Well this is reddits chance to turn this person's problems into the start of an elaborate Four Yorkshireman sketch!

Oooh luxury, when I eat, my stomach comes completely out of my backside and I have to use sharp implements to jab it back in again.

Sharp implements?! Oooh that'd be lovely, I have to have Charles Dance step on my fingers using boots covered in dog poo, then use my crippled pooey splintered fingers to rub gravel out of my eye balls.

Eye balls?! We DREAMED of having eye balls