Richmond is terrible. The food is disgusting, everyone has STIs, the breweries serve literal cat piss, and rent is exorbitant. There are seven active serial killers who hunt both night and day but the police are paid off and simply let them kill. I was abducted three times last week and narrowly survived by, in one instance, killing my attacker with a possum carcasse and, in the other instance, by gnawing off my own left hand. (Which leaves me without either hand. Long story.)

The water tastes like bakers chocolate. The schools are mostly on fire. The Mayor is a cat that lives at Lowes and who keeps increasing property taxes, and 98 percent of the native population is named Percival Strahan Bonner, or something equally silly. You are taxed for not having tattoos and twice a year there is a parade through Carytown wherein the locals cavort abound demanding blood sacrifices. Also the city council has the right of PRIMA NOCTA.

But yea bud move right the fuck on in.