Viewing a single comment thread. View all comments

Imaginary-Ad-9397 t1_j85klwe wrote

Reply to comment by niceoutside2022 in Large study provides evidence that goal incongruence can harm romantic relationship satisfaction by glum-platimium

I have seen this sentiment being echoed by lots of people here, and it genuinely sounds like solid advice.

My only question is : where do you draw the line and say you're incompatible ? Surely two people can't be expected to look eye to eye on every single matter. And if there are differences, how many should be allowed before the question of compatibility arises.

Maybe she wants to roam the world, but you wanna get settled, and you two agree on everything else. Is that a deal breaker ?

28

bandyplaysreallife t1_j866kca wrote

The only 100% deal breakers are if both parties aren't committed to the relationship. Anything else can be worked through in theory, although basically everyone will draw the line at giving up major life goals or compromising core values.

18

HelenAngel t1_j85nhnf wrote

Yes, ultimately it is a dealbreaker because there will come a time when they will want to explore & the other person won’t. One good way to discover this is to ask a potential partner what they hope their life will be like in 5 years. It’s the same with libido- ultimately the relationship won’t last without someone becoming resentful of the other partner that they feel is limiting them

17

maimou1 t1_j86z0ps wrote

idk, I've traveled a bit without husband but with his agreement, and we're still happy together (41 years in August).

11

slinkysuki t1_j87e242 wrote

Well yeah, the agreement is key. You don't have to value everything the same, but you do need to understand that someone else is allowed to have different priorities and you may have to accommodate them from time to time.

6

Cayslayy t1_j87gtas wrote

I wish I really understood this 10 years ago..

3

Alarmed-Wolf14 t1_j87gzsp wrote

I mean it’s not always a deal breaker. I’ve always wanted to travel but would give that up for the right person and did.

I think back on it sometimes but I don’t blame them. I made the decision and they aren’t adverse to taking vacations so that’s a good middle ground for me.

3

HelenAngel t1_j87i4x4 wrote

As long as it’s good for you, absolutely. But there are others who would become resentful that they are prevented from leading the life they want to live.

1

opiusmaximus2 t1_j87e7oy wrote

Marriage is a lot longer than 5 years. 5 year plans are irrelevant for marriages.

2

HelenAngel t1_j87gkg1 wrote

That’s a fair point. But it should hopefully give you a better idea if your goals are compatible. With that said, obviously people change & there are no guarantees- especially in marriage.

3

-GreyPaws t1_j85ni0g wrote

So long as both parties are committed to working on/toward the relationship, they should be successful.

17

Imaginary-Ad-9397 t1_j85nxrj wrote

You know what, i like this sentiment better. Ofc if there are too many things you disagree on, then it's best to move on. But communication, and actively working on problems is the way to go.

10

redditguy1974 t1_j8753gw wrote

>Maybe she wants to roam the world, but you wanna get settled, and you two agree on everything else. Is that a deal breaker ?

This was our exact situation. It should have been a deal breaker. We settled down. This was almost 19 years ago. I still don't think she's ever forgiven me for "ruining her plans to travel the world". It caused years and years of resentment, and left her in a major depression.

13

Vagabond_Girl t1_j8780v5 wrote

Oh boy…you make me wonder about my own relationship. We’ve only been together 3yrs, but I know she always wants to explore the world, and I don’t have the traveling bug as much as her.

5

redditguy1974 t1_j89c7gt wrote

I don't have any traveling bug any more. I spent over seven years of my career traveling. 60 international cities in 20 countries, and over 100 cities in the US, spending at least a week in each with plenty of time off. So I don't have any need to see any more. I am happy going, but I don't feel any need to. I'm much more of a home body and enjoy my time at home being productive.

I would tell anyone....if you are dating someone with true intent to travel the world, and you do not have that bug, you should break up. Because it will cause issues.

5

Odd-Independent6177 t1_j86u67l wrote

At a minimum, you need to agree around the things that one person in the partnership can’t have without the other person. For reasonably conventional marriages, kids are the key example. With home prices the way they are, home ownership may be another. Monogamy also seems like it fits the description.

Depending on your disposable income, it may be possible to have some dreams, like a sports car or a horse, that are personal treats that the partner doesn’t pay for or care about. With less disposable income, those things might crowd out essentials, though.

9