Submitted by Main-Elephant2985 t3_10q4qkw in relationship_advice
What can I say to my husband so he understands what a betrayal this is?
I (F44) am the daughter of a conservative pastor. My husband (m45) grew up in a non religious home. We met 10 years ago when I was out with friends at a bar. I gave him my number but regretted it the next day bc I didn’t want to go out with some guy I met at a bar. He kept texting me and finally after about a couple weeks, I answered his text. We both worked on a 2nd shift so we started texting at night after work. It was fun. We eventually met up in person again, Started dating, Got married.
But my gut was right. Don’t date someone I met at a bar. He’s quite controlling. Verbally and emotionally abusive. He gets livid if I stand too close to one of his male friends. He once berated me for days for being too close to his brother in an elevator. He’s crazy jealous of everything and everyone.
I will have a glass of wine ora cocktail on a Saturday night. Sometimes a drink at the pool. I found out while we were dating that he doesn’t really drink. So I don’t really drink much. The few times I have around him, he throws a fit and accuses me of being too friendly with all the men around, etc
I know this isn’t true because he’s accused me of these things even when I haven’t had a drink. Last weekend was our daughter’s birthday and we celebrated with friends after her party. Two days later, he started accusing me of being too friendly with my friend’s husbands. Of course I was not. When he starts in on this now, I ignore him. I know now he’s a cruel narcissist, and the best thing to do is try not to react, and eventually his fire will die out.
This tactic also makes him furious and for the third time in three years, he called my dad and told my parents I drink too much. He told them Whenever I’m with my friends, I always drink, and then I become too friendly and he can’t trust me.
It was a very dramatic, intense week, and after a few days, he is now no longer angry, and wants to be a big happy family again as if nothing happened.
To my parents, one drop of alcohol is too much. They believe anyone who drinks has a drinking problem. My husband feeds their worst fears with his insane accusations. I tell them that he is just trying to isolate me from them. He’s trying to make them mad at me. He’s trying to distract everyone from his awful behavior toward me.
Now he does not understand why I am so disgusted with him that he calls my parents and tattles on me. Does anyone else understand where I’m coming from? It’s such a betrayal at the very core, right?
Unfairly_Certain t1_j6nt991 wrote
Making a narcissist understand your side of of an issue is like talking to the kitchen table. It’s not going to happen. You might want to check out the narcissism communities here on Reddit and the “grey rock” method of communication.