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sex-fluids t1_iwxlc6g wrote

Reply to comment by [deleted] in Psychologists demonstrate why feeling appreciated is particularly important for avoidantly attached individuals by chrisdh79

I’m the same. For me it’s something to do with adhd. I’m constantly putting out fires and otherwise obsessed with some hobby that’s consuming my mental energy or work (which genuinely demands a lot of my energy and, unfortunately, I earn way too much to ever risk losing it or taking a break).

My wife hates it a lot. I’m a nice person but I’m a terrible partner. I’d love to be better. I try to be better. It’s incredibly hard and progress is too little to ever matter.

This resonated with me though. I can’t feel appreciated because my efforts mean nothing. That makes the relationship a slog. Like, there’s virtually nothing I can do to have my needs met so seemingly I need to sacrifice having needs in order to… Maybe satisfy a person who doesn’t care about my needs? It’s bad no matter how you slice it.

Especially after a life of saying yes to everyone and sacrificing way too much. It’s hard to keep being a door mat once someone shows you beyond a shadow of doubt that you’re less than appreciated, but a real problem for them, day in and day out.

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timeywimeytotoro t1_iwyayn5 wrote

I’m sorry that you experience this feeling in your relationship. This comment resonated with me because I feel as though my fiancé may feel similarly sometimes. I do think that I show him appreciation when he does things around the house, but I can also be highly critical and not as appreciative of his progress, and that must leave him feeling like his progress doesn’t count for anything. It does and this comment helped me realize that I need to show that in my actions. Have you told your wife this or do you feel like she would be receptive? Perhaps she may not realize the impact she is having on you.

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