic behavior.

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backuppasta t1_j1fe7ta wrote

Ah I only asked cause i was going to say that the behavior sounded more sociopathic to me but this makes sense.

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piper5177 t1_j1ebcxz wrote

I’m pretty sure narcissism is a variable trait. Everyone has some narcissism, some very little and some a lot.

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BlurryBigfoot74 t1_j1egz13 wrote

There's internal narcissism and external narcissism. Some traits of narcissism overlap with mentally healthy people like having a large circle of friends.

Quite often people are called narcissists when they're just highly confident people.

Narcissism gets thrown around a lot, quite often having nothing to do with what psychologists consider narcissm.

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bdubdub t1_j1eolus wrote

Same goes for misuse of the term “antisocial”

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LostMyKarmaElSegundo t1_j1g5522 wrote

Yes, most people use the term to mean "asocial", as in not wanting to be around people. Antisocial behavior is that which is at odds with society, not just wanting to avoid it.

The more you know...

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Kono_Gabby t1_j1ejhkw wrote

I'd describe my father as a narcissist but tbh he probably has anti social personality disorder (not a Dr, he just checks a concerning amount of boxes) but yeah ppl do fly fast and lose with the term narcissist now.

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PandaTheVenusProject t1_j1eqrnd wrote

I've been told that I stood like a narcissist by someone who never talked to me at a show.

It made me and my friend bust up.

I wish there was a popular movie that made fun of someone for misusing the word. If you are confident or just not self depreciating you are a narcissist in America.

It's dangerous to not know what a narcissist actually is.

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cheyenne_sky t1_j1gltzs wrote

There’s not really such a thing as internal vs external narcissism traits. Certain external behaviors may or may not be signs of narcissism, it depends on what’s going on internally to an extent.

For people who have narcissistic traits (and all of us have elements of some) some traits can be favorable for achieving popularity and success. There’s also traits that can be personally and socially detrimental.

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Smurfeggs42 t1_j1fbmr6 wrote

All the people who have to record themselves going to a homeless person and giving them something. Constantly looking at the camera and stuff. They would never do it without a camera it's all a facade

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Littlelisapizza83 t1_j1h6sjf wrote

Charity in general is very narcissistic. Look up the non profit industrial complex.

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Smurfeggs42 t1_j1htmh5 wrote

That's the larger part of it but if I see a dude struggling and I give him a buck that doesn't make me a narcissist. Now if I pull out my phone record myself asking him stupid ass questions while constantly looking at the camera like it's an episode of the office THEN give him the dollar then yes I'm a narcissist.

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sweetkitty7272 t1_j1g3r6m wrote

Dx npd person would make me breakfast in bed every week for 22 years. Was it for me? No. Was i supposed to bring it up in conversation every time I was around other couples/ friends? Yes. Did i get in trouble if I didn't? Yes. I don't even eat first thing in the morning. I would get eggs thrown on me a lot. Plus, 2 days later, I'd hear, "Weren't those pancakes good? I made good pancakes. They were, weren't they?". Generous? Ehh, only to those women who's husband's weren't making them breakfast in bed every weekend.

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CrisiwSandwich t1_j1f8ctj wrote

My aunt is a really generous narcissist. She's done really terrible things like lying about people, causing huge scenes, stealing, starts fights, abandoned her kid for days to get high. She has a habit of always wanting to monopolize everyone's time so she can cry or get rides. She's the kind of person that will show up at your house 5-6days a week uninvited sometimes multiple times a day for hours at at time. She'll say things like as a host you should entertain her her or bring her water. Often times she needs something big done for her at the end of it like a ride or pet sitting or some favor. If you try to limit how often she comes over or explain that you have a life too she will cry or call you selfish. She also feels entitled to full forgiveness basically as soon as she says sorry. Like she let her kid at a friends house with no explanation of where she went after for a week so she could do crack and after 2 weeks sober was enraged that people held her past behaviors against her since she had taken all the effort to change (court ordered).

On the flip side she will send unsolicited gifts that are over the top as a way to guilt you into feeling bad. She throws huge parties that cost too much and tends to incorporate giveaways into most things. She will gift people hundreds of dollars. She buys stuff constantly just to give to people even though she has too many credit cards and isn't anywhere near wealthy.

I have been trying to cut contact with her because of drama she created by taking control of all of my grandparents finances and power of attorney before they died. She basically blocked my mom out and then acted like everyone refused to help her to the distant relatives for extra sympathy and attention and accused me of trying to get power of attorney (this was while she was in the process of getting it herself) because I had the audacity to visit my grandmother in hospice. Tons of lies and just utter disregard for everyone including my grandparents. Prior to all of that I didn't want to deal with her because she is a fall-down-puking-drunk and hasn't had a license in probably 10 years. But it was just the final straw. She keeps sending texts about loving me and keeps giving my mom gifts for holidays and then tries to make me feel like I've wronged her by not coming around because she cares so much about me. I feel like she's just like the kind of person that is the creepy abusive ex that keeps sending flowers and wanting to get back together after months or years.

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Mikimao t1_j1eeqay wrote

Could be, but generosity could also be satisfying a need for the narcissist in question. For example if having more means to give more equals higher status, there are really good reasons to be generous.

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mgslee t1_j1fsa6n wrote

Generous in what way though. The article was a study, they didn't have to actually be generous, they just had to say they were going to be.

Narcissists know what the 'right' answer is and can tell you that but does not mean they will actually do that unless it serves them. Also there generosity can usually come with a catch (loyalty, expected paybacks) The generosity is more like an investment to them.

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TechNickL t1_j1gjrkn wrote

Narcissists give people things to reassure themselves and those people that they aren't narcissists, because "narcissists are bad and I'm not bad, I'm the greatest person who ever lived"

Rest assured they won't give away any more than they feel they have to.

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wlerin t1_j1gtpfp wrote

By finding manly ones. Ones who had enough confidence in themselves and their abilities (whether justified or not) that they could afford to spare some resources for others. Mercy is the privilege of the strong after all. I'm reminded of the king in Beowulf being called "Ring-giver" in praise for his generosity.

I feel the title is a bit confusing. "Moderates" here means that high testosterone reduces the impact of narcissism on generosity. High/low narcissism consistently predicted generosity for participants with low testosterone, but those with high testosterone were moderately generous regardless of narcissism levels (i.e. in between the two extremes).

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xXSpaceturdXx t1_j1fuw5i wrote

I was raised by a narcissist I can say With certainty generosity was not one of the attributes I would use to describe them

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Mattdonlan1 t1_j1fwg29 wrote

It said that high narcissism along with low testosterone lead to more generosity than high narc, high testosterone.

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Moal t1_j1ha9wn wrote

It’s all for show, with no genuine generosity behind the act.

My narcissistic father partakes in this behavior a lot. Often, it involves grifting someone else to get money/items from them, only to then gift to someone else and take credit for it. My father would often scream and yell at me for not giving him thousands of dollars to go spend on his buddies to show off his “generosity.” A narcissist isn’t above scamming others, only to then make a big show of spending it on people they want to impress.

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wanderingsouless t1_j1hu3wp wrote

My ex was an over the top gift giver. If we set a budget for holidays he would ignore it. If I asked for something he would find the most expensive version he could find to buy even if I asked him not too. He expected the same. He often threw fits or pouted if he didn’t get what he wanted for a holiday. He would spend money we didn’t have. He would also buy himself half of his list weeks before a holiday. It’s an interesting place to be in, he wanted to be seen as generous, he would ask who I told about my gifts. I was grateful but also I was expected to feed his image of himself as a great husband so I needed to make sure I was over the top grateful or it didn’t count.

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Asuka-m t1_j1ibr0a wrote

Narcissists can be very generous, but usually to display how kind and thoughtful they are, i.e. gain a good reputation which is a status seeking behavior. Example, if a narcisscist wants to leave someone an extra big tip, they'll make sure others will notice or draw attention to it "well, you have made my day, you earned this, go buy yourself something nice!!" Rather than just quietly handing it to them or stuffing it in the jar

Edit: another prime example is people recording themselves giving free stuff to homeless people, instead of, just giving it to them and not recording proof to plaster it all over the internet for asspats

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